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Wed Oct 21, 2015 11:56 am
Storygirl95 says...



Hi, guys!
I wrote a scene where the two main characters finally kiss, and I would like some feedback on it. I've never done romance before, so I don't know if it's okay. If you have time, I would love if you could tell me if it was acceptable. Or if it's not, tell me how I could improve. :)

Here it is: "He leans forward that last inch, and then our lips are pressed together. The kiss is unlike any I've ever experienced, warm and molten. It's as if it has become lava, causing a slow moving but passionate sensation to ooze through my body. One of his arms unwinds from my waist to caress my cheek. How can something feel so great?
My lips respond on their own, meshing against his to deepen the smoldering tenderness. My hands find their way to his hair and intertwine with it. The strands are wonderfully soft.
I'm lost in the warmth for what seems like an hour, but is probably only a minute more. When he has to pull away so we can both breathe, I'm almost disappointed. It's not like I can drag in air any more sufficiently now that he's not kissing me. It's all caught in my throat."
Johnny was a chemist's son but Johnny is no more, for what Johnny thought was H2O was H2SO4. :wink:
  





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Wed Oct 21, 2015 12:43 pm
Dreamy says...



Hello there~ Ah, romance. I don't know where I stand when it comes to writing romance, but let's see what I feel as a reader. so leggo :mrgreen:

"He leans forward that last inch,
Well, I've had my time staring at this sentence, something is not right with it. Why have you mentioned it as his last inch? Was he inching on the character for a while now? And if he did, wouldn't it be comical to watch someone inching next to you— these were my first thoughts when I read this, but of course you didn't mean that— he leans forward the last inch— it's cliche. What I would suggest you to do is, take out the "last inch" and make it-

Something like this:

He leans forward, and our lips are pressed together.
I like how you used "pressed" here. Usually, it's the "meet" and it's awfully boring.

It's as if it has become lava, causing a slow moving but passionate sensation to ooze through my body.

What is? What has become the "passionate sensation"? The saliva? His tongue? I'm sorry, I'm lost.

The other feelings are pretty good and I think you have done a decent job.
If any person raises his hand to strike down another on the ground of religion, I shall fight him till the last breath of my life, both as the head of the Government and from outside- Jawaharlal Nehru.
  





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Wed Oct 21, 2015 12:50 pm
Storygirl95 says...



Thanks, @Dreamy!
They were very close together, so he really is like an inch away. However, I can see what you're saying. I'll change it.

The other sentence really plagued me haha. Because originally I had it as like the main character's body became lava, but that sounded awkward so I changed and I don't even know anymore haha.

How about: "It's as if the sensation becomes lava, a slow moving passion that oozes through my body." Any better? I should keep working? Stop writing the book? :P

Thanks for the feedback! :D

I'm glad the rest worked out. Thank you for your kind words.
Johnny was a chemist's son but Johnny is no more, for what Johnny thought was H2O was H2SO4. :wink:
  





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382 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Reviews: 382
Wed Oct 21, 2015 1:26 pm
Dreamy says...



"Sensation" and "passion" are two overly used words when it comes to describing a kiss or a touch, not that one shouldn't use those words ever again, but one sure can try to move away from them and make use of a dictionary. Why I'm saying this is, I really like your reference to lavas and mountains, though it feels like it has been used many a times as well, and I think you should keep it, nonetheless.

I don't usually ask people to stop writing, it's the choice the author comes to acknowledge, eventually. Until, you reach that phase, keep writing! :smt003

I'm glad you find me useful! 8)
If any person raises his hand to strike down another on the ground of religion, I shall fight him till the last breath of my life, both as the head of the Government and from outside- Jawaharlal Nehru.
  





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42 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 244
Reviews: 42
Wed Oct 21, 2015 1:43 pm
Storygirl95 says...



Haha. I'm about to go to sleep, but I'll think up some words in my brain. I have a lot of words I've never even used in my life in there.

It's so hard to write romance without running into cliches. Much harder than any other genre I've ever written in. That's okay though. It's a learning experience.

I'm not sure I'll ever come to that conclusion about writing. I just might devolve into a creature that spends all day writing but never shares it or leaves the room. :P
Johnny was a chemist's son but Johnny is no more, for what Johnny thought was H2O was H2SO4. :wink:
  








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