Young Writers Society

I tend to write verbosely or overly-wordily. I'm having a hard time understanding how writing is percieved by the reader as either: verbose or descriptive (and well written). Any tips on this?

My Professor said this is still excessively wordy:

Jayden sat at his desk, a rustic and mahogany painted block. Peering outside of the window, he breathed with the pitter-patter of heavy rains. He sighed a deep sigh, leaning back in the swivel chair, as he discouraged fatigue from his eyes with the heels of his hands. He couldn’t sleep, for if he dared he’d subject himself to the nightmares of times past.

To me that is descriptive, yet not too flowery. Or is it? Clearly my prof knows better than I do, but I'm having trouble keeping the descriptiveness/imagery in, while cutting out the fat, during my revision stages.



Cheers!

Jayden sat at his desk, a rustic and mahogany painted block. Peering outside of the window, he breathed with the pitter-patter of heavy rains. He sighed a deep sigh, leaning back in the swivel chair, as he discouraged fatigue from his eyes with the heels of his hands. He couldn’t sleep, for if he dared he’d subject himself to the nightmares of times past.

hello! Maybe I can help!

okay, what 'fat' is is the unnecessary stuff. It might taste 'good' to you, but it overall weakens the flavor of what you're writing. The 'fat' is the stuff that you could cut out of your paragraph, and nothing about the story would change (except quality. That would change dramatically.)
For example, We don't need to know that David's desk is rustic mahogany. Furthermore, Jaden probably doesn't know what kind of wood his desk is, or that it's 'rustic', or whatever. And since he doesn't know what his desk is, we shouldn't. It's his story.

another example is when you compare Jaden's breathing to the 'pitter-patter of heavy rains'. It doesn't matter what his breath sounds like. It really doesn't. Unless he has, like, lung cancer or something and THAT'S the story. But I doubt it, since you said he 'sighed deeply', and people with lung cancer don't generally do that.
I like the whole thing you're getting out about the 'nightmares of times past', but that should really be expanded, instead of just saying that.
Sometimes, more is better, but more often than not, less is more.
Just let the story play itself through, and don't get hung up on details that don't have to do with the story.
Remember not to mention anything Jaden wouldn't notice! That is a big rule of thumb. We're trying to see through HIS eyes here.

Hope I made some things clear that weren't before!
~Satira

Detail should contribute something to the whole. Earn its keep. Pull its own weight. If it doesn't give more than it takes--at the minimum, it takes the reader's time--then it ought to go. In general, in today's day and age, all description should be considered excessive until proven otherwise by the court of law.

Jayden sat at his desk, a rustic and mahogany painted block. Peering outside of the window, he breathed with the pitter-patter of heavy rains. He sighed a deep sigh, leaning back in the swivel chair, as he discouraged fatigue from his eyes with the heels of his hands. He couldn’t sleep, for if he dared he’d subject himself to the nightmares of times past.

Now, the fact Jayden has a rustic mahogany desk could potentially tell us something about Jayden. As it is, it seems like pointless detail. But rustic, mahogany desks can be expensive, which could tell us that Jayden is rich. Or that he has expensive tastes. Or that he's powerful. Or that he's traditional in that he has such an antique-ish desk rather than a modern one out of Ikea.

If it is an important detail in some way, don't make it so obvious. Just sneak it in there so the reader registers it subliminally.

Here's the thing: Every writer has a different style. Some writers are incredibly sparse; some writers will go into soliloquies about the delicate bend of an elbow. Most people fall in the middle, somewhere that they're comfortable and their readers are comfortable, but it generally takes some work to figure out your style—and how to make sure that you're comfortable, but your readers don't have to slog through ten blocks of text with way too many adjectives.

Your prof may be right; you may be right; you both may be wrong. It depends on what you're trying to go for. I'm not super-educated in the ways of the stylistic choices, but I know that I tend towards a more verbose style of description, while some of my friends tend towards a sparser style.

Now, let me take a look at this text you've given us.

Jayden sat at his desk, a rustic and mahogany painted block. Peering outside of the window, he breathed with the pitter-patter of heavy rains. He sighed a deep sigh, leaning back in the swivel chair, as he discouraged fatigue from his eyes with the heels of his hands. He couldn’t sleep, for if he dared he’d subject himself to the nightmares of times past.

You have a lot of adjectives and descriptive phrases that don't necessarily lend themselves to easy reading here. I'm going to assume that you're in a third-person limited viewpoint behind Jayden's eyes; if I'm incorrect, please correct me.

In this case, I would honestly suggest sacrificing some of the description and additional information—especially the last phrase, "for if he ... of times past"—for the sake of readability. If you need to include it, you can include it in a different paragraph or sentence.

As it is, this almost feels like the reader is being tossed everything about the setting and character at once, and we're expected to sort it out. You give us the "rustic and mahogany painted block", the "pitter-patter of heavy rains", "for if he ... of times past", all of this stuff. I'm going to tell you: It's okay to have short sentences. It's okay to have simple sentences. The readers aren't going to get bored unless you have five subject-verb-object sentences all the same length in a row.

Honestly, get more reader opinions. Some people can read this kind of thing all day long, but I'm pretty sure the majority can't. I know I can barely focus my eyes on that block of text, which is why I personally am all "no" towards it.

Also—a smaller nitpick—watch out for redundancy. "He sighed a deep sigh" will just get the reader asking, "no, really?"

First thought: Leaning back on a swivel chair is a recipe for disaster.

Second thought: I'm not a professor, either, but I can understand the conflict between "this is too wordy" and "but OMG I love these words". I also realize I'm judging a paragraph out of context.

That said, I think these details may be important, but they could also be expressed more seamlessly. For example, the furniture can say something about his character, but the tacked-on description at the end of the first sentence feels detached to me. It takes me out of the story and gets me thinking about the desk instead of Jayden. A better way might be to drop one adjective about the desk, like "Jayden sat at his antique desk...". That way I know he's the kind of person who owns an antique desk without it feeling too obtrusive.

The second sentence--Honestly, I think you could combine this with the first with a simple "watching the downpour". I agree with the previous commenter that the breathing description is just weird and unnecessary. However, you could instead work in something that tells us more about the setting. For example: Is the rain pounding on the pavement or soaking a lawn?

He sighed a deep sigh, leaning back in the swivel chair, as he discouraged fatigue from his eyes with the heels of his hands.

I like the idea here of showing his tiredness, but this seems like a bit much. You lose nothing by simply saying "as he rubbed his eyes". Eye rubbing is a simple image that, paired with the image of sighing and leaning back, clearly show an upset and tired man. The current description loses me because I take a while to figure out what he's even doing.

The fourth sentence is absolutely beautiful and intriguing.

In general, think about what's important for the readers to know. What does a certain detail say about the character or the setting? What is important to show? Does a description add to the main idea or distract from it?

Hopes this helps!

Ooo! Analyzing paragraphs? This looks really fun.

*

Jayden sat at his desk, a rustic and mahogany painted block.

I actually like that first sentence, because it seems like kind of a grunge piece, almost. Who would paint mahogany wood? It's such an expensive wood. But, he would. And it's a block. So, he likes a kind of grungy place.

Peering outside of the window, he breathed with the pitter-patter of heavy rains.

This sentence seems a bit silly. As someone who lives in the rainy northwest, it's hard to breathe with the rain. In fact, it's pretty much impossible. Unless he's hyperventilating...

He sighed a deep sigh, leaning back in the swivel chair, as he discouraged fatigue from his eyes with the heels of his hands.

Oh, where to begin with this sentence...

Sighing a deep sigh is just repeating yourself. If you want to emphasize the sigh. Swivel chairs seem to be rather dangerous things to lean back on... I've fallen off several this way. Discouraging fatigue is just an odd thing to say. Heels of the hands is odd because fingers are more dexterous in clearing out the sleepies.

He couldn’t sleep, for if he dared he’d subject himself to the nightmares of times past.

If this were more pithy, it would stand out more.

ANYWAY... let's go more in depth, shall we?

*

So... uh... if I were to write it with my super moody character that I had in my old novel, who would totally go for mahogany desks and is also perpetually exhausted, I might change it from this:

Jayden sat at his desk, a rustic and mahogany painted block. Peering outside of the window, he breathed with the pitter-patter of heavy rains. He sighed a deep sigh, leaning back in the swivel chair, as he discouraged fatigue from his eyes with the heels of his hands. He couldn’t sleep, for if he dared he’d subject himself to the nightmares of times past.

...to this:

He sat at his desk. It was an old desk, a mahogany desk that had been painted white in a vain attempt to pretend that the nicks and deep scars that the desk bore had somehow disappeared. Now, the paint was peeling. He had bought it with the hopes of refinishing it, but now it wouldn't be refinished, he was sure. He was too old and too tired. Much too tired.

He leaned back on his chair, rubbing his eyes with his hands. When was the last time he had slept? He tried to think, but he couldn't remember. Instead, he was distracted by the new wrinkles he found on his drooping face. When had he turned old? When he was young, he was always hopeful, always dreaming for the future. And now that he was old, all he could dream about was--

Stop, he commanded himself. But the thought left him cold and he couldn't stop shivering.

I might describe the nightmare at this point... or I might not and let the reader wonder what's going on. If I did the latter, I would describe the character more and what he is doing.

So... um... I'll describe my thought process of what I did here and why I wrote what I did.

First of all, I wanted to show off my character's character through the details around him and metaphorically describe him by describing the objects around him. So, I took your brief description of the desk and made it even more verbose and detailed and let you in on the story behind the desk.

But, in my description of the desk, I was also trying to describe the character through the desk. I wanted the reader to get a feeling that this character was old and tired and was trying to be someone, or to assume a role, that he just couldn't do. So, he was like this desk that was painted white. I also wanted readers to get a feeling that this facade that he was trying to pull off was just not working, and thus the role he was trying to play, like the desk, was peeling off.

I also wanted to hint through the desk what the story might be about. The man buys the desk in hopes of refinishing it, but he realizes that he can't do it because he is too worn out to refinish a desk that is too worn out. But, he keeps the desk anyway -- he doesn't throw it out. So, it shows a passion that is lost, but he still holds on to it, even though it will never go into fruition. Which says a lot about his character.

I tied in the dream part (since I think that was the spring board of which you wanted to propel your story into) with the desk as well. By thinking of the desk, this causes him to think about himself and why he is too old and tired, which causes him to think about the dreams that he has of late. So, the nightmare bit doesn't come out of the blue. There is a reason why I started off with the desk. The dream is not what propels the reader forward into the narrative... it is the desk and the strangeness of the desk that propels the reader forward.

I nixed the weather part completely because I liked using the detail of the desk much more and I didn't want to distract the reader with something else. Instead, I wanted to use my words wisely and build a metaphor that would help my reader understand something more about my character.

*

Of course... if I were to use another character, who is younger and less moody and put him in this situation, I would change this:

Jayden sat at his desk, a rustic and mahogany painted block. Peering outside of the window, he breathed with the pitter-patter of heavy rains. He sighed a deep sigh, leaning back in the swivel chair, as he discouraged fatigue from his eyes with the heels of his hands. He couldn’t sleep, for if he dared he’d subject himself to the nightmares of times past.

to this...

It was raining again. He felt a surge of despair as he watched the rain tear into the dirt and turn it into a great big mud pit. And then a pond. When would it stop? He leaned over the desk for a better look outside, but it was just rain. His heart seemed to pitter-patter with every raindrop that rang on the tin roof.

I should sleep, he thought, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. Perhaps he could go to sleep with the sound of raindrops. It was a musical sound, after all. A constant sound. A beautiful sound. He could probably go asleep very easily, considering how tired he was. After all, when was the last time he had slept? He couldn't even remember. Sleep would be quick. His head would hit the desk and then he would fall asleep.

Until that damn dream comes up and I fall out of this damned chair and break my nose. He laughed in spite of himself, and then he started crying.

Oh, when would that nightmare end?

Then I would describe the nightmare.

So, with this one, I clearly have a completely different character with a completely different voice. The other guy is older, more perceptive, more self-controlled, more experienced with suffering, and knows himself more. This guy? He's younger, impulsive, hopeful, more self-absorbed, less experienced to suffering, and more imaginative. Having an introspective beginning and feel to it would be silly because he's not introspective at all. Instead, he thinks the world is going to end because of the nightmare and he can't sleep.

I focused on the rain because I wanted to give the reader a feeling that he is, in a way, drowning. All around him, the water is rising. Outside, there is flooding going on and he can only look from the inside out. His heart is fluttering with the raindrops, indicating that he is anxious. Towards the end of this scene, he starts crying, which only seems to add to the water. (Plus, the juxtaposition with tear/crying makes my heart happy... yay for subtlety!)

I also want to show his hope by making him think, however briefly, that the raindrops can help him fall asleep and that it's not all bad. This shows off how idealistic he is and how he still has hope of exiting this stage. Yes, he is cynical, but he still has an expectation that the nightmare will end someday... unlike the first character, who is trying to use brute force to suppress that nightmare, come what may.

The passage I wrote, there is a lot more of what he is feeling. Unlike the first passage I wrote, in which I wanted to make it more metaphorical since that character is supposed to be more of a mystery, I wanted this guy to wear his heart on his sleeve. When he is in agony, he lets it be known. So, he's constantly thinking of himself and how exhausted he is and wondering when it's going to end. It's all about him, him, him.

You'll notice that I only mentioned the desk briefly and didn't go into too much detail with that at all. The character wouldn't have noticed it. The desk is just there to serve him. He wouldn't notice it, nor has the kind of connection with it that the first character would have had. Instead, I played on the weather part almost exclusively. He would notice that, at least.

*

So... depending on who Jayden is would depend on how you would probably phrase your description. You'll notice that I love well-drawn characters, and I do everything to draw out a character, including using the descriptions of the physical world that they exist in to describe the character more fully. So, when I write descriptions, I think to myself about what I want to say.

Let's look at what you wrote again...

Jayden sat at his desk, a rustic and mahogany painted block. Peering outside of the window, he breathed with the pitter-patter of heavy rains. He sighed a deep sigh, leaning back in the swivel chair, as he discouraged fatigue from his eyes with the heels of his hands. He couldn’t sleep, for if he dared he’d subject himself to the nightmares of times past.

This might sound a bit odd, but you really aren't very verbose at all in your description. You are trying to set the scene by putting random things in the scene and having your character react to them. The desk is there mostly so Jayden can lean back on his chair and wipe his eyes. The rain is there to set a mood and so Jayden can breathe with the rain. The discouraging of fatigue is to lead to the nightmares bit.

To me, this whole paragraph is fluff to lead up to the nightmare. None of the description seems to matter... it's just there so you can transition to the nightmare scene without it seeming awkward. I haven't read the nightmare scene, but it seems like it's there that things really begin. Here? Not so much. It's the obligatory awkward transition scene.

So... if you want your description to matter, make it matter, basically. I am not going to tell you how you should write your scene, mind you... I have no idea who Jayden is. You saw that I wrote two different descriptions that were completely dependent on the character, and if I used another character, I would write it completely different from that too so I could highlight my character more.

Anyway... uh... I am, like your characters, exhausted. Time for me to get some sleep.

If you need me to explain anything in a more coherent fashion after I get some sleep, feel free to bug me.

This entire thread is an example of too much description. Now you know, R2.