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Chapter 5 Opening Proving Difficult...



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Sun Sep 10, 2006 11:38 pm
Dream Deep says...



Argh. I hate this opening for Chapter 5. It feels cumbersome, heavy, doesn't flow. I'm open to all and any suggestions at this point. ^_~


Shan watched her wash the bloody rag out over the sink, crimson turning a watery pink before splashing down the drain. “All this from a maritime lecture, huh?” Off went the tap and Kyra squeezed the excess water out of the rag. “Here," she said, coming back to where he was sitting on the edge of the bed and balling it up in his fist. "You're still bleeding."

Nice of you to notice. His "thanks" came out hoarse as he put his head down in his hands and pressed the rag to the gash above his eyebrow. He felt the mattress next to him sink down a bit as Kyra sat back next to him; a moment later he felt a light touch on his back. It didn’t convey love or concern or anything of the sort, just the merest memory of it - which sufficed for the moment.

"Are you going to be okay?" she asked him. His response was a sigh and she broke in again, saying: “And don’give me that whole arrogant Kasimov bit, Shan, the little I-feel-no-pain facade."

"Actually Kyra..." He wiped away some of the dried blood that was caked just over his eye and through his hair, feeling the sting of contact with the rough cloth. "Actually, my face feels like it’s in about a million pieces right now."

Kyra pushed herself up and snagged his jacket from where it was thrown carelessly across the table, a black mess of blood and filth. As she turned with it in her arms he glanced up and caught her eye, smiling briefly - pain shot through his jaw. "But of course I feel none of it."

He recieved a terrible look from Kyra but she ignored him. “Do you want me to wash this for you?" she asked, her voice betraying a bit of her impatient pique.

"Oh that would be grand," he muttered into his hands. "But you need to take the medals off first..." He glanced up. "No, no... not like that, from the side. Yeah. And there's a um... the Nival's in the pocket."

She flung his coat back down and set about stripping it of its ornamentation.

"I like you better before you went off to Peremid."

"Of course you did. I was prettier then."

"That too." Fingers pulled his hands down and took the rag out of his hands. "Wait, it needs to be rinsed out again."


HELP! :?
Last edited by Dream Deep on Mon Sep 11, 2006 1:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Sep 11, 2006 12:02 am
David Guinness says...



I'll be back with a few more suggestions shortly, hopefully... but for now:

I would reformat most of your dialogue in the first couple of chapters, into individual indented paragraphs. Perhaps not all of it, but most of it. This was the first issue I noticed, and reformatting it I think would improve the fluidity.
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Mon Sep 11, 2006 12:05 am
Roaming Shadow says...



Uh, well, from reading through it nothing jumped out at me. The only thing I really noticed was that the dialogue seemed a bit off at times, but I'm not sure if it's dialect or not. Maybe the scene goes too quickly and needs to be slowed down a bit? One thing that did stick out at me was the "nice of you to notice" bit. Was that spoken or thought? I'm assuming thought, so you may want to indicate that with italics.

The only thing I can think of for this piece is that it seems to move too quickly, one thing to another in almost rapid succession. Seeing how it's a piece about recovery, maybe try to make the pacing a bit slower. That's all I can say. Hope it helps.
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Mon Sep 11, 2006 12:59 am
Poor Imp says...



You've got an uncommon distance hovering around this bit, DD - as if you're holding it at arm's length, perhaps? A strength in your writing (and in the Chair) is how easily you show Shan - from inside and out. The readers don't know who Kyra is...other than the brief allusion to her made by Livny, at least at this point.

Is this the very opening? It comes up abruptly from the final sentence in the last. A brief beginning of his arrival, or memory of it...or Kyra's first reaction might set the rest of the scene more firmly on its feet.

(And note on Kyra: Don't worry about how you see her, think of her...being a woman, harder to write. Let Shan see her -- ought to get a lot more out of that, one way or another.)

...Oy, now I've got no more time. 'Hope that can help a little until I can come back. ^_^
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Mon Sep 11, 2006 1:29 am
Caligula's Launderette says...



Here is my crack at it, DD. :D

Shan watched her wash the bloody rag out over the sink; the crimson water turning to a watery pink before disappearing down the drain.

“All this from a maritime lecture, huh?” Off went the tap and Kyra squeezed the excess water out of the rag. “Here," she said, returning to him at the edge of the bed, "You're still bleeding."

Nice of you to notice. His thanks came out hoarse as he put his head down in his hands, and pressed the rag to the gash above his eyebrow. He felt the mattress next to him sink as Kyra sat next to him; a moment later he felt a light touch on his back. It didn’t convey love or concern or anything of the art, just the merest memory of it.

"Are you going to be okay?" she asked. He sighed and she broke in again, “And don’give me that whole arrogant Kasimov bit, Shan, the I-feel-no-pain facade."

"Actually Kyra..." He wiped away some of the dried blood that had caked just over his eye, feeling the sting of contact with the rough cloth. "Actually, my face feels like it’s in about a million pieces right now."

Kyra pushed herself up and snagged his jacket from where it was carelessly thrown across the table, a black mess of blood and filth. As she turned with it in her arms he glanced up and caught her eye, smiling briefly - pain shot through his jaw. "But of course I feel none of it."

He received a terrible look from Kyra but she ignored him. “Do you want me to wash this for you?" she asked, her voice betraying a bit of her impatient pique.

"Oh that would be grand," he muttered into his hands. "But you need to take the medals off first..." He glanced up. "No, no... not like that, from the side. Yeah. And there's a um... the Nival's in the pocket."

She flung his coat back down and set about stripping it of its ornamentation.

"I like you better before you went off to Peremid."

"Of course you did. I was prettier then."

"That too." Fingers pulled his hands down and took the rag out of his hands.

"Wait, it needs to be rinsed out again."
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
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Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

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Mon Sep 11, 2006 1:49 am
Dream Deep says...



Wow, thanks guys. ^_^ Very helpful, all... I shall be looking at it again. Thanks. :wink:
  





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Tue Sep 12, 2006 11:26 pm
Snoink says...



She's too passionate, as she's introduced now. She would never do what you want her to do eventually. So you have to change her character. Think Norman Bates. You want a slightly sociopathic character who is quiet, withdrawn, and rather innocent. Since you haven't really developed her character, you can easily do this. I think.

Yeah, but she has to be meek and stuff.

...or does this make sense?

I'll explain later, if you want.
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Sun Sep 24, 2006 10:27 pm
Cassandra says...



Well, it looks okay to me, and I actually like the dialouge, but I haven't read The Chair, so what do I know?

But yeah. My chapter five is killing me too. Perhaps fifth chapters are bad luck? They should just be cut out all together; we'll go from the fourth to the sixth chapter in one leap...:D
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Sun Sep 24, 2006 10:34 pm
Snoink says...



Haha... FREAK's chapter 5 was relatively easy to write! Chapter 55 was much harder though... hmmm....
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Mon Sep 25, 2006 9:41 am
Myth says...



Sorry it took so long for me to look this over, Dreamy.

I like the scene. You introduced Kyra as being care but she doesn't feel sympathetic towards Shan. I can't add much more.

I'm having trouble with my chapter five but I'll stab it real hard to get it working. :wink:
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  








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