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Gender: Female
Points: 15446
Reviews: 136
Sun Jan 22, 2012 4:08 am
fiction903 says...



Spoiler! :
Hello, I have not been on YWS for about two years and I wanted to come back. I will soon start reviewing. I know that I need help with punctuation, so feel free to rip it apart.


Oh, hello
Can you see me?
I am here
I can understand you perfectly
A sparkle danced across her eyes
I am here

Spastic muscles tighten in anticipation
Lips try to form words that slither slowly off the tongue
Stuck in her throat
Making a muffled screeching sound when they finally permeate the air

I am here
You retreat to a safer distance
That was not what I had intended.
I have so much to say
But I am locked inside

Can you see me?
I am here
Her eyes are fixed on yours
Commanding your attention,
Pleading with you
The sparkle becomes a flame
Piercing your eyes
The hair stands up on the back of your neck

In that moment you feel her thoughts
The fog is lifted
This cannot be you say
And quickly dismiss it
As you walk away, the flame is extinguished

There she sits
Motionless in her chair
Frustrated and depressed
Because you refuse to see her for who she has always been
Inside
  





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456 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 368
Reviews: 456
Tue Jan 24, 2012 1:29 am
Rascalover says...



Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review! I really don't understand the gist of this poem. Is it about a boy who likes a girl who likes a different boy? I just... I don't feel anything when I read this. Also, you go from having very short lines to very long lines; try to even that out. I am sorry this is so short. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.
Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  





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14 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 1406
Reviews: 14
Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:04 pm
figureofspeech says...



This poem has great potential, but the story is a little hard to discern. If the story is about a girl and a boy (which I'm pretty sure it is from reading it), describe the girl as less of a sparkle and more of a person. That should clarify things.

As for punctuation (maybe I'm not the best person to ask), but I see that you put punctuation at the end of some of your lines,but not others. It's an artistic choice, but maybe pick one or the other.

Speaking of artistic choices, I'm not sure I like the word "spastic" as it relates to the mood of the poem, but feel free to ignore that if you feel differently.
We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. 'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of mine.
  








I have writer's block. I can't write. It is the will of the gods. Now, I must alphabetize my spice rack.
— Neil Gaiman