Young Writers Society

Speak only in tongues.
Don't cross my mind.
Nor cross any of my paths.
Just continue walking,
please be silent and walk.

Look at the trees now.
Look at the sky.
Prepare for this cold rainfall.
We walk into the fog,
ready for another.

The scent is colder,
than expected.
The trail leads to confusion.
Yet we still carry on,
let's just ignore their words.

There is a house there.
In ore, impressed,
we walk towards this nature.
Deformed footprints praying,
but we don't answer them.

Slowly through the door.
Barely up the stairs.
The pace is killing me now.
Why can't we hurry up?
He's a heavy sleeper.

Stabbed right in the back.
Sheets, pillows, crimson
like the red ribbon that ties
around my neck in shame.
Cry tears of guilt, shame, thought.

Echoes in the grass.
Drag him away
from his undeserved king bed.
Fascist, sexist, racist.
All traits of a coward.

I hope the blow hurt,
why should you know.
Whatever do you do? Tell
me when you are ever
on your own. Deserted.

And life is so rich.
Let's not waste time.
Why should we waste all our time,
for a crime that we had
to commit? Yet we still walk.

Nope, run. No more walks.
Blood stained on your
delicate, angelic face.
The irony remains.
An angel kills a king.

Like a moth to light,
like endless quests.
Why shall we return to him?
His existence was false.
A saint kills a ruler.

Sure, unjustified
as it may be,
but we shall not hesitate.
One pause means we will lose.
A god kills the demon.

The stains on the grass,
such a sad sight.
It blossoms into a flower.
Yet you wish to end it;
all under this old bridge.

The weapon that sent
him straight to hell,
is the same to send you up.
I might as well join you.
I might just go up too.

No more time to speak.
It crossed my mind.
We crossed so many false paths.
The irony kills me.
An angel goes to hell.

Hey Adam,

Okay, so I'm going to do nitpicks first and then the rest of the review.

There is a house there.
In ore, impressed,
we walk towards this nature, Is "nature" really the word you want?
deformed footprints praying,
but we don't answer them.

Slowly through the door.
Barely up the stairs.
The pace is killing me now.
Why can't we hurry up?
He's a heavy sleeper.

This informalness seems out of place. When you say, "The pace is killing me..." it seems out of context.

Stabbed right in the back.
Sheets, pillows, crimson
like the red ribbon that ties
around my neck in shame. Do you want to say "like the ribbon that is tied around my neck in shame?" A ribbon doesn't tie, is the only thing. Cry tears of guilt, shame, thought.

I hope the blow hurt,
why should you know.
Whatever do you do? Tell
me when you are ever
on your own. Deserted.

It is unclear who the audience is for this line.

Nope, run. No more walks.
Blood stained on your
delicate, angelic face.
The irony remains.
An angel kills a king.

Again, I personally find that a word like "nope" disrupts the semi-formal tone of the piece.


Okay, so about the piece overall. To be perfectly honest with you, I had no idea what was going on. The speaker and an angelic friend kill a bad man as he sleeps, and then run. That was what I got out of this, but I feel like there is more to the story.

On a different note, I really like the way that this is written (exceptions above), and think that you have captured a very nice tone here. The five line stanzas are unusual, but seem natural the way you have written them. You've done a good job with making even lines with breaks that make sense, and I like your use of simile and metaphor, without it being overdone.

If you want the reader to understand your story, I do think that it needs to be clarified. But I like the way you have written this, and if you're okay with it being a little vague, then the more power to you.

Overall, really nice work!

thanks for the read,
sarebear

Hey AJ,

I really, really liked this. It tells a dark story, the pacing is even and flows smoothly, and there are some really unique ideas in this which all added to the dark tone of the piece and the uniqueness of the way this is written.

I thought some of the metaphors and language you used to get your point across was really well thought out and just worked perfectly for the purpose. For instance:

It crossed my mind.
We crossed so many false paths.
The irony kills me.
An angel goes to hell.

I love how you've linked in all of these ideas - the idea of crossing false paths, of the narrator not wishing for anyone to cross their path. This did tell a story, but it also told so much of the feeling in the story. I was pretty glad to have read it.

To be honest, I really don't have all that many nitpicks - although I agree with some of the ones that sarebear has pointed out.

I do think it does really help to understand this as you're reading it - and I was at a slightly advantage in understanding this as you told me over chat what the story was before I really read it properly or started reviewing it. I think having that understanding already actually made it a more enjoyable poem to read - and I actually read it several times without losing interest. Each time I would notice or understand something new.

So while I agree with sarebear's point that it might be good to make this just a little clearer as this may not be quite as easy to understand if you don't know what the story is, I don't think you should clarify it too much - part of the fun of a lot of poetry is re-reading it again and again, delving into it more deeply to discover the hidden meanings.

Other than that, I really don't have much else to say. I love the tone and feeling you've created in this, and the unique and interesting ideas you've brought up in this poem. Well done.

Keep writing,

~Misty~