Young Writers Society

one year
many mistakes
one decision
that's all it takes
drank some alcohol
drank some more
didn't want to remember
anymore
cut to bleed
and bleed to cut
now it makes me sick
in the gut
only did it once
i just lied
did it to the point i nearly died.
toke some drugs
i now hate
they knocked me out
for three days straight
i loved the buzz
i loved the thrill
like a lion
on the kill
i got teased
got called gay
because i loved a girl
she made my day
she broke my heart
guy
but she made me reliese
i am bi
fought with the family
fought with a friend
i just wanted
it all to end
so in one year
i nearly blew it all
with one decision just one call
tears in my eyes
as i tied the rope
i placed it around my neck
cause i couldn't cope
close my eyes
welcoming the dead
as i jumped the rope snapped instead
alone on my floor
i was okay
made me want to
live to see another day

Ack... I hope isn't a true story! Though if it is I am glad it ends well.

So one thing that I noticed is that you told what you did but you didn't actually tell us why you did it. It seems a bit random and strange because we do not actually have the context of what happened. Maybe there is no actual reason?

Another thing that noticed is that when you talked about the suicide attempt, which was fortunately unsuccessful, is that it did not actually seem dramatic. I think that suicide is something that people generally agonize over when they contemplate it so it seems weird that it seemed so... arbitrary. I mean I realize that it might have been done in the heat of the moment but it stills seems rather undramatic. Consider at least talking about what the final straw was so that it becomes more dramatic.

Hope this helps!

Hey there, Kira!

Like Snoinky above me, I too hope that this isn't a true story. A good and optimistic ending is what I always love reading in poems. Your poem rhymes well. Simple, straight-forward and sure. It's casual enough to be believable and it's serious enough to be taken lightly.

I know that the poem really says it out loud and that it's always subject to the poet's style, but the way you've laid out the poem doesn't look too well. It looks like it's been written off a mobile phone in a hurry or just to get it done with. The 'I's are all in lowercase and there's no sign of punctuation. Seriously, if I had to base the poem on first impressions or appearance, I'd barely scroll through and continue reading. It's a shame because this is a great piece and with better structuring and stanza dissecting, you could make this poem look far more appealing and give it justice to the matter. On the other hand, the tone of the poem is such that it actually does match the way its been written since that actually does feel like the character of the piece. It's your call either way. But just remember, no matter how you wish for your writing to look, make it worth your while in writing it.

she broke my heart
guy
but she made me reliese
i am bi

So 'guy' being plainly said out in plain without use of any punctuation for emphasis seems really awkward in its place. It gives me the impression that the stanza doesn't make any sense and that you only added that in there to rhyme it with 'bi' and nothing else. That's the only nit-pic I have to share.

This poem is nice but is underwhelming because it lacks that 'oomph' in aesthetic appeal. But that's just me. You're a great writer. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

murtuza the part where the line only says "guy" is because when i type i can be sometimes be miles a head within my own head but still three lines back typing so it was ment to say "for a guy"