Young Writers Society

I walk along the silent winter lane,
Hands in denim pockets, nostrils wide,
The clouds above begin to signal rain,
And yet, I feel no need to be inside.
The branches curve a tunnel overhead,
Creaking boughs; my oak triumphal arch,
I dream about a history left for dead,
Hear echoes of the hobnailed boots on march.
If I just keep my vision to the way,
I could be walking through another age,
Rolling fields of flint and chalky clay,
My boots a print upon an Austen page...

A five speed hum slides by and breaks the spell,
It sounds to me like rural England's knell.

Hai! First off, let me say that I love the tone you've got here. There's a certain relentless feel to it that just builds beautifully as the poem goes on and by the time you reach the line about 'march' the tone and pace are reflecting the content perfectly. It's beautiful.

Word Choice

In some places you could choose your words more carefully or fit in a few more 'power punches' instead of just filler. It shouldn't be a case of 'how do I find two more syllables'. For example, this line:

And yet, I feel no need to be inside.

The first criticism I have is the use of 'need'. It doesn't feel right. It's not about needing to be inside, it's about desire or want. The next criticism is that here you have only two words which give further description or detail and those are 'need' and 'inside'. The rest of the line is just filler and that's far more filler than anyone wants to see. Try something like:

'The cold is warmer than the air inside' <<< Oooh, now what's going on here? Instead of making a vague line which feels like it's there simply to fit the rhyme, instead this line is now a pivotal point and reveals another aspect of your character.

Rhythm

As I said earlier, I love your rhythm. You're spot on almost everywhere, though I did find a line that was out a syllable:

Creaking boughs; my oak triumphal arch,

So you've used a semi colon to indicate a pause and make up for that missing syllable right? It's not working. The thing is, the issue's at the beginning of this line. Before you even reach the semi colon it feels like it's off. Keep the semi colon, I like it, but don't pretend it's a big enough pause to omit a whole sylllable. This isn't a pivotal enough point in the poem to create a pause mid line. Instead try:

'A creaking bough; my oak triumphal arch,'

Be Direct

This is hard to explain but I have an example to back my up so just bare with me a moment! In poetry, you want to be direct and avoid passiveness, unless you're going for that and have a narrotor or tone where it works. But obviously you're not here! So you want to rain down thunder! You don't want to see, 'you know, I think I may be angry' when you could say 'my wrath was like a viper's poisoned fang'. Example time!

If I just keep my vision to the way,

That just there needs to go. It suggests too much undertainty. Instead you could have something like, 'If I can keep my vision to the way' which is much more direct. See?

Be actionionable

Okay ignore the heading. This is secretly a continuation of be direct, shhhh.

Rolling fields of flint and chalky clay,

This is too passive and too 'oh look, there are pretty hills over there!' You need a verb, some action! I'd suggest:

'Roll the fields of flint and chalky clay,'

The Ending

Is lovely! Perfect conclusion.

Overall

I really like this! I haven't much to criticise, just a few tweaks here and there to make it a little stronger and fix up a few awkward parts, but other than that you've got a great poem here. Oh and I love the title so kudos there! Thanks for a pleasant read, it's been a while since I've read such a delightful little poem on YWS,

Heather xxx

I remember seeing this poem!

Just as a sidenote, I think that you don't have to post the same poem multiple times on YWS... you can definitely use the edit feature! When the points system comes up where you actually have to spend points to post, this might be very good to know! But just realize that you don't have to do this.

Also, I am digging the break. I wasn't sure how it would look in the main poem when you did it (I thought it just might be a good idea) but I am glad to see it works! It's kind of odd-looking at first when you just glance at the poem, but it totally works when you just read the poem.

You are a fantastic writer! So far, all the poems I've read from you are awesome. I'll definitely be looking for more of your stuff.

Thanks for the reviews Yeh the break was a really good idea, I definitely think it works better to give the penultimate line more of a jolt. And the reason I posted twice was my computer went funny and didn't show that it had posted :p