Young Writers Society

God,
Keep her safe:
This once-proud creature
That now hangs her head in defeat.
She used to sing a song
Of a sweet soul
And a strong spirit.
Now she is slowly slipping away
Before my tear filled eyes.

God,
Keep her strong:
She once ran free,
Her head always up
Her hooves always lifted high.
She used to buck and kick;
She used to run and play.
Now she is slowly slipping away
Before my tear filled eyes.

God,
Keep her snug:
Let this broken spirit sleep,
Allow her to escape the hurt.
Her eyes that echo the pain within,
Are now dull and gray.
The peaceful silence is drawing her in.
Now she is slowly slipping away
Before my tear filled eyes.

God,
Protect her:
Don't let her go.
Don't let her fall.
Don't let her down.
I beg of you,
Let this just be a dream;
Don't let her slowly slip away
Before my tear filled eyes.

--------------------

Feel free to criticize it and all that stuff. I welcome it openly
And if you wonder, this is about a dream I had in which my horse (which I love dearly with all my heart and would probably kill myself if she died) was sick and (dun dun dun!) DIED! I thought it was real when I woke up and was really freaked out and crying and I grabbed my secret little journal and BAM! This poem was created. Hope you enjoy it

Hi there katiehorsie!

You must really love horses, if you included it in your username as well. I can get a feeling of what maybe your love is like: unconditional.

I can feel the sadness you might experience if your horse died nicely through this poem. However, it just doesn't make it the whole way. I would like to feel a lot more emotion in this poem, rather than just words. Like, it's sad and heartbreaking, but I feel that it's not quite there and that you could definitely do better.

I also didn't much care for the fact that the majority of the poem was written as if the horse was already dead, had recently passed away. And then your last stanza is all about protecting her and hoping God will save her from death or something. I found i a little confusing, the sudden change in ideas, almost. Personally, I think the entire last stanza is redundant and should be removed. Keep the poem free mostly from general confusion. It's also much better and less dragged out without it, I feel.

This once-proud creature

Also. Why would she still not be proud? I recognize that's she's supposedly dead, but one can die proud. Perhaps I'm getting too technical.

Overall, it was sweet!

Yours,
Lavvie

Hi Katie

I really like this poem. It showed how you felt very clearly through your words. I liked the repetition, which gave it a nice touch. The poem was really nice and sweet. I liked to read it, but it isn't one that will stay in my mind for long. But it was nice.

Deanie x

Oy, I hate it when animals die. Though! I am glad it was only a dream!

I have to agree with Lavvie here... the stanza did seem a little bit odd at the end. I am used to praying for the dead, so that's not the problem. However the words used were just confusing because they don't really speak for someone who has died but rather someone who is living. They made sense once you read the note you attached and realize that this was just some sort of awful dream. But outside of that, it would be really hard to tell. So, I think you should probably make the ending more sad, because sad is better than confusing.

As far as the rest of the poem goes, I quite liked it. It was repetitious, but in a good way, and full of plenty of heartfelt emotion. Some good stuff here!

In any case, give your horse a nice big scruffle for me, okay? Let's hope she stays around for much longer!

Thanks to people who read my poem, and yes, without the dream I had, it would most likely not be nearly as sad as it is to me. But for the entire poem, as there seems to be a bit of confusion and such over it, I wrote it as if she was still alive but she was very sick and dying. It was meant to almost describe how she was and what was happening to her as I pretty much watched helplessly. And again, thanks for the critique

Hi there,

I really liked this - I liked how your use of repetition in lines 1,2, 8 and 9 of all four stanzas really tied it together.

However - stanza four didnt really work for me, perhaps because in line 2 of stanzas 1,2 and 3 you used a very similar technique in each of making finally word begin with the same consonant - safe, strong, snug - I think it perhaps made the final stanza a bit imbalanced for my liking as it didnt not fulfill my expectations that you had so faithfully and pleasing delivered in the previous three.

Other than that - excellent