Young Writers Society

I walk along the silent winter lane,
Hands in denim pockets, nostrils wide,
The clouds above begin to signal rain,
But still, I feel no need to be inside.
The branches curve a tunnel overhead,
Straining bark; my oak triumphal arch,
I dream about a history left for dead,
Hear echoes of the hobnailed boots on march.
If I just keep my vision to the way,
I could be walking through another age,
Rolling fields of flint and chalky clay,
My boots a print upon an Austen page...

A five speed hum slides by and breaks the spell,
It sounds to me like rural England's knell.

Hi Izzy!

I walk along the silent winter lane,
Hands in denim pockets, nostrils wide,

Really not liking the "nostrils wide". Talking about nostrils is odd at the best of times, but here it feels like you just shoved it in to make a rhyme. The rest of the poem is very quiet and the language is very formal, so talking about nostrils jars even more.

The branches form a tunnel overhead,
I pass beneath my oak triumphal arch,

Something about this phrase really bugs me. It's quite a specific image, and it doesn't quite fit with the rest of the theme, imho. The rest of the poem is about England and its history, and the title makes me think that this is a lament for a time gone. "Knell" makes me think of the death knell, so that would make this a mourning piece--the mention of Austen showing the desire for a return to the romanticised view of England that was associate with her works, and the juxtaposition of this with the detail about "denim pockets". So why "triumphal arch"? Where is the triumph? What have you won, what are you celebrating?

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So! Overall I quite like this poem. I like the thoughtful, sad feel to it, the longing for something past and gone. However, some things jarred on a very basic word level--like the talk of nostrils and the "triumphal arch". If you fix those to fit with the rest of the poem, I think this'll turn out really great!

-twit

A sonnet! And one I didn't notice was a sonnet initially, at that. (And though irrelevant, your signature gave me moment to chuckle.)

Most noticeable thing: no periods. The pure comma use led to the lines blending in far more than they should, considering the beauty each holds. A period here and there will calm the pace and give the reader a firmer grip on your excellent details.

Going to have to disagree with Twit... I think the nostrils are a nice touch. The whole poem is very down-to-earth and realistic despite its weight, and wide nostrils are certainly a common, unnoticed detail that puts in some realism. The "Austen page" would be disconcerting coming out of nowhere, save for the title and its lateness+subtlety, so just be wary of throwing things in 'just because.'

Just quickly, being a pedant and pointing out the break from the 10-syllable rule in certain lines (which I personally approve of, mind you).

"If I keep my vision to the way," - reading from the previous line, the way your rhythm is currently set up this needs an extra syllable or so to keep the flow; it felt awkwardly short. Perhaps "If I may keep my vision to the way" or some variation thereof would work better.

I like the contemplative tone. The speaker is to me morosely and intricately linked to the history he speaks of, quite appropriate given the 'knell' that is your theme. It is true, then, that as Twit says the "triumphal arch" is at odds with the rest. Still, the tone shift is not as jarring to me as the imagery shift. Prior to that moment it had been everyday and suddenly an arc of triumph! As I mentioned with "Austen page," be wary of the temptation to haphazardly sprinkle in 'seasonings,' as it were. But if you take care to change "oak triumphal arch" to, say, "oaken dirge-like arch" it will be a great smoothing over. As for why 'dirge-like,' it suits the speaker's nostalgia and adds metaphor without being ostentatious.

The ending felt a bit sudden, though in a sonnet that is wont to happen through no real fault of the author's. Part of it was the rhyme, which I hadn't particularly noticed before, really pointing itself out. This was most likely the sudden consecutive-line rhyming along with the emphasis on '"knell" in the last line - it ends the poem very abruptly and draws extra attention to itself with the accent falling upon it.
The other part of the suddenness was the unexpected blatancy of the statement of the theme. It had been implied gracefully, and then is stated with all the subtlety and tact of the "five speed hum." The bit just quoted is perhaps too jarring... try messing around with some more clever, soft way of implying it or using a different, parallel device.

All in all, very nice, evocative of the images within and sincere. Keep writing! =]