Young Writers Society

Twenty young children
Sat in the bright-lit classroom,
Their soft cheeks lifted high
Pink and red they bloom.

But poor little Rahni
Sat away from all the rest,
Her blue eyes downcast
And arms folded across her chest.

The teacher approached her last
And asked her quietly,
The same question she had asked them all
“If you were an animal, what would you be?”

Rahni took a deep breath
And stared into the wrinkled face,
Pity stitched into every aged line
She wished to escape this place.

“If I were any animal
I would be a beautiful horse,
For then I could run and run and run
Away from here of course.

“I would sense when there is danger
And escape before it hits,
For I would have the strength
And most importantly, the wits.

“I could turn and I could fight
Pure muscles at my side,
I could rear and kick and bite
No more need to hide.

“People would look up to me
Aghast by my beauty
No more frowns, no more winces
No more strait, black pity.

“If I could be a horse
I would no longer be a freak,”
Rahni concluded her statement
A single tear running down her bruised and battered cheek.

Hi, Samii!

I liked the narrative concept and the story in this poem. I haven't read something like this in a while, so it was refreshing. I also like rhyming poetry a lot, so it was extra nice.

However, when you write anything but free verse, you really need to pay attention to the rhythm and stick to the one you choose. Otherwise it will be very troubling to read, because as you know, poetry should always be read out loud. And if the rhythm is off, the rhymes won't work either.

The rhythm was much more consistent towards the end, so I don't know if you had intentionally improved on it or if it was just a coincidence. Stanzas 6 and 7 have the clearest rhythm, so I hope the other stanzas will follow their example.

The key to noticing when the rhythm is off is the aforementioned reading the poem out loud. When you notice yourself speaking some of the lines very quickly compared to the rest of the poem (or then much more slowly), you'll know something is wrong. If you need to read something fast in order for it to fit in, there are too many syllables in it, and if you read very slow, there are too few. A good example is your very last stanza:

“If I could be a horse
I would no longer be a freak,”
Rahni concluded her statement
A single tear running down her bruised and battered cheek.

The first line has six syllables, the second and third both have eight - and the last line has as many as 13 syllables. There's no way you can read it fast enough, so you'll have to cut down on the syllables. It's not just with this stanza; you had rather many occurrences of this sort. Getting the rhythm in place might require some rephrasing, but I'm sure you can do it.

So technically, this needs some polishing, but as I already said, I like the story and the way you told it. Good job on that!


Demeter
x

Hey there, samii27!

This is a beautiful poem that you've written here and it has a great deep meaning and intricately woven philosophy attached to it as well. Whenever I see a poem in rhyme, I automatically feel that there's something that you as a poet have attempted in portraying rhythm and flow into your words and thereby giving your piece life.

The story that you've tried to portray can be easily understood with regard to its situation and context. You're narrating about a young girl's dreary life and her need to break free from her supposed chains. And that longing for freedom that is so innate in everyone's spirit. So it's quite easy to relate to since you've described a lot of common feelings and sentiments.

And I would say that you've managed to make give it some credibility in that aspect since I liked the way you've envisioned the delivery. Though there were a few hiccups here and there when it came to smoothness. It's always good to make sure that the syllable count is the same between the two lines you want to rhyme. That way, you'll create a certain rhythm and it'll be silky smooth when read out loud.

The last line seemed particularly long. You already know this and may have intended for it to be that way. But the second line in the stanza is so tiny and by the time I reach the end of the last line, I've already forgotten that it's in rhyme with the second line.

So just a few basic tweaks here and there and you'd have a great poem in your hands. Remember, the more you write, the more you're making an improvement. So don't hesitate to write any piece of writing, no matter how bad. In the end, you'll build up on your strengths.

Keep the ink flowing.

Murtuza