Young Writers Society

This was originally intended to be for the Christmas Competition but I'm a day late. Though nevertheless, I want you guys to let me know how it is

The presents sat beneath,
so delicately entwined.
A little face, lay in anxious wait
for the present she would find.

Before she would delve herself,
another small face drew close.
A smile, he warmly portrayed
as her cheeks grew pinkish-rose.

“It’s Chris, miss,” he said,
as he handed a modest gift.
Lily was pleasantly surprised
at his smiles, quick and swift.

Many Christmases did pass,
and the seeds of love did sow.
They always met at that very spot
underneath the mistletoe.

Bro!

This. Poem. I love it to pieces. Literally. It's amazing. The rhyme scheme, the flow, everything was just... Wow. But. I have a few Nitpicks. Very unpleasant, but I must.

The presents sat beneath,
so delicately entwined.

"Entwined" doesn't seem right here, because, well, if I think about it, gifts can't exactly be entwined now can they? Maybe you could use a different word? You could say:

The presents sat beneath,
so many of their kind.

(Bad suggestion.) Because that way, it'd still rhyme and still make sense.

Before she would delve herself,

I'm not sure, but I think you meant "could" instead of "would"?

And (thankfully) that's pretty much all I had to say. Also:

Lily was pleasantly surprised

Lily. <333 It totally reminded me of Harry Potter. XD Anyway, I loved this poem! <3 Also, I'm sorry for not reviewing it earlier.

~Hermy~

Hai! Okay so I should be working now, just so you know, but I likes me some poetry which means I'm going to review this instead ^^

Title: It's cute, it's punny. It suggests that if I'm looking for a serious poem I should look elsewhere, but if I want something that's light and either funny or sweet, this might be the poem for me. So I click through and sure enough it's a cute little poem! In other words, good job on matching title and poem, it's surprising how many poets slip up there.

Stanza One:

Your use of 'sat' in the first line is very weak. Try to avoid using the first verb that occurs to you please? Poetry is all about the strength of your language and you should never use a simple verb where a more interesting one would serve you better. Here you could use something unusual like 'close' which gives the impression that they're huddling together or you could have 'sleep' which personifies the presents.

I'm not sure about your use of entwined, it feels a little too old fashioned and out of place. Maybe 'grouped' or 'knit'? Of course then you'd have to change find as well, but I think that last line sounded a little forced anyway. Oh, if you used knit, you could have something like 'for a very special gift'. I'm loving the half rhyme with face and wait by the way! You should do that more. Half rhymes are far, far better than simple ones.

Stanza Two:

Really awkward first line! You can't delve yourself, or you can, but uh... why is she searching herself? I know what you mean - look amongst the presents - but why didn't you say that then

Close and rose, a very nice imperfect rhyme again. I'm not sure about portrayed though, once again there's that feeling of being out of place. You're mixing very simple language with words that are tricky or almost archaic. Entwined, delve, portrayed. I'd say all three of those need to go. They have no place in a children's rhyme which is what this feels like to me.

Stanza Three:

I don't like the second line, it's very fragmented and handed just sounds far too rough. Also, modest is questionable. Not sure the word fits with the feel of the poem. Maybe something like 'holding a red ribboned gift'. Then the rest of the stanza is boring. We don't want to know about his smiles and the swift is obviously forced to fit the rhyme. Throw in some imagery! Maybe describe the gift? That would be nice.

Stanza Four:

A sweet ending, it could maybe be polished up a little though. Take a look at your word choice and see if you can't brighten it up more. For example, spot is a very mundane word and gives no sense of place or surroundings, which immediately under-cuts the importance of this 'spot'. Try 'hearth' or 'They always met beside the tree'. Just something that's going to provide more of an image and setting for the reader.

Overall

A sweet Christmas poem! It could use some work but it's nice and I think it would fit well into a children's book of poetry.

Heather xxx

Hey there, Murty! Rose here to review!

This is absolutely adorable! I read quite a few Christmas poems over the past few weeks and, frankly, I got tired of them after a while, but this one was refreshing. I really can't think of any other word to describe it other than "cute", unless perhaps I used "Frikkin Awesome." But that would be two words, wouldn't it? Still...

The only part I'm not entirely crazy about is this:

Before she would delve herself,
another small face drew close.
A smile, he warmly portrayed
as her cheeks grew pinkish-rose.

The first line seems just a tad disjointed to me. It just doesn't make sense, at least in my mind; however, it could just be me. Also, I'm not sure about the last line; describing the girl's cheeks as "pinkish-rose" feels slightly awkward.

“It’s Chris, miss,” he said,
as he handed a modest gift.
Lily was pleasantly surprised
at his smiles, quick and swift.

This was my absolute favorite part, namely the first line. It's so cute! I mean, it's got a touch of humor to it and doesn't come off cheesy or cliche (which is what Christmas poems are always bordering on, ).

All in all, great work as always, Murty! Always keep writing!

-Rose

This poem is awesome. I love it so much! It's adorable and romantic and clever. And it rhymes without even having to force it or anything, good job!

I really like this!!! The rhyming scheme was wonderful and I even liked how you used 'Christ, mas." I can't give you an amazing review because I am not the best at writing poetry! :3 But great job and I like this! I even got a mental image! :3

Wow....

*Is sorry this is not a real review*