Young Writers Society

I said hey, Mr.Sooner or later,
What will we do today?
He said, we'll meet here tomorrow
So why don't you go and get some rest?
I said hey there Sooner or Later,
Why are we doing this?
He said its because all the people forget.

I said, hey there Dr.Sawbones,
Is she gonna be ok?
He said, why don't you come back tomorrow?
she'll be awake by then
I said, book me in the evening,
I've got to dress to impress....

I said hey there lovely lady,
I told you we'd meet again..
She said, hey Mr Ruff and tumble,
Turn around so I can get dressed.
So we left, ol Doc Sawbones,
And the best time we had spent...

I dont get this poem, Lol do you mind filling me in? Thanks.

Hey Los.

I like this poem for the concept you've got going, it's working on a theoretical level but less on a practical one. The repetitious nature of "I said" "He said" isn't working for me at all, they're placed far too closely for comfort of reading. I find that flow is something very important to me when I'm reading poetry. Any kind of jarring throws me off entirely and I have to begin again. I feel like the jarring here isn't something you actually want to happen, it's just something which is happening due to the format of your poem.

Have you considered playing with the format of the poem? It would be interesting to see some volume given to the lines by spacing the speech at wider spaces to each other. Perhaps a back and forth across the page with the interspersed "we" in the middle? This is only something to play with and consider, your current format is working, albeit a little rigidly.

The names are cutsey in a way - I'm not sure if this is what you're going for at all. Maybe something a little more serious would work better with the format? I'm finding that some of the language jars with what I see as your intention and that's difficult to reconcile from the three strophes you've given us.

All that said, this is a good poem from base to tip and if you really didn't want to do anything too much too it - even cosmetically - I'd understand. It's a fairly solid bit of work you should be pleased with.

Any queries, hit me up.
- Penguin.