Young Writers Society

We were worthless, we were costly,
we were forgers of broken paths.
Black with sin, our guns were empty
as we charged the Sheriff’s wrath.

“Don’t look down!” you yelled at me
as you braked and spun the wheel.
Bullets shrieked, the windshield smashed,
and I gave Death my last appeal.

“Spare us, please!” I begged the figure,
who solemnly nodded his head.
He sent us falling, falling down—
when I awoke, I was in bed.

In silence we lay together
reeking of crime and ash and mud.
But when I searched for your embrace
I instead found pools of blood.

“Don’t look down,” you rasped to me
as my hand grew soaked with red.
I panicked and yanked your head back
though I knew you were already dead.

That same day, I tasted bullets.
I had had enough of life’s woes.
I looked down as I pulled the trigger…
to see the flames of hell at my toes.

so dark and so moving. I love this. My favorite thing about reading this lyric is the way i was so intrigued by the story and the characters that i didnt even think about grammer or spelling. I was swept away, im definatly a fan of dark writting and this was as you said a dark peice, and you commited to it, every line was detailed and yet to the point. i really enjoyed this. keep up the awsome writting.

whoa, this really good! This poem flows amazingly well! Also, your diction creates a vivid picture of what's happening in the story.This poem is written beautifully, however, it fails to make a connection to me, like I'm watching this happen. Which is a perfectly enjoyable way to read something, it's just different for a poem. Expertly crafted and capable of creating a little mini-movie in my mind. This poem is great!

Ahh! That was amazing! It reminded me of Demolition Lovers by My Chemical Romance (couldn't help but notice you were a fan as well <3) This poem is beautiful, and it flows really, really well. It serves me as inspiration for writing poetry, so thanks for sharing it! I have seen no problems whatsoever with it and I would love to see many more works from you, you are really good at it. Keep writing!

Hey, Sarah! ^.^

Amazingly well written. This a prime example of a poem best written when it is inspired from a format that is so expressive and engages one's mind. You've weaved a brilliant tale of two crooks and the miserable life of crime and guilt that weighs down on them and ultimately leads to the demise of one of the partners as well.

The plot is engaging and leads me on to great interest. The best part about this is that it rhymes and I love poems that rhyme. It is not picture perfect when it comes to syllable count and everything, but you've done a satisfying job of making it flow well. The dire atmosphere that you've infused here is quite good and adds great effect to the overall situation.

We were worthless, we were costly,
we were forgers of broken paths.
Black with sin, our guns were empty
as we charged the Sheriff’s wrath.

Now the thing you have to consider in this stanza here is the 'paths'-'wrath' connection. They don't rhyme together. And also, you have to look at the possibility of how the word 'wrath' is pronounced. Some people pronounce 'wrath' with an 'a' sound while some do it with an 'o' sounding syllable. I hope you understand what I'm getting at see here for further referencing.

Well, that's just about the one thing I wanted to point out. With a little bit more polishing and attention to syllable count and word choice, you could make this poem better than it already is. You've got great poetic flair. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza