Young Writers Society

Once upon a time
There were a princess and her Knight.
They loved each other, that’s right,
But just spoke of their love to the moonlight.

All citizens could see
The love they tried so hard to hide,
But the princess didn’t know she was loved.
And neither did the knight.

But then came a day, and by its last light,
To the princess came the knight.
“I am sorry”, he said, “but I need to do what’s right.
I love you, and I can’t stand you being out of my sight.”

It was dark, but, for her, it had never been so bright.
“You will always be my princess”,
He continued, hugging her tight.

They are happy together nowadays,
Living a simple life.
Yes, simple, because only to each other
They were the Princess and Her Knight.

Hello, I'm Misfit and I'll be reviewing this poem today.

[quoteOnce upon a time
There were a princess and her Knight.
They loved each other, that’s right, This line sounds a bit awkward to me. Maybe add another word?
But just spoke of their love to the moonlight.

All citizens could see
The love they tried so hard to hide,
But the princess didn’t know she was loved.
And neither did the knight.

Good stanza here, I like the rhythm and rhyme.

But then came a day, and by its last light,
To the princess came the knight.
“I am sorry”, he said, “but I need to do what’s right.
I love you, and I can’t stand you being out of my sight.”

It was dark, but, for her, it had never been so bright.Again this sounds a bit odd, it throws things off.
“You will always be my princess”,
He continued, hugging her tight.

They are happy together nowadays,
Living a simple life. Elaborate more?
Yes, simple, because only to each other
They were the Princess and Her Knight.][/quote]



Overall, I really enjoyed your poem and I got a good story out of it as well. As you can tell there wasn't really much wrong with it. I really enjoy your writing, so keep it up. Forever may you write.


~ Misfit ~

Hey Monica! Dogs here with your review today! Firstly I really love your avatar and welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here! So this is a good poem you have here, interesting plot line and good rhyming. So firstly I'm going to start off with a few grammar errors I picked up:

"There were a princess and her Knight"

Now correct me if I am wrong but isn't this suppose to be: There was a princess and her knight. I could be totally wrong because I'm not an expert in grammar but I know that it sounds better with the "was" instead of the "were".

"It was dark, but, for her, it had never been so bright"

So uh oh! Overuse of those commas there! Yes this is grammatically correct but it is really choppy because of all those extra commas you throw in there. So maybe say this instead:

It was dark, but for her it had never been so bright".

Now building off of that I notice that you put a capital at the beginning of every line. yes you can do that in poetry because it is your decision but personally, I don't like it because it makes it sound choppy to me when I read it out loud and It doesn't look very good format wise but that is just me.

So now building of that.... let's take a more poetic glance at this rather then just playing grammar cop lol. Anywho! So this story was sooo.... boring. Sorry if i am harsh but there was no climax in your story. So basically you have just taken a story that says: "here is a princess and her knight and they loved each other but they didn't know they loved each other and then one day the knight said I love you and they lived happily ever after... the end" Shortest and least climatic story every right? Where is the obstacle in this poem other then the fact that they don't know that they love each other. Where is the problem and where is the solution a little more dramatic then someone just telling someone else that "I love you". So to fix this problem you should either base this off of a more climatic story, write out a short story and then base the poem off of it.

Furthermore your rhyming scheme is good for the most part. You have faced the challenge that everyone faces when they try to rhyme and that is trying to rhyme and not making it sound forced. For example when you say:

"There were a princess and her Knight.
They loved each other, that's right,"

So firstly this sounds like story time to little kids with the "thats right" which I don't think is the idea that you are trying to convey here. Also I noticed that you capitalized "Knight" and not "princess". either capitalize both of them or none of them.

Finally, you use so many old, overused, and boring words in this poem. You need to add a little more depth to this poem by

1: expanding your vocabulary. I suggest you take some of these old and overused words and look them up in a thesauruses. It helps my writing a lot.

2: And adding more emotion into this piece. To make any love poem more successful you need to at the very very very least have some emotion in there which can be achieved with metaphors and similes and personification which all contribute to something I call "Emotional Poetry". So your goal if you are writing an emotional poem is to make the reader feel what you or your character is feeling inside. You can look at some examples on my portfolio on my profile under the "emotional poetry" button in my Portfolio if you need clarification.

So that is all I really have to say. This is a good poem but it has potential to be a great poem. Keep up the good work!!!! P.M me if you need anything!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

This had a very Shel Silverstein feel to it! So quick and flowey and cute. The kind of poem I would have devoured whole in my younger years simply for the rhyming scheme and the little twist of a theme near the end that made this a little bit more than just a simple, boring poem. And that's probably why I'm starting with a compliment.

As it goes, this poem was aesthetically boring, and lacking in that sort of strength that most contemporary poetry holds. It bears its intent with that one last line barely giving it a bit of body. A little bit of something in a whole lot of nothing (though I mean this only respectfully, of course!). And that can be troublesome and a little disheartening, no doubt, but it also shows that you have the capability of drawing comparisons. Of creating that little ironical twist that is so necessary in poetry.

So what does this mean? You have a start.

This poem in itself is a little too superficial for my tastes due to the nature of its content, but when I look at it as a whole, I see that little bit of a poet's quirk. That moment in which the gears break through the rust and start spinning, or in this case, maybe turning for the first time if poetry is something of a newer passion for yourself.

Now, as it goes, I have a few recommendations to make. Firstly, ditch the rhyme scheme until you are completely comfortable with your diction and vocab. Poetry does not have to be rhyming to be effective and so many people lose the initial intent trying to be classy and structured. Structure is not really all that important if the meaning bears itself well enough, and it can if you let it. So write from the heart first and foremost.

Secondly, lets try skirting across a subject. Flitting back and forth between two ideas. Making connections. Layering. Poetry should not merely have one facet but many facets. A whole bouquet of flowers rather than one very basic, though pretty flower. It takes time creating something with that many flowers, but that time will pay off and you'll be writing fantastic poetry in no time flat.

Now, the last thing would be poetic devices. You use one extended metaphor, but it would have been nice to get a little imagery. More than one metaphor, in fact. You make a comparison its so flat and basic it lacks any real charm. The power in poetry is the beauty of poetry. The way it falls off your tongue. The way it makes a personal connection between the reader and yourself.

As it goes, I quite liked this;

They loved each other, that’s right,
But just spoke of their love to the moonlight.

This is where you're not making your intentions quite out front. It doesn't automatically click that they are telling each other their love, so this is a good way of making that connection without having to state it. With a little polish and a higher vocab, this sort of statement could be quite pretty.

If you have any questions, PM me!
~Walker

This is a great poem! Very sweet, great rhyming skills (I like the second line, even if know one else does), and a cute, but unexpected ending. This poem has it all! You should submit it to a poetry contest. Happy Writings!