Young Writers Society

Gone for good.

Standing there on that cold morning,
yawning, and desperately wanting to go back to sleep.
Wearing that awful uniform and carry a heavy bag,
I stood there watching out for a bus.

“Look! I see something,” My friend said
and pointed out to me.
“Finally something to discover,” I said sleepily
and walked briskly to the other side.

As astonishing as this could be, I saw a kitty;
Its golden and white fur not cherished,
Its little blue eyes wide in fear,
as it struggled to get out of its wretched condition.

It was weak and couldn’t move an inch,
Paralysed- it could be called.
“What can I do?” I asked my friend.
“Help. That’s what,” She said and left me.

A few days passed, and I worried much;
it was in pain and I spent day and night praying.
I tried various ways to help and thought for more,
but none of this was ever useful.

One fine afternoon, after school;
I decided to make a little home for it.
I went home and ate peacefully,
Then ran out with a basket made of straw.

“Kitty!” I said happily and on my knees I sat.
I picked it up on my arms to place it on the basket.
As soon as I did so, huge tears trickled down;
It was too late. The cold had killed it.

I was crying the whole out of me and the day after too,
“Why? Why was I so stupid?” I asked myself.
But I thought of something else, which made me smile.
It is in safe hands now. The Lord has taken care of it.

I really like it.It just like a story line but quit too simple.I wish you could put some pretty words at your poem.But,never mind..It still cute:D


*'I was crying the whole out of me and the day after too,
“Why? Why was I so stupid?” I asked myself.
But I thought of something else, which made me smile.
It is in safe hands now. The Lord has taken care of it. '
*I like this stanza.By the way,good job from you!Hope I can see more masterpiece from you!Keep writing.you're just 13,its awesome!

Choco! This was a sad poem. :'( Poor kitty. But the end cheered me up. The last stanza was a good way to end the poem.
On to the nitpicks. You, me and a lot of other people make this mistake. We begin every line with a capital letter. Why? I have no clue. I guess it makes it look better? But, yeah, back to the point. Someone told me (I forgot who.) that you don't need to begin every line of a poem with a capital letter. If your previous line ends with a full stop, it's okay. But if the previous line ends with a comma, you really don't need to begin the next one with a capital letter. And there are a couple of things I wanted to tell you but I'll just do that as I go along.

To stand there in Standing there on that cold morning,
yawning, and desperately wanting to go back to sleep.
To wear Wearing that awful uniform and carrying a heavy bag,
I stood there watching out for a bus.

(I liked how you began the poem. But using past continuous tense seemed like a better idea to me. Doesn't it make the lines shorter? )

"Look! I see something." My friend said
and pointed out to me.
Finally something to discover." I said sleepily,
and walked briskly to the other side.

As astonishing as this could be, I saw a kitty;
Its golden and white fur not cherished,
Its little blue eyes wide in fear,
As it struggled to get out of its wretched condition.

(Astonishing doesn't exactly describe it very well. Maybe pitiful would be better?)

It was weak and couldn't move an inch,
Paralysed- it can could be called.
"What can I do?" I asked my friend.
"Help. That's what." She said and left me.

(Tenses! So painful, aren't they? But this should be past tense because your entire poem is in past tense.)

A few days passed, and I worried much;
It was in pain and I spent day and night praying.
I tried various ways to help and thought for more,
But none of this was ever useful.

One fine afternoon, after school;
I decided to make a little home for it.
I went home and ate peacefully,
Then ran out with a basket made of straw.

"Kitty!" I said happily and on my knees I sat.
I picked it up on my arms to place it on the basket.
As soon as I did so, huge tears trickled down;
It was too late. The cold had killed it.

(I'm probably being a little too sentimental over here but, this stanza actually brought tears to my eyes.*sniff*)

I was crying the whole out of me and the day after too,
"Why? Why was I so stupid?"I asked myself.
But I thought of something else, which made me smile.
It is in safe hands now. The Lord has taken care of it.

I really liked your last stanza. A lot. Seriously. If I could, I would 'like' his poem an infinite number of times. It was really sweet and sad and told the story in a very nice way. That still brought tears to my eyes. *sniff sniff* Overall, awesome poem!
Keep Writing! (Please!)
~HPR~ (You-Know-Who >:D )

Hi there, Choco<3333

Here to review. This is so sad. Almost cried and that's because I love cats. I've had ten kitties in my life. Well, I had a cat when I was nine and she had lots of kitties, then mom said we couldn't keep them all so we kept the mother and one of the other kitties. But the mother disappeared and the other kitty was hit by a car! D: And yes, he died. But now I have another kitty and--- Why am I babbling about this in the reviewing box? xD Lol.

Okay, let's get to the writing. You write lovely poetry, Choco. Why did I not know this? I actually, wouldn't change anything at all from your piece. Beautiful. Except! For some grammar thingies.

Check out the red periods.

“Look! I see something.” My friend said

“Finally something to discover.” I said sleepily

“Help. That’s what.” She said and left me.

Because you inserted dialogue in your piece, those periods should be commas. No biggie! You just correct that.

Great job! Keep writing!

~Solly<3

Hey, Coco!

This is an endearing story with a great bitter-sweet ending that is positive and has great moral to boot. I see a lot of stray animals outside. Cats, dogs, even the little guys like squirrels don't catch a break on the streets. It's a difficult life for them so they've gotta constantly survive. The entire moving force for this piece was the cat. IT didn't do much at all in the poem. But just its presence and its thought were enough to charge a revolution in the persona's mind.

The story is nice and you've made it quite easy to understand and haven't used any tedious or confusing scenarios. It's all simple and straight-forward and carries the whole piece well.

I was crying the whole out of me and the day after too,

This line here wasn't too well interpreted. 'Whole' doesn't quite fit in here since it's a totally non-understandable statement. Try rephrasing.

All in all, there's much you could have done to improve the flow of this piece. But nevertheless, you've managed to put forth a great effort. Nice work and keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza