Young Writers Society

Hell plays with Heaven

A cloud so superior,
And thunder strong as ever.
A dashing hurricane strikes,
Wanting to kill the light.
This is when Hell plays with Heaven.

People write and make things with sand,
Keeping good memories behind.
But the waves ruin those memories,
Just to make it shoddier for them.
This is when Hell plays with Heaven.

Tribes of those who do not furnish mercy,
And are born to kill the Earth beauties,
They run for their life,
But are soon shot with a spear.
This is when Hell plays with Heaven.

A child that fights with glow on the outside,
But inside, she’s lonely and only a shimmer remains.
She is ready to fear anything that comes by,
But is terribly troubled at heart.
This is when Hell plays with Heaven.

So, let the gates open with birds chirping,
And with God’s grace, the angels shine.
Hating the hell, I enter the place,
Where peace is found and I do not have to
Face the game,where Hell plays with Heaven.

---
Cookie

Hi Cookie!
Review~~ I love the concept behind this poem and your choice of words It is in_ter_res_ting.
Some nitpicks...

ChocoCookie wrote:People write and make things with sand,
With good memories behind it.

I don't know about the flow... how about:
People write and make things with sand,
Keeping good memories behind.

ChocoCookie wrote:They run for their life,
But is soon shot with a spear.

I think it should be are.

ChocoCookie wrote:A child that fights with glow in the outside,

I think it is suppose to be on.

ChocoCookie wrote:But is terribly troubled in heart.

Troubled at heart.

ChocoCookie wrote:Where peace is found and I do not have to,
Face the game,Where, Hell plays with Heaven.

Remove the first and third comma.
I LIKE ZIS POEM <3
Constant repetition of This is when hell plays with heaven was nice.
I hope I wasn't too nitpicky :3 Apart from these tiny mistakes it was awesome. Oh and I love the title.
Keep writing.
<3 Aku

That Was Brilliant!

In my opinion ... it was very detailes and moving.
But there is always room to improve!!

Lorna
XX
p.s this is my 3rd review!!

Well, that was nice.

I must admit, the title is misleading. It led me very much to believe that some literal game would be occurring. Not that what you actually wrote is less entertaining - props for the interest-creating title and the topic-unexpected cool poem that followed.

The repetition of your eponymous phrase was good, with its clarity and simplicity. Like a refrain from an intelligent, wise song.

Flow... this is the kind of poem with an anti-flow: the rhythm is there in the lack of one. It isn't musical, but it does sound natural, like a friend talking or an older acquaintance reminiscing.

The tone troubles me a tiny bit, a tad. Throughout, it stays bitter, but in a sort of dejected, resigned way. That's perfectly fine - it suits the subject matter. But the bit near the end, "Hating the hell" - that really struck me as out of place. I suppose it makes sense as subconscious hatred that floats up in a random, bubble-bursting spot, but it struck me as too intense and blunt for the moment.

Where peace is found and I do not have to
Face the game,where Hell plays with Heaven.

I think this would work better if you changed the line breaks like so:
"Where peace is found and I do not
have to face the game, where Hell plays with Heaven."
In general, try to avoid ending lines in prepositions!

Nothing to say, really... nice poem, keep writing! =]

Hey, Coco! ^.^

This is a brilliant concept and definitely so very poetic. It speaks clearly and doesn't ask for too much to be understood. You've done well to add the imagery of Hell's negative effect over each situation that you've portrayed. You've actually given so much life to the role of Hell and reminded the reader of its existence at the end of every stanza, that I actually feel that it could have been a real entity or person in the poem.

I like how you've imagined the scenes. Very artistic and dramatic.
A few nit-picks here and there though. But still, a very nice poem to read ^_^

People write and make things with sand,

The start of the second stanza doesn't quite live up to the hype of the first. You've very beautifully worded the first stanza and made the description sound sublime. But over here, it's like you're not trying as hard. Using the word 'things' doesn't do anything to appeal to the mind. It's like you wanted to say something, but didn't know how, so you just said 'things'. The use here is fine, really. But in a poetic form, 'things' sounds a bit underwhelming.

Just to make it shoddier for them.

Again, here the word 'shoddier' doesn't fit right. It sounds far too casual and I begin asking myself, 'Where's that flow from the first stanza?'

And are born to kill the Earth beauties,

This line has to be rephrased a bit.

And are born to kill earthly beauties,

OR

And are born to kill the beauties of Earth,

A child that fights with glow on the outside,
But inside, she’s lonely and only a shimmer remains.
She is ready to fear anything that comes by,
But is terribly troubled at heart.

I'm a bit confused by this stanza. In the beginning, you say that this 'child' is courageous and strong and bright on the outside but is lonely within. <-- I can understand all that clearly. But then the next line is, 'She is ready to fear anything that comes by,'? Why would she be ready to fear anything that comes by if she's so strong? Or maybe you wanted to write, 'face' instead of 'fear' but I doubt that. Nevertheless, maybe it's just me, but I think a little more clarification would be nice.

Also, I find that just the first stanza of your poem has crisp and short lines whereas the rest of the lines are far too long and have too many words than needed for description. I'm sure this would work great in rhyme since there's always a balance of syllables and stress in the words. But that's just me

This poem has a lot of potential for being better than it already is. The language doesn't do it so much justice but does the job of conveying the atmosphere of the poem, even if misinterpreted by the reader. xD

I agree Coco, you've got talent. I'm looking forward to reading more. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza