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Mon May 30, 2011 12:06 pm
Vapor says...



This is a...umm... well I'm not sure. I called it "poetry" when I had to hand in for English class...but in all reality, I don't really know what to call it. It was from one of those times when I was just so broken and bent I didn't know what to do and I just sat down and wrote and let whatever came out of my head spill from my fingers.

There's a lot of meaning behind it for me, but it's all probably words for everyone else. I dared to share it anyway. Got a way to help improve it? Please share--especially with the structure part...


It started out as a vain aspiration
Moved to a display of her true colors
Breifly became a passion,
Entirely an obsession.
Became the dead repetitive action.
Her head is a conveyor belt, ever in motion.
Through empty eyes she watches the world but behind those sold irises the belt is still flying, though everyone finds her sleepy.
Her body is weak.
She doesn't remember like she used to.
The belt doesn't function so cleanly.
Her smile is broken, completely fractured in pieces that grow smaller every day.
She's tired because whenever she puts forth effort she only falls flatter than the first time.
Her failure has finally idled her, her peers don't comply.
They scorn her quiet, call her pathetic, leave her forgotten.
She smiles, and plays and acts like it's pain but in reality
This is just a game and none of them matter anyway.
That belt is still working in her brain, still going as she finds who she is
While throwing away who she was.
Her eyes are dull, her fingers small and stumplike,
Her body long with fatty patches that put it out of proportion.
Or is the mirror playing tricks?
Her hair is falling out, becomes thinner every day.
Her face is flattened with cheekbones that struggle to be pronounced.
Her knees hurt.
Her chin is still drowning in the skin connecting it to her neck.
Oh, what she would give to one day make these things perfect.
Her head is bent forward on it's hinges,
Heavy with ideas and strivings to be perfect.


But, she can't even feel her heart beating.




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Mon May 30, 2011 3:51 pm
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TwistedMuffins says...



Hey Vapor :)

I sense darkness and sadness, the same harsh kind I've gone through. But, don't worry. Time heals pains. Time changes a person. Time strenghtens you for the worse. All I can say is I hope that everything that is happening to you go, and may you be happy and joyful once again :)

Now, when it comes to poetry, there is a limit to my knowledge in it. All I do know is:

It should go in paragraphs,
Each paragraph should have four sentences,
Three sometimes,
But actually it should be four.

Then, there should be a ryhming pattern. Like:

A
B
B
A

or

A
A
A
A

or something like that. To explain more clearly, lets try a paragraph from your peom itself.


Breifly became a passion,
Entirely an obsession.
Became the dead repetitive action.
Her head is a conveyor belt, ever in motion.


You see the flow? Look at the last words :


Breifly became a passion, (passION - A )
Entirely an obsession. (obsessION -A )
Became the dead repetitive action. (actION - A)
Her head is a conveyor belt, ever in motion. (motION - A)

They all end with "ION" making it a pattern.


If it went something like this:

"It started out as a vain aspiration
Moved to a display of her true colors
Breifly became a passion,
Everthing being in blurs."

(okay, not the best example, but I guess it should do.)

The pattern would be :

It started out as a vain aspiration -A
Moved to a display of her true colors -B
Breifly became a passion, -A
Everthing being in blurs. -B

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope this helps in the formation! :)
Its a nice "poem", just a little rough in the middle.

:D Good luck and I hope all goes well for you! :)

-Natasha AKA Justtrying
If I were to have a super power, it would be to time-travel, so that I could turn back time, and erase your very existence.




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Mon May 30, 2011 9:07 pm
HessicaJolt says...



I really like this. I'm thinking and what popped into my mind was someone trying to be skinny, and its killing her inside. Like agh, I can't think of the disease, but I know it starts with a B. Its just what popped into my head, sort of like she is killing herself trying to be "perfect". I like it.
Hess<3




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Tue May 31, 2011 12:04 am
Vapor says...



Thank you so much for the feedback guys!
Justtrying, thanks for the input on structure! I should be shooting for that kind of thing...
HessicaJolt, that's exactly what the poem is about. The disease is called Anorexia. There's also Bulimia, but in this case I'm meaning Anorexia, because it's that's the disorder I'm pretty up close and personal with I guess you could say. Recovery is intense, but a lot of the worst of storms have passed. I've learned one thing, never settle yourself for perfect, because it sucks trying to be something that doesn't exist.




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Tue May 31, 2011 12:14 am
Snoink says...



Hi Vapor!

Well, my first suggestion is to use a spell check. ;) You misspelled "briefly"! :o

Hm, so this is a disease about eating disorders? Eek. I didn't see that in the first read (second reading for me!), but I did notice the last line and I kind of shuddered... I guess I should have gotten the anorexia bit because I knew someone whose heart almost failed because of that awful disease. I suppose that may have happened with you? By the way, I am so glad you feel better and have recovered! *snugs*

Anyway, with this poem... you have a lot of hidden psychology things which are nods to people who have experienced anorexia (like, for instance, the body position, and how anorexic people would often contort their body in ways to make them look fatter than they are) that aren't immediately noticeable to people who haven't experienced it. So, just because this is a topic that I think you should let people know about (hey, activism and awareness in this area is an awesome thing!) I think you should give your more obvious clues up front and then lead the reader into more subtle clues, like that body position thing. That way, it can give a down-the-rabbit hole sort of feeling as you read it, plus it would be really upfront about the subject without giving everything away in the beginning.

Anyway, nice poem! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Tue May 31, 2011 12:19 am
Vapor says...



Haha, Snoink, my spelling is pretty consistent till you throw the "ie"s at me. I'm a total loss when it comes to remembering which word should have an "i" before "e" or the other way around in rare cases.
Yes, there are a lot of subtle clues. I was very subtle about it because I didn't want my teacher to have a flat out "I have an eating disorder" statement on paper. I was a little hesitant about letting her in on that. In the end, she totally understood anyway...but...
Anyhow, thank you so much for reading it! And thanks for the encouragement!




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Tue May 31, 2011 12:31 am
Snoink says...



Haha! I knoooow. I heard the whole "i after e except after c bit" but I am a scientist (really, I am graduating with a scientific-sounding degree very soon!) so I get confused too! But, that's why spell-check is our friend. ;)

Adults have a wonderful habit of understanding things that need to be understood. And the best adults are the ones that help you through those things and help you understand it on a deeper level. :D That's the only way we get through life, really. :)

And yeah... subtlety is key! But, in your case I think that you were a bit too subtle, lol. So, a little bit of obviousness at the beginning might be good! Especially since you're so intimate with that disease, having suffered through it, what is subtle for you could be totally read over by somebody else! Which isn't good. So, just be aware of that. ;)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Tue May 31, 2011 7:16 pm
KatTrain says...



First of all, do not fret about the way you've structured your poem! This is called freestyle poetry, meaning that you can format it however you like. There are, however certain tools in poetry to aid your poem and make it easier to read. I'll suggest a few tweaks in the critique. Remember, poetry does NOT mean/need rhyming! My favorite poems don't rhyme.

It started out as a vain aspiration, comma
Moved to a display of her true colors
Breifly became a passion,
Entirely an obsession., comma instead
Became the dead repetitive action. These short lines are very intriguing
Her head is a conveyor belt, ever in motion.
Through empty eyes she watches the world but behind those sold irises the belt is still flying,
though everyone finds her sleepy.
Her body is weak. comma instead, and 'weak' is a weak adjective, try another, more powerful one
She doesn't remember like she used to.comma instead
The belt doesn't function so cleanly.
Her smile is broken, completely fractured in pieces that grow smaller every day.
She's tired because whenever she puts forth effort she only falls flatter than the first time. comma instead
Her failure has finally idled her, her peers don't comply. thi sand the line above it really speak to me
They scorn her quietly, call her pathetic, leave her forgotten. this line doesn't have a very good 'flow', try connecting these statements into a cohesive thought.
She smiles, and plays and acts like it's pain but in reality
This is just a game and none of them matter anyway. great
That belt is still working in her brain, still going as she finds who she is, comma
While throwing away who she was.
Her eyes are dull, her fingers small and stump-like,
Her body long with fatty patches that put it out of proportion. comma
Or is the mirror playing tricks?
Her hair is falling out, becomesing thinner every day. comma
Her face is flattened with cheekbones that struggle to be pronounced and-.
Her knees hurt.
Herchin is still drowning in the skin connecting it to her neck. comma instead
Oh, what she would give to one day make these things perfect.
Her head is bent forward on it's hinges,
Heavy with ideas and strivings to be perfect. Beautiful ending. I love is so, so much. Great job.
*Likes* You've a lovely writer and I'd love to see more from you!
-KatTrain
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....




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Mon Aug 22, 2011 7:16 pm
SunnyHeart27 says...



Hey, this reminded me more of a song than a poem actually, because it was so emotive. You used language to create a really malleable atmosphere of sadness, I adored it :D It really gets at the heart strings. I liked the way you used the conveyor belt as an image and a metaphor, it was really, really effective.

This is sentence:
They scorn her quiet, call her pathetic, leave her forgotten.

I really liked it, because it was like 123, 123, 123. But there was lots of barely noticeable repetition that's reminiscent of the best poetry :) Like calling the eyes empty, and then dull. Both similar adjectives, reinforcing the image.

Overall, I really enjoyed this, it's a great poem or song, whatever you want it to be, really :) I think the first reviewer gave great advice on structure so I can't really add to that, overall, just fantastic and interesting to read ^_^







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