Young Writers Society

Ocean Obscure

Ignorance is the black water
with which two/thirds of the world is saturated.
Ignorance is the black water
With which two/thirds of the body is created.

In our blackened blood and the inky flood
we must seek true-flesh and terra-firma.

On the shore of the Ocean Obscure
many of the human race
Congregate at a slovenly pace
and romp in their unknowing mores.

The willfully mindless
leap cheerfully
into the churning blindness.

Shifty cities are laid by shiftless hands
on shifting sands
and are sunk and mowed
, shanty and chateaux,
by simplicity’s deluge
not far from truthful land.

Hello! I am Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today!
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.

Monument Soul wrote:Ocean Obscure

Ignorance is the black water
withwithin which two/thirds of the world is saturated.
Ignorance is the black water
With whichwithin two/thirds of the body iswas created.

In our blackened blood and the inky flood the inky flood and our blackened blood - I would switch around those two lines so that it wold better flow into the next verse. It just seems to make more sense that way...
we must seek true-flesh and terra-firma.

*On the shore of the Ocean Obscure
many of the human race
Congregate at a slovenly pace
and romp in their unknowing mores.

not too strong of a stanza, but not terrible.

The willfully mindless
leap cheerfully
into the churning blindness.

Shifty cities are laid by shiftless hands
on shifting sands
and are sunken and mowed
*,shanty andchateaux- not needed, doesn't do anything from the poem. And your spelling implies that you intend it to mean somehting along the lines of a French castle or country house..doesn't add up..,
by simplicity’s deluge
not far from truthful land.
* Could be cut out, helps the poem flow better and make more sense.

Overall: This is a nice poem.I love the creativity and sense you have here, but sometimes the repetition and excessive use of adjectives can be overwhelming to the reader. Try to keep it short and interesting.
Only in a few areas do you break in tense ( as in -ed or '-ing) consistency), but other than that, this was a nice poem!

Keep writing!
-----------------------
-Jojo

Monument Soul wrote:Ocean Obscure

Ignorance is the black water
with which two/thirds of the world is saturated.
Ignorance is the black water
With which two/thirds of the body is created.

In our blackened blood and the inky flood I like the internal rhyme here
we must seek true-flesh and terra-firma.

On the shore of the Ocean Obscure
many of the human race
congregate at a slovenly pace
and romp in their unknowing mores.

The willfully mindless
leap cheerfully
into the churning blindness.

Shifty cities are laid by shiftless hands
on shifting sands
and are sunk and mowed,
shanty and chateaux,
by simplicity’s deluge
not far from truthful land.

This is pretty good, I like all the little play on words you have in there. It makes me think of August Burns Red, or Abandon All Ships, two bands who like to incorporate obscure water into their songs. Nice piece! I don't have much comment, it's great
Keep on writing!

-Truth-

Cool piece. Quick review from TheEstimableEelz incoming.

Your idea is good, nothing special - but you make it great with the words you use to back it up in writing. Your second stanza in particular really hooked me in; I was buying your concept and eager for more. Vocabulary use was great, true as can be. Nice job there.

I do think the rhyming past the second stanza (to which point it is not egregious) should go. The speaker is telling his audience of a serious topic, I really don't think he/she would rhyme... but your imagery is suitable, so I would suggest breaking up the lines differently, or expanding if you find suitable alternate endings for them. Just for example's sake...
"The willfully mindless leap
cheerfully into the churning blindness."

The threefold pseudo-repetition with "shift---" in the last stanza is a bit of a stretch. Twice, sure, but thrice makes the speaker seem less talented at speaking, reaching for a lame pun like that more than once. And while I understand your attempt of the comma-isolated line, it feels awkward with the lack of experimental punctuation elsewhere in the piece.

A nice piece, certainly showing potential in itself and the author. Keep writing! =]

Nice poem. It could use a bit of playing with like substituting in different words and messing with the order of your phrases and so forth. I like how you pulled in the facts in the beginning and how you used all the repetition. It definitely made those parts (mainly the first and last stanzas) stand out against the rest. You had a great idea, did it lots of good, and I like the resulting poem.