Young Writers Society

The night was silent, except for the beat of his heart.
Everyone knows you shouldn't walk alone in the dark.
He quickened his pace in fear.
But it was too late,
I was already near.
I jumped on his back like he was a deer.
And suddenly, he screamed and withered in fear.
Sweat trickled down his face like rain.
And his tears ran from his eyes in pain.
My fangs extended slowly as his neck came near.
And I bit down without a single fear.
Blood shot into my mouth like a running river.
His temperature dropped and I felt him shiver.
He slowly closed his eyes,
as I began to watch him die.
Slowly his soul left this place.
And ran to the heavens in a race.

Wow, very dark and very expressive for such a short piece! Bravo! The rhyming did not seem forced, very natural and easy to read, however, you have quite a lot of repetitious words:

Shyblueishflower wrote:The night was silent, except for the beat of his heart.
Everyone knows you shouldn't walk alone in the dark.
He quickened his pace in fear.
But it was too late,
I was already near.
I jumped on his back like he was a deer.
And suddenly, he screamed and withered in fear.
Sweat trickled down his face like rain.
And his tears ran from his eyes in pain.
My fangs extended slowly as his neck came near.
And I bit down without a single fear.
Blood shot into my mouth like a running river.
His temperature dropped and I felt him shiver.
He slowly closed his eyes,
as I began to watch him die.
Slowly his soul left this place.
And ran to the heavens in a race.

Those words I pointed out were my main concern, as well as the formatting. You should divide it into stanzas so it is easier to read, and looks better. There was also punctuation at the end of every line, which is OK, but for me it kinda broke it up and made it more abrupt, which can be a good thing...either way. Overall, this was a very powerful poem. Simply written, yet very well expressed.

Its okay =/ I liked your word structure however I think it would've been better if you hadn't rhymed other then that I like it

The night was silent, except for the beat of his heart.
Everyone knows you shouldn't walk alone in the dark.
He quickened his pace in fear. I like this line
But it was too late, a semicolin would be better here.
I was already near.
I jumped on his back like he was a deer. Uhm...do people ride deer?
And suddenly, he screamed and withered in fear.
Sweat trickled down his face like rain. Great simile
And his tears ran from his eyes in pain.
My fangs extended slowly as his neck came near.
And I bit down without a single fear.
Blood shot into my mouth like a running river.
His temperature dropped and I felt him shiver.
He slowly closed his eyes,
as I began to watch him die.
Slowly his soul left this place.
And ran to the heavens in a race.

Good job with the rhyming! Everything worked out. The structure is pretty cool, I think. Not sure about the deer part...but if it works for you, then great, keep it! Great job with this! Keep up the good work!

Hello Shyblueishflower,

Like the previous reviews have mentioned. Breaking it up into stanzas would be great: it makes it easier to read. Now that's out of the way, I can comment on how brilliant your rhyming was. You made it rhyme while keeping the flow, that's very good. iI also like the story you told through the poem. In fact, you could probably expand on it if you want to.

That's all, nothing bad to critique on. Well done on the poem!

I really liked this poem, and I was hooked from the beginning. I loved how it was about vampires, and I honestly had no idea until you mentioned "fangs". I think that there should be stanzas, but that is really it. I liked it over all, and it was very good work.

The night was silent, except for the beat of his heart.
Everyone knows you shouldn't walk alone in the dark.
He quickened his pace in fear.
But it was too late,I would have put a semicolin here
I was already near.
I jumped on his back like he was a deer.
And suddenly, he screamed and withered in fear.
Sweat trickled down his face like rain.
And his tears ran from his eyes in pain.
My fangs extended slowly as his neck came near.
And I bit down without a single fear.
Blood shot into my mouth like a running river.
His temperature dropped and I felt him shiver.
He slowly closed his eyes,as I began to watch him die.
Slowly his soul left this place. I would have made this a comma
And ran to the heavens in a race.

I loved the last line and the beginning was great, and I honestly wouldn't change to many things. It is great, and I really enjoyed reading it!

So, the whole idea of this is has potential, and I overall like it, but the rhymes seems a little too forced.

Rhymes can often make a poem flow better, but with them comes work and deep thought. You need to have a steady rhythm, and the poem still has to make sense. The poem as a whole is what matters, and when you force rhymes, it distracts the readers attention and looks very silly. Also, wee need more detailed imagery, and a stronger purpose. When you write something, don't you want somebody to remember it? or at least think about it afterwards? You need to let your creativity explode!

Shyblueishflower wrote:The night was silent, except for the beat of his heart.
Everyone knows you shouldn't walk alone in the dark.
He quickened his pace in fear.
But it was too late,
I was already near. The rhythm here is a little choppy.
I jumped on his back like he was a deer. This isn't a very good comparison... at all. I don't know anybody who rides deers. Try to think of something a little more reasonable.
And suddenly, he screamed and withered in fear. This would be better without 'And suddenly'.
Sweat trickled down his face like rain.
And tears ran from his eyes in pain.
My fangs extended slowly as his neck came near. When you went back to the 'ear' rhymes, I got completely distracted from the poem.
And I bit down without a single fear.
Blood shot into my mouth like a running river.
His temperature dropped and I felt him shiver.
He slowly closed his eyes,
as I began to watch him die.
Slowly his soul left this place.
And ran to the heavens in a race.

You defiantly aren't a bad writer, but if you want to rhyme, don't take away the purpose of the poem. I didn't really feel any emotions surging through me when I read this. I'd expect fear, or maybe even anxiety from the monster. This needs to be more captivating and crisp!

But overall, very nice. Keep writing!

ash