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Young Writers Society


Anthoner Part of Life



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Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:21 am
piepiemann22 says...



This is chapter to a memoir I have to right for school. I thought I'd post it here, get some feedback, and you guys could learn a bit more about me.

I remember everything clearly. The events of that day and the way a felt when it happened. After, I told myself nothing was wrong and I just kept on walking, when in my heart I knew the truth. Death is a part of life, but it was nothing like I expected.
I never really new him, my grandfather. He had had Alzheimer’s for as long as I could remember. I can remember my relatives talk about him. They would say things like he was always hardworking and on his feet moving to the next topic and I was proud of that, but, how could I. I didn’t even know him.
He died September 19, 2004, one day after my twelfth birthday. That is one reason why I will never forget that day. At the time I was just old enough to understand what was going on, what had happened. I remember the way my mother put it, “Anthony honey, your grandfather’s dead.” What was I supposed to think. I didn’t even know the guy.
I have always wondered if he tried to tell me something before his death. For years it’s rattled inside my brain. The last time I saw him I was allowed to be alone with him. He raised his hand at starred at me. For a moment I just stood there, but soon took it in my own. He mumbled something and then closed his eyes going to sleep. What did he say? Happy birthday, a warning, goodbye?
I remember the funeral being long and boring. I felt it dragged on and a lot of it was pointless. I thought those who cared should just pay their respects and it be over. Still, I felt I had a duty to stay there, for my family, so I did. It’s sad really, the way family will get together after years of not seeing each other just for a funeral. They meet again because of death.
At the time I found the whole thing to be quite odd. Many placed flowers, paid their respects, and had their heads bowed in prayer, but no one ever cried. I thought that to be the strangest thing. It was supposed to be a time of sadness, but no one shed a tear. Why? Wasn’t there supposed to be crying? People wallowing in grief and falling from despair. That’s what I thought, but I was wrong. Instead everyone stayed silent. What was death to them?
Shouldn’t I have cried? I had lost someone dear to me and yet I just stood there, not saying a word. I don’t even think I was there for him at the time. No, I was there for the ones I truly loved. Those who would truly miss him, I was there for them. For those reasons I was there, but was that the truth?
I’ve looked back at those moments and I’ve asked why? Who was he to me? Why didn’t I cry or feel sad about what I lost? It’s because I didn’t lose anyone. I’ve come to believe that if you remember someone, and never forget who they were, they will continue to live on through you. I know now what my grandfather had said. He told me to remember and to never forget him. I promise to never lose sight and keep you in my heart. I promise.
I will always fight back, no matter what.
  





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Thu Sep 18, 2008 12:46 am
Angel of Death says...



I am here as promised.

The events of that day and the way a felt when it happened.

After way there should be an 'I'

After, I told myself nothing was wrong and I just kept on walking, when in my heart I knew the truth.

This could be rewritten. Try " After I told myself nothing was wrong, I just kept moving on. When in my heart, I knew the truth.

Death is a part of life, but it was nothing like I expected.

Great line!

I never really new him, my grandfather.

I never really 'knew' him.

He had had Alzheimer’s for as long as I could remember. I can remember my relatives talk about him.

The repetition of the word remember is bothering me. Try rewording both sentences or merging them together. For example: Even though he had Alzheimer's for as long I could remember, my relatives would speak of him differently. As if he weren't a victim of a horrible disease.
They would say things like he was always hardworking and on his feet moving to the next topic and I was proud of that, but, how could I. I didn’t even know him.

You start off nicely with this sentence but it fizzles at the end. Try: They would say things like he was always hardworking and on his feet. This was something that anyone or even I could be proud of. But how could I be? I didn't even know him.
He died September 19, 2004, one day after my twelfth birthday. That is one reason why I will never forget that day. At the time I was just old enough to understand what was going on, what had happened.

Great couple of sentences there!

I remember the way my mother put it, “Anthony honey, your grandfather’s dead.” What was I supposed to think. I didn’t even know the guy.

You mention that you didn't know your grandfather before and I know that sometimes people repeat themselves to farther emphasize their feelings but here its not necessary. Instead try to use your lovely poetic mind to describe how blank your mind was when you got this information. Explore with words.

He raised his hand at starred at me.

The first at should be an 'and'

For a moment I just stood there, but soon took it in my own. He mumbled something and then closed his eyes going to sleep. What did he say? Happy birthday, a warning, goodbye?

I'm not sure whether memoirs use descriptions but it would be nice if you utilized his expressions to paint the moment better. Talk about the room, give a feel to the setting.
I remember the funeral being long and boring. I felt it dragged on and a lot of it was pointless. I thought those who cared should just pay their respects and it be over. Still, I felt I had a duty to stay there, for my family, so I did. It’s sad really, the way family will get together after years of not seeing each other just for a funeral. They meet again because of death.

I love this part. Its so true.

I thought that to be the strangest thing.

You should nix this line altogether. It really takes away from the power of this piece.
It was supposed to be a time of sadness, but no one shed a tear. Why? Wasn’t there supposed to be crying? People wallowing in grief and falling from despair. That’s what I thought, but I was wrong. Instead everyone stayed silent. What was death to them?
Shouldn’t I have cried? I had lost someone dear to me and yet I just stood there, not saying a word. I don’t even think I was there for him at the time. No, I was there for the ones I truly loved. Those who would truly miss him, I was there for them. For those reasons I was there, but was that the truth?
I’ve looked back at those moments and I’ve asked why? Who was he to me? Why didn’t I cry or feel sad about what I lost? It’s because I didn’t lose anyone. I’ve come to believe that if you remember someone, and never forget who they were, they will continue to live on through you. I know now what my grandfather had said. He told me to remember and to never forget him. I promise to never lose sight and keep you in my heart. I promise.

You convey a lot of true and great emotions here and I know this is what you felt but it should be stressed out just a little. Take away some of the repetitive sentences add something that flows logically into the last sentence.

Overall Impressions


Tony, I have never read anything from you that wasn't poetry. Really I think this is a great first part to your memoir and it was beautiful. Just pull out the knots and it'll be perfect.

Personal Connection

I never met my grandfathers. One killed himself and the other died of a stroke. So some of the stuff here did kind of make me think. And that's what a memoir does, if not tell about something no one knows about you.

Keep writing and I hope I helped,
-Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.
  





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Thu Sep 25, 2008 1:45 pm
fun4eva says...



Hii!
great job writing this.

This has a really deep meaning.
I can't say much. Just that it was really touching, well written and well expressed.

I didn't find any grammatical mistakes. so yeah, thats pretty much it!

Keep up the good work.

It’s sad really, the way family will get together after years of not seeing each other just for a funeral. They meet again because of death.


I really liked this line..
  








Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl