Lost at Sea

Hey all! So just came up with another poem and stayed up until like one in the morning writing it and then spent the next three days correcting it. This poem, in my opinion, has potential to be really good but it is missing a couple bits and pieces. Which is why I put it on here! so you guys can help me point out what i'm missing. While you are reading this just think about this. What happens do a dream after its been destroyed and forgotten? Where do all those shattered dreams go?



I walk this street alone,
across this broken world I use to own.
A single flickering flame casts
screaming shadows from my past.

My roses so red,
now wilted and dead.
I walk this street alone,
through shattered dreams I used to own.

"Here comes the rain again,
falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
becoming who we are."

Through the sea,
of shattered dreams.
Weeping roses wilt and freeze
in the endless sea of memories.

Faceless shapes scream and wail,
long after their dreams set sail.
Through the colorless sea
of dying memories.

Help me please.
Set me free,
from the endless sea,
of shattered dreams.


TuckEr EllsworTh

The word choice is really precise and great. Beautiful poem. Totally love it.

A single flickering flame casts
screaming shadows from my past.

This is my favourite line. A very meaningful and symbolic imagery. Nice work.

Here comes the rain again,
falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
becoming who we are.

Isn't this from Greenday's Boulevard Of Broken Dreams?

Hi there, my friend, Tuuuuuucker! ^_^

As always, lovely. Although, I have two things to say... Silly stuff. xD

Like for example, listen to me when I say this, Tucker... I's should be uppercase when you use them as pronouns, I think I've told you before. >:C *pretends to be mad* XD Lol. This is part of grammar, make this look neat.

Also, in the first line, you say: "across my broken world i use to own". I don't think the 'my' is necessary because you then say 'I use to own' and that's basically the same thing, and it's not him's now, so... lol. I would replace it for 'this'. Although, I love how you worded it.

Keep writing!

~Val<3

Loved it. Gorgeous. It flowed perfectly, at least to me- I knew because I barely had to "read" it at all. It's like my mind just knew haha.

Anyway, I do agree with Mirasol in that I'm pretty sure one of your stanzas is from Boulevard of Broken Dreams. It seems like that's your inspiration for this work, which is great, but direct plagarism isn't cool, my friend.

Through the sea,
of shattered dreams.
Weeping roses wilt and freeze
in the endless sea of memories.

I don't think you need a comma after the first "sea", and replace the first period with a comma. But this is by far my favorite stanza. Love it. LOVE. IT. Just thought I'd emphasize that for you. The imagery was oh-my-God perfect and gave me a feeling deep in my gut. A good feeling, not indigestion. I understood exactly what you meant when you said this. ^_^ P.S. did I mention I love this stanza?

Help me please,
I'm lost in the sea
of shattered dreams.

I thought this was a pretty abrupt ending. I like the repitition, but like I said, a little too abrupt. Possibly because you were tired since it was about one in the morning? No one can say. It's just my opinion.

I enjoyed this very much. Best poem I've read in a while, actually. Thank you. The imagery, rhythm, etc was all great. An "A" for you, my friend.

Hey everyone thanks so much for your comments! And yes i used a piece from Greenday, except it was "wake me up when september ends" not "boulevard of broken dreams". Although "boulevard of broken dreams" all and all inspired this piece for me. Furthermore, I am soooooo sorry if this came off as plagiarism, that wasn't the aim of my intent on putting this stanza in there. Should i italicize or put that line in quotations next time to avoid confusion?

Oh and thanks so much for pointing out those grammar errors Val, my dyslexia really came into play when i was correcting this piece grammatically lol. So I've fixed those little problems and i took your word for the "across my broken world i use to own". "across this broken world i use to own" sounds so much better. Thank you everyone!




TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey so building off of that, i have made an alternative ending. Please tell me what you guys think!

Hey! I thought this poem was really impressive. I loved how you used repetition with the whole I walk this street alone that was very clever. Your use of symbolism with the sea of lost dreams was used quite well also. To be honest I have read this poem like 6 times and loved it every single time i read it. It was just the right length so the poem didn't drag on and leave me bored by the 3rd stanza. Good job!

I love the song Wake me Up When September Comes XD
Surely it's not plagiarism when you use quotation marks?!
Lol, I loved it anyway and I think the endings great, the one critique I have is I think it should be "used to own" instead of "use to own"

Other than that I loved it, great theme. I know this is quite and old post but I was just snooping through your portfolio after reading Silver Bells (which I loved) and this one caught my eye