The UnBible: The Old Testament: The Book of Gensis

The Burning Nest: Lot’s Story-Part 1

Crap. That was my home. Even if it was a bunch of weird creeps. Still. That was my house. Now where the hell are we gonna live? Oh, hey. Didn’t see you there. Yeah...this looks bad, I know. You see that raining fire and black sulphur cloud in the distance, all that smoke?...That was my house. You see that pillar of salt?...that was my wife. What happened? Well...isn’t it obvious? Someone pissed God off. Okay, I guess I should start from the beginning.

So there I was, with wife and daughters. Yeah those two over there. We also had two guests, they were travelers I guess or whatever. Anyway, the men of the town came knocking on my door. Mind you it is like almost nine o’clock at night. So, naturally, I ask what them what they wanted. See I don’t know about you, but I really don’t talk to my neighbors or anything. I am not a very social person. That’s my wife.

So ask them and guess what they say?....No. You are way off. They wanted to have sex with them....I know!! How gross is that? I mean these poor men, they were just sitting there, trying to eat and these guys come at them with that foolishness. Just nasty. Anyway, I said no and to go the hell away. They got mad and started barging into my house, like they lived there. By then, I was just mad. Ya know? They was trying to come up in my house and I was like, “I own everything up in this piece. Back up!” Unfortunately, the mob was getting too large for just my family and our house. They swarmed into it like a bunch of bees, a swarm of angry hornets zoning in for the kill. Scary right?

How did we get out alive? Well you know the guys we were harboring? It just so happens that they were angels. Real angels, sent by God. Luckily, they blinded the men with their angel powers, helping us to pack a few things and get the heck out of dodge. What?...Okay so maybe I didn’t leave at first. Yeah, I was hesitant. That was my home. All I knew. All of my blood, sweat, and tears were put into that place....Haha. Yeah. You are right. The fear of dying overrode that.

Continuing with my story, the angels got us as far as the edge of the town. Beyond the town was a huge barren plain. Nothing for miles. They let us go and told us to start running. With fear in our eyes and worry in our hearts, the angels turned to us, telling us whatever we do DO NOT look back or we would be turned into a pillar of salt. We start running, we could hear the screams and smell the sulphur and feel the fire on our backs. But we still didn’t look back or so I thought.

“Whatever you don’t look back.” Simple right? Easy enough to follow. Now my wife, I loved her and she was the best wife a man could ever have, but she is just...I don’t even have a word. What does this heifer do? Look back. Like really? They said not to look back and she looks back. I know, people just don’t know how to follow directions anymore. So what happened to her? She turned into a pillar of salt in an instant. What else? That’s what he said would happen and it did.

Which brings me to here, that is why I am standing on this rock.

Hey there sis!!! Glad to see a new update!!! Anyways in the first paragraph in the sentence "You that pillar of salt....that's my wife? You left you the word See! XD Anyways that's all I could find on my detailed scan of this wonderful short story. Now I'm going to say THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it and I can't wait for more mi hermana!!! Buenas Suerte!!! Adios y te amo! *hopes I said that right* Anyways I liked the spin you have on the Bible, which I really don't understand so its a good thing to read!!! Keep up the good work and Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3

Haha. Te amo tambien y siempre mi hermanita!!! You said it right And thank you, it means so much my little fortune cookie XD

Ahh yes! YOU DID IT!

I'm so happy with this. I can't tell you how fun this is to read. It's so fresh. It's just like your first one.

Lot is so humorous in this. I just love his additude. He just seems so annoyed with everything at first... and then it's a "You know, I don't really care anymore" additude. Oh man, I just thought this was so funny. I really quite like this.



Man, this was just so good. I can't say that enough.

WRITE MORE SOON!!!

H.

Yay!!!! I"m a fortune cookie!!!!! giggles that means someones going to eat me!!!!???? NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I don't wanna be eaten T.T Still love the story sister!!!! hugs*

Hayden-Thanks so much for the idea. I'm glad you like it.
Fortune Cookie XD- No one is going to eat you except me Kidding.

Noooou If ANYONE is gonna eat moi its Alicy!!!! Mwahaha anyways love the story and I need help sis T.T Am on Google Docs

Okay so I liked the idea of this tory, but it needs to be re read and some editing. I seen a couple of placed you doubled words, and you actually forgot a word or two. Also some punctual errors, but everybody makes them. Let me know when you clean it up so i can check it out in further detail. Check out my novel Flight 764 sometime, and keep up the good work. Cheers.

Alright, here's a few specific comments to start us off:

Crap. That was my home. Even if it was a bunch of weird creeps. Still. That was my house. [This would be a good place to use repetition; it would be more effective to say home agaiin instead.] Now where the hell are we gonna live? Oh, hey. Didn’t see you there. Yeah...this looks bad, I know. You see that raining fire and black sulphur cloud in the distance, all that smoke?... [No ellipsis here. You should only use them when they're really needed and effective or they just get annoying.]That was my house. [Again, home. Repetition is your friend when you want to show emotions such as panic or high stress or regret or fear.] You see that pillar of salt?... [No ellipsis.] that was my wife. What happened? Well... [Comma instead would be bettr here.] isn’t it obvious? Someone pissed God off. Okay, I guess I should start from the beginning.

[Be careful not to make this too casual. It can be funny while still alowing your character to have some serious emotion.]

So ask them and guess what they say?.... [Ellipsis should always be three dots and you don't want one here. Tell you what, unless I say otherwise, you can take it as a given that I don't like your use of the ellipsis.] No. You are way off. They wanted to have sex with them.... [Should be three dots but this one's an acceptable use of it.] I know!! [One exclamation mark is suffice.] How gross is that? I mean these poor men, they were just sitting there, trying to eat and these guys come at them with that foolishness. Just nasty. Anyway, I said no and to go the hell away. They got mad and started barging into my house, like they lived there. By then, I was just mad. Ya know? They was trying to come up in my house and I was like, “I own everything up in this piece. Back up!” Unfortunately, the mob was getting too large for just my family and our house. They swarmed into it like a bunch of bees, a swarm of angry hornets zoning in for the kill. Scary right?

“Whatever you don’t look back.” Simple right? Easy enough to follow. Now my wife, I loved her and she was the best wife a man could ever have, but she is just... [This one is acceptable.] I don’t even have a word. What does this heifer do? Look back. Like really? They said not to look back and she looks back. I know, people just don’t know how to follow directions anymore. So what happened to her? She turned into a pillar of salt in an instant. What else? That’s what he said would happen and it did.

Alright then, interesting idea and I like it but I think you need to work on your writing style a little. I can see that you were purposefully aiming for that casual, moderness so that it's in strong contrast to how the bible is written, but it needs to be toned down. At the moment this is mildly funny but as soon as I'm done here, I'm going to forget it. Why? Because there was no depth. You took a good idea, but this is what I'd call a spoof rather than a story. To make it to story level, it needs to be more dramatic, it needs characterisation, it needs literary techniqus (such as the repetiton) and it needs descriptions. If you could manage all that then I think you'd have a strong piece because the plot line is good and the sequence of events works rather well. It just needs to be written better. I mean, as it stands the characters have no depth so I don't care what happens to them and while I'm mildly amused by his story, I don't like him or feel bad for him or really have any opinion.

Hopefully that helps a little, feel free to pm me with questions and I might check out some of the other pieces later,

Heather xxx

I think you meant "The Book of Genesis", not "Gensis". Also, "The UnBible" makes me think of something that cloaked Satanists chant out of while sacrificing ten thousand virgins to the Blood God. Finally, why so many colons? Such an overuse of colons make it sound like William Shatner is saying it.

I know that starting out your story with the word "crap" was probably intended as a stylistic twist, but it kind of sets the tone, so I really wouldn't do that. Your title and your first sentence are the two chief ways of drawing your reader in. What kind of impression did you intend to make on the reader with that? The impression I got was "this work will throw around mild curses just for the sake of cursing, so I shouldn't count on too much maturity."

Kitty nailed it when she said that you need to work on your style a bit. Your style, as it is, is conversational to the point of being difficult to read. It's hard to make out what your characters are saying, what's going on, and generally what you're trying to tell us.

Which brings me to my next point. What are you hoping to accomplish with this piece? The Bible is a large document in every meaning. Interpretations are being written all the time, but they usually have a purpose; that is, to reveal some subtext otherwise often missed in the Biblical verses, or to make it more accessible. I do not see any great revelation in your work, nor does it seem more accessible - again, the odd pace and the unusual style make it difficult to make out what's going on. Are you writing an interpretation of the Bible just for the sake of writing something?

At the end of the day, my suggestions: work on your vocabulary and sentence structure, and add something new. Don't just re-tell the Bible word by word as a teenager would. Sprinkle some originality over an old work, and you just might come out with something enjoyable.

Your salt pillar,
cC

hey i love this (: keep em coming hun ! you totally rock when it comes to writinggg. don't forget about your other stoiriess (: i rly like Family Fueddd

Thanks. Haha. And okay.