Truth or Fear?

Comment and review away! Hack it up!

Do I run from the truth, or stop and face my fears? Truth or fear, it's a lot like life or death.
As I thought this, my side exploded in pain as I ran from the darkness that was following me. I was on the soccer team, yet why was I so slow now? This darkness had told me I was a demon. I was running from the truth. That was my first step into the world of demons. To tell you the truth, I didn't think being a demon would be so bad, until this thing told me how much I'd change. I didn't like change, no matter how small.
"You can never run from the truth, child! It shall find you, and take you with it!" I heard its scratchy voice call.
I am an average teen. Well, I was until it showed up. As all the things that I could have been doing ran through my head, I immediately stopped, and turned around. I only had to wait a few seconds before the darkness caught up to me. I was facing my fears, probably for the first time. It had a look of confusion on its...face, wherever it was.
"Darkness, I have decided. I shall go with you to become a true demon." I said, wincing in pain. The darkness smiled, and turned itself into a gate.
"All you have to do is walk through, and your trial shall be done." It said.

I walked through and screamed at the pain that had engulfed my body. I was burning.
"This is how you shall die, foolish mortal. Facing your fears." I heard someone say, although just barely.
I felt my body drop, and I guess that was it for me. I could feel my life slipping away as I closed my eyes and said goodbye.
"Thank you for letting me redeem myself." I whispered, barely audible, and died.

I think this was very well written and entertaining. Though I don't exactly understand what's going on. Why did she have to change? And what happened that forced her to change into a demon?
I liked how dark and almost eerie this was. Good job
I can't even come up with something that clever ^_^"

Because she was chosen, I guess. She is trying to run away from the truth at first, and decides to face her fears after she realizes it isn't worth it. And I thank you for your response.

Hm, I like this! Since its short, I'm going to try to be super thorough and helpful (and hack it up, as you ordered haha). Hopefully, it works!

Do I run from the truth, or stop and face my fears? Truth or fear, it's a lot like life or death.

Just had to say I love this line.

As I thought this, my side exploded in pain as I ran from the darkness that was following me. I was on the soccer team, yet why was I so slow now? This darkness had told me I was a demon. I was running from the truth. That was my first step into the world of demons. To tell you the truth, I didn't think being a demon would be so bad, until this thing told me how much I'd change. I didn't like change, no matter how small.

This isn't bad, but I do find it mildly confusing. Was running what you meant to be her first step into the world of demons? I think you should explain that more, make it clear what her first step is, maybe some of the changes to give us an idea of why she went from thinking it might be alright to completely fearing it and running away?

"You can never run from the truth, child! It shall find you, and take you with it!" I heard its scratchy voice call.

I don't know, from the previous paragraph...it doesn't seem like she's running from the truth, you know? It seems like she's running from change because it said that she didn't think being a demon would be bad. I think perhaps that should be changed for this to have more effect. If she was terrified of the truth and running from it, I don't think she'd like the idea of it at all.

I am an average teen. Well, I was until it showed up. As all the things that I could have been doing ran through my head, I immediately stopped, and turned around. I only had to wait a few seconds before the darkness caught up to me. I was facing my fears, probably for the first time. It had a look of confusion on its...face, wherever it was.

What could she have been doing? I don't really get that. It seems like fluff and does nothing to tell the reader why she decided to stop and face the darkness. I'd give us more of a reason. Tell us why she suddenly decided, "Hey, I can take this."

"Darkness, I have decided. I shall go with you to become a true demon." I said, wincing in pain. The darkness smiled, and turned itself into a gate.

Why did she wince when she said it? Plus, she just told it she is going to become a demon, something she said would change her in many ways. I'd add some more emotion to really make the reader feel the effect again.

"All you have to do is walk through, and your trial shall be done." It said.

I walked through and screamed at the pain that had engulfed my body. I was burning.

"This is how you shall die, foolish mortal. Facing your fears." I heard someone say, although just barely.

I felt my body drop, and I guess that was it for me. I could feel my life slipping away as I closed my eyes and said goodbye.

"Thank you for letting me redeem myself." I whispered, barely audible, and died.

This whole clump is interesting, and makes me ask a lot of questions. Trial? What trial? Someone? What someone? The darkness? Or another being? Maybe you wanted it to be questions, and that's not a bad thing.

Overall, like I said, I really like this! The one thing I would really recommend (which I think all of the above points to) is to really make the readers feel emotion. Especially at the end, I think having more emotion that touched the readers would make this awesome. Build the emotion from the beginning and really pound it in at the end. Nice job!

It all makes sense to me, but for you, I guess it does not. So, I shall explain! My favorite thing to do.

Ok, for the running from the truth thing, she knew it was true, and she was afraid of changing. When she runs from the truth, her first step is when she starts realizing that running form the darkness isn't worth it. Her hatred of change is what changed her mind so quickly. She could have been sleeping, or practicing soccer skills, or shopping, I don't know. What do average teens do in their free time? She stopped because she realized running isn't worth her time. She might as well become a demon instead of run from the inevitable. She winced because I mentioned earlier on that her side hurt from running for so long.
Changes of becoming a demon:
She could no longer play soccer.
She couldn't meet with her friends.
She would have to get used to a new life.
Lots of other changes I can't think of at this moment.

...I seem rude, don't I? Oh boy. I don't mean to.

Not rude, but see...it of course makes sense to you. You are the writer, the one who developed this story. Therefore you know her. You know her past, her feelings, her everything. I am the reader, the one who wants to know the story. Therefore, I don't know her but am eager to learn. I shouldn't have to have an explanation from the author to fill me in, or its missing something.

I can't read a book, then go dial up the author and say, "Hey, so what was happening here?" I doubt I'd be able to reach Shakespeare to ask him why Macbeth could never be satisfied with what he had. So instead, Shakespeare told me about Macbeth in the play and made me understand him (not sure what you read in your spare time, so figured I'd use a Shakespearean piece since he's well know).

I don't know if that makes sense. I wasn't looking for an explanation directly from you, I was simply saying it would improve the piece to do so in the story.

I really liked it, but the way he/she just gave up puzzles me. If I had been shown a little more about the caracter i guess it would have been a lot more clear. But I loved the descriptive writing

This was actually interesting to read. Although a bit too short for me to review, I shall do my very best! ^w^

-Your imagery was very good here. I could clearly see what's happening with the character and actually feel myself being in her position, as though I'm actually there and falling with her. Good job.

-Everything felt too...rushed. It's like she's jumping from one thought to another at a quick speed, so for me the pacing of the story felt off. Pacing's important if you don't want your readers to get confused. Then again, that's just moi.

That's it though. Looking forward to reading more about this though. ^^

This was actually interesting to read. Although a bit too short for me to review, I shall do my very best! ^w^

-Your imagery was very good here. I could clearly see what's happening with the character and actually feel myself being in her position, as though I'm actually there and falling with her. Good job.

-Everything felt too...rushed. It's like she's jumping from one thought to another at a quick speed, so for me the pacing of the story felt off. Pacing's important if you don't want your readers to get confused. Then again, that's just moi.

That's it though. Looking forward to reading more about this though. ^^

O.K., I really do not like this one. I am going to do quite a few edits on here in order to attempt to improve it. I agree though, I rushed it a lot, and it, to me, made no sense.