Alaina's File

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Alaina felt nervous as she walked toward Stephan Rolenz’s office, she knew that this man wasn’t one to cross. All she needed was to convince Stephan to answer a few questions, but it wasn’t that simple. These questions could expose Alaina’s mission. Glass walls, ceiling, and floor, gave the impression that one was walking on air. The hallway was one of many in Glass City, stretching between Rolenz Academy and the Laboratory of Dr. Silinstra. The view from the hallway was spectacular. Glass City stretched for miles around Central Center. Central Center was made up of six huge glass skyscrapers, connected by hundreds of glass hallways.
Turning a corner in the hall, she stepped into the Academy building. Looking down the hall in which she now stood, she saw a door with Stephan Rolenz: Head of Administration written across it in gold lettering. This was it. Knocking on the door, she listened to the first human voice she had heard in months,
“Come in” Turning the brass knob, she stepped into a wood box. The office had wooden walls, wooden floors, wooden chairs, a wooden desk and tables, a wooden ceiling; even the ceiling fan was wooden. There was a wood based lamp on each of the two tables at the back of the office, and the entire back wall was a huge, glass window with a view even better than that from the hallway. Glass City glowed like a multicolored flame, flickering on and off as people awoke, and went to sleep. Night and Day no longer affected people, everyone had their own schedule, and never did two people have the same schedules unless they were part of the same close family. She could clearly see a woman tucking her son into bed in an apartment two buildings over; while in the apartment above a man stretched as he awoke.
Turning back to the office, she looked at the desk, which was barely visible under piles of paperwork, jumbles of pens (all wooden) and folders labeled in neat, flowing handwriting. Stephan Rolenz sat in the wooden chair, staring intently with his black-brown eyes at a sheet of paper that read Privacy Policy across the top, no doubt taking in every iota of information before he signed.
He wore a painfully bright red suit, with a matching tall top hat. Brown hair cut in a severely perfect way, curving over his ears and tracing along the base of his skull, and a pin straight mustache spread across his upper lip. He didn’t even glance up as Alaina stepped in, instead reaching for a wooden pen and curving his hand across the paper in a signature. He made a little curl at the end, and Alaina doubted even the best forger would be able to copy it.
Stephan brushed the paper aside and looked up, his intent stare made Alaina want to hide in a corner. She straightened a little hoping to seem more professional.
“I don’t believe I have seen you before. Are you interested in joining the Academy? If so, I must ask that you come back Monday, 8:30 AM perhaps? Saturdays are terribly busy days for me.” Stephan gestured to the door,
“Mr. Rolenz, I am here to ask you a few questions, my parents were students here, and they dropped out… they disappeared recently and…” Stephan raised his eyebrows, but pulled open a desk drawer,
“Names?” Alaina was silent for a moment, then spoke.”
“Tali Freeman and Rory Johnson.” Stephan pulled out a single file, and place it on his desk, he flipped it open, then his eyes grew wide for a moment before he shut the file, and looked up at her
“Your Alaina Johnson aren’t you?” he said in an accusatory voice, Alaina nodded, not daring to speak.
Stephan removed his bright red top hat with a sweeping motion, and brought it down to his desk, weaving his fingers together on the front of the brim. He leaned forward, staring Alaina down with his menacing black-brown eyes. His pin straight mustache quivered as he spoke quietly, but with anger lacing through the words,
“Get out.” Alaina didn’t need telling twice, grasping the file from the cluttered desk, she ran for it, ignoring Stephan’s yells as she whipped around the corner, holding the file tight in her fingers, hoping nothing important fell out. She flew down the stairs at the end of the hall, only to find herself at a dead end, stopping short, she turned to see and empty hall way behind her.
She heard voices shouting behind her, and two men came running around the corner. Alaina closed her eyes and prepared for the worst.
GENERATION 30: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.




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Wow. This sounds interesting. I hope you continue.

I noticed a couple of tings, but other than this it looks good.

Glass walls, ceiling, and floor, gave the impression that one was walking on air.

I don't thind that you really need a comma after floor.

“Come in” Turning the brass knob, she stepped into a wood box.

It needs some type of punctuation after 'come in'.

Night and Day no longer affected people, everyone had their own schedule, and never did two people have the same schedules unless they were part of the same close family.

I think you wanted a period after the first people.

Stephan Rolenz sat in the wooden chair, staring intently with his black-brown eyes at a sheet of paper that read Privacy Policy across the top, no doubt taking in every iota of information before he signed.

It might be just me, but this looks like a run on sentince.

“Tali Freeman and Rory Johnson.” Stephan pulled out a single file, and place it on his desk, he flipped it open, then his eyes grew wide for a moment before he shut the file, and looked up at her

This also looks like a run on, and I think you wanted placed.

“Your Alaina Johnson aren’t you?”

I think you want you're.

You did a great job. :)




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Wow the story sounded really good and there were hardly any typos i just think you need to stop using so many commas, if you use a connecting word such as and or but you don't need to put a comma before it.The other thing was i think you need to connect/make some sentences longer to make it flow a little more, thats all, keep up the writing :)
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Hey Allessandre, Hawk here to review!

A reoccurring error I noticed throughout your story was that you have a lot of run-on sentences. If you try reading this post aloud, you'll (hopefully) hear that some sentences seemed rushed and don't quite give you enough time to take a breath. For example:
Alaina felt nervous as she walked toward Stephan Rolenz’s office, she knew that this man wasn’t one to cross.

Read it aloud, and you should notice that there's a natural pause after "office." There are two ways you can make that pause; either put a period there and form two new sentences, or use a semicolon ( ; ). There are several instances of you using simply a comma where more time needs to be given, and I'd suggest going through your story, reading aloud to really catch the spots, and putting in the appropriate punctuation (periods or semicolons.

Now, if you have trouble finding run-ons (and if you're in fact wondering just what I'm talking about), then I'd suggest taking a look at this excellent link that explains what a run-on is and how to fix/avoid them.

Glass walls, ceiling, and floor, gave the impression that one was walking on air.


As lovely an idea as this is, you also have to think about the practicalities. There's absolutely no privacy, which I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't put up with. Also, think about a magnifying glass--it refracts sunlight, and, when angled correctly, has the ability to light things on fire. Surely with all of the walls and other glass structures, there's going to be some sort of refraction of light and, well, things are bound to get messy. Just something to think about, and maybe work on explaining just how to avoid that situation.

The hallway was one of many in Glass City, stretching between Rolenz Academy and the Laboratory of Dr. Silinstra. The view from the hallway was spectacular. Glass City stretched for miles around Central Center. Central Center was made up of six huge glass skyscrapers, connected by hundreds of glass hallways.


First off, there are a lot of names that you're throwing at us here. I'd suggest trying to cut down on mentioning so many places all at once; if it doesn't pertain to the moment right now, then hold off on mentioning it until we really need to know about it.

Also, "Central Center" seems a bit redundant. Just a thought.

Turning the brass knob, she stepped into a wood box. The office had wooden walls, wooden floors, wooden chairs, a wooden desk and tables, a wooden ceiling; even the ceiling fan was wooden. There was a wood based lamp on each of the two tables at the back of the office, and the entire back wall was a huge, glass window with a view even better than that from the hallway.


Okay, we get the point here. Everything is wooden. You don't need to repeat the word so much in such a short space. You could easily say something along the lines of "The walls, floors, chairs, desk, tables, ceiling and even the ceiling fan were all wooden. The office contrasted sharply with the glass building it was nestled in." See how that omits the unnecessary repetition, as well as subtly reminding the reader that this office is something of an anomaly in the glass building?

She could clearly see a woman tucking her son into bed in an apartment two buildings over; while in the apartment above a man stretched as he awoke.


Again, seems a bit odd that people would forsake that much privacy. I wouldn't like living in a glass home where any perv could see me dressing or whatnot, you know?

“I don’t believe I have seen you before. Are you interested in joining the Academy? If so, I must ask that you come back Monday, 8:30 AM perhaps? Saturdays are terribly busy days for me.” Stephan gestured to the door,.
“Mr. Rolenz, I am here to ask you a few questions, my parents were students here, and they dropped out… they disappeared recently and…” Stephan raised his eyebrows, but pulled open a desk drawer,.
“Names?” Alaina was silent for a moment, then spoke.”
“Tali Freeman and Rory Johnson.” New paragraph here --> Stephan pulled out a single file, and place it on his desk, he flipped it open, then his eyes grew wide for a moment before he shut the file, and looked up at her


Taking a look at this little section, it seems like your punctuation could use a little work. Remember, periods after everything, unless it's the dialogue, in which there are several rules to follow. Since I'm no great shakes at explaining said rules, take a look at this excellent link by Demeter on dialogue punctuation.

“Your Alaina Johnson aren’t you?”


As said, it should be "You're", not "your." If you're ever not sure which one to use, simply replace the "your/you're" with "You are." If it makes sense (like, "You are a good writer"), then you know it's "you're." If it doesn't make sense (as in "Is this you are pen?") then you know it's going to be just "your."

She flew down the stairs at the end of the hall, only to find herself at a dead end, stopping short, she turned to see and empty hall way behind her.
She heard voices shouting behind her, and two men came running around the corner. Alaina closed her eyes and prepared for the worst.


Really? She just closes her eyes? Kind of disappointing; I'd like to also know what's going through her mind at the time. How is she feeling? What is she seeing, sensing, thinking, etc.? Show us a little more. Right now you've just got the bare bones. Let's have some more details.

Okay, well that's all I have to say. Please PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work! Cheers! (:
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This story was very interesting to me, in fact, I'd love to see more of it. To me, it looks like it could have some potential.




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I'm liking this story so far! It's very interesting. When I first read 'Dr. Silinstra' I read it as 'Dr. Silantro!' lol. But, anyway, my dyslectic issues aren't important. Love the Rolenz's top hat. :) Big fan of those. I really like the Glass City thing. But how do the people shower...? :0
I have a few nitpicks, but not many. The people who reviewed before me picked up on most of them.
"Stephan gestured to the door, "
It should say "Stephan gestured to the door."
"Alaina was silent for a moment, then spoke.” "
I think that's pretty self explanatory.
"...he said in an accusatory voice, Alaina nodded, not daring to speak."
It should say, "... he said in an accusatory voice. Alaina nodded, not daring to speak.

Those are the only ones that I can remember.
Good job so far. Second post soon?
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It was really interesting. It kept me here. What you have to do is brush up on your grammar though.
I dont need to search the world because what i want is right here
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