The Dark Curse Pt 1

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Okay so I was glancing over my stuff I've submitted and I realized I had all novels and poetry. I have tons of short stories that I need to post! So this is my first one. I'm sorry if it's a little long. If I get any complaints about it I'll change it into two parts. It was something I wrote for my creative writing class so it's a little rushed and it's not like all the things I've recently posted that I've had years to work on. Enjoy!


Okay so I just revised the entire thing with help from that extremely long review and now this is what I have. Reading back through it yeah I found a lot of problems and it really sucked. Hopefully its a little better now. And I also put it into two different parts because I thought it was a little long.

I sat on my bed in complete confusion. I just didn't understand how all this could have happened. It was like one moment I thought I was a completely normal girl, and the next I was dragged down to a whole new world. Why did everything have to happen to me? I had never even won an award before, let alone have this happen. It made my head hurt to even think about it.
My name is Kaylee Wintercrest, and I'm seventeen years old. I will be turning eighteen in only a couple months, and I thought I would finally be able to start my own life.
I lived with my mother and ten year old brother. My father left us when I was only six, so I never knew him. I felt really bad for my mother because she always thought she was completely in love with him. But she got the real side of him when I was about five and he turned into a selfish jerk. He kept telling her that soon he would have it all and the time was about to come when the family destiny was to be restored. My mom always just laughed and pretended like it was nothing, but in reality it scared her. Either he was crazy or right, and either one didn't sound too good.
Then he started to cheat on her. She knew about it but refused to leave him because she thought he could change. She finally made once last attempt to save their marriage and that's when my brother was born. But my father didn't really care about the new baby and he left her anyway. Now she was a struggling single mom who never got any child support. I hadn't heard from him in twelve years, and honestly I never did want to hear from him.
But that all changed. I was one person one minute, and then I was someone totally different. This evil guy came to visit me. I didn't want to believe it was the devil at first, but somewhere deep down I knew from the feeling the guy gave off. It was horrible! It was like being surrounded by pure evil and being able to feel it. I couldn't even move when I was in his presence, so all I could do was listen to him talk while I cried my eyes out. It was kind of hard to describe.
He told me many things that I really had no choice but to listen to. He told me my father came from a very special family. My great great great grandfather was born in England and wasn't very popular in the public eye. He wanted more power so he sold his soul to the devil for this necklace. Then he showed me an ugly looking black thing that gave me a bad vibe from the start just as the guy had. He told me the necklace gave him ultimate power but had a price to pay with it. Not only would he be cursed with its power, but his entire family would be, too. He took the trade and sold his soul. He did many things with the necklace, some of them that were unspeakable and others of them were pretty bad. Like when he wiped out an entire Indian tribe with its power because he wanted their treasures. He eventually died from natural causes and now was forced to pay the price for all eternity. After he died the necklace was returned to the devil, but the devil never forgot the rest of our family. Years later my family had migrated to America and the devil gave the necklace to my great grandfather. The necklace skipped people in the generations, but always was given to someone eventually.
Then he told me I was next in line. I would be the one to get the necklace and its unlimited power. Then I would be able to use it however I wished, getting back at anyone who was ever a jerk to me. I flat out refused it at first. Even though I was only seventeen I had some logic and good in me to know everything he was telling me was going to happen if I accepted that necklace. I didn’t want its addictive unlimited power. But I didn’t have a choice in the matter. He was much more powerful than me, so he forced it upon my neck. Having it on felt so amazing, like I had all this power coursing through my veins. I didn’t want to take it off because it felt so good. But then I came back to everything I had ever been taught by my mother and how she raised me and tried to take it off, but it wouldn't budge. The devil just laughed at me and told me not to try, because I was already doomed. My great great great grandfather had already sold my soul to him many years ago.
I didn't understand how that was very fair. I didn't even get a say in it? My mother had been taking me to church for as long as I could remember. Could something like that really happen? I always thought I was a pretty good girl, the kids at school even called me a goody good. So how was it fair that my soul had already been claimed, when I didn't even do anything to make it that way?
He then left laughing and I was able to breathe again. But the power of the necklace was still coursing through my veins and I found myself thinking bad thoughts. I sat on my bed like I had just had the worst nightmare of my life. And for a while I told myself it was just a nightmare. But that ugly black thing that wouldn't come off my neck reminded me every minute the truth: it wasn't a nightmare, it was real!
That was last week. This week nothing unusual had happened yet. I was even starting to control the thoughts the necklace gave me. Maybe if I never used its power the devil couldn't take my soul, because I still had the power to make my own thoughts. I didn’t think he could control me completely, even with the necklace. It was that rationalization that got me through this week.
So now there I was, sitting on my bed thinking about that terrible moment. I could still feel the tight grip that the devil had on me. He had been so strong, and it felt like he was suffocating me.
But I didn't have much time to think about it, because suddenly I heard a noise and saw all the lights go out. This was exactly what had happened when the devil had come, so I was sure this was him again. I hid under my covers like an idiot, hoping he wouldn't see me. But then I realized how stupid I was acting and got up to face him.
But I saw that it wasn't the devil at all. It was a very scary looking man with a very stern expression on. He looked at me like he knew me and then began to speak. “Kaylee, my name is Kanish. I have come to tell you something.”
I was really afraid. First the devil and now him. What was next? But as I looked more closely I realized somehow I felt like I knew this guy. But I had no clue why, because I was sure I had never seen him a day before in my life. “Do not be afraid of me, child,” he said softly. “I have not come to hurt you in any way.” I just looked at him kind of afraid, but I tried to act like I wasn't. “I need to give you some advice. There is still hope for you. Don't let the necklace consume you, as I let it do to me. Its power is only temporary, and then you will be forced to spend all of eternity hated and miserable."
I looked at him kind of confused, and then I finally managed to choke out, “Like it did to you? When did you have the necklace?”
He smiled at me, and I didn't see any trace of evil in it. Then he totally surprised me by bowing to me. “My name in Kanish Wintercrest.” I looked at him surprisingly. Wintercrest? “That's right Kaylee, I am your great grandfather. I died in the necklace's power, so now I am forced to spend all of eternity with the devil. I don't want to see that happen to you. And between you and me the devil is plotting something, and I don't want to see it happen. I must do everything in my power to stop it.”
“What sort of thing is he plotting?” I asked curiously.
He gave me a pained look. “I have been forbidden to tell you. But I can help you in one way. Listen to the prophecy, it will tell you want you need to know.”
“What prophecy?”
“Listen carefully.” Then he started to speak in a completely different voice.

The man will sell his entire family into the grip of the devil
The girl with no choice will be the chosen one to put an end to his power
No matter what she must stay true to who she is
And always remember the words from the other side
She will be put through a test
And come to terms with the one that abandoned her
If she succeeds she will find herself face to face
Then a choice must be made
To stop the evil power once and for all
One from the family must be chosen
The only purely good one left must be sacrificed
Only then will the world be saved
And the test be complete


My head really started to spin now. What were the words from the other side? Who is the one that abandoned me? Face to face with what? And who is the one that is purely good that must be sacrificed? I opened my mouth to ask him some of these questions, but he put a hand up to silence me. “I know you must have a lot of questions, but I am not allowed to answer any of them. I have told you all that I can. And now I must leave you. Farewell, young one. I have much faith in you.” And with that he was gone just as quickly as he had come.
I could have just sat there all night, or even all week. I certainly had enough to think about. But I was left with no choice but to go downstairs when I heard my mother call me down for dinner. I did so, kind of relieved to get this all out of my mind.
When I got down there I saw the usual. There was my annoying little brother Austin sitting in the corner. He didn't look anything like me. He had much darker hair and very different facial features. But no matter how much I wanted to deny it, he was still my brother. Sitting next to him was my mother, Anne. She looked just like me with her red hair and slim body. She was such a kind person and how she ever ended up with someone like my father I'll never know. And sitting next to her was her fiancé, Mark. He was also a very kind person, and I didn't have a problem with him. And he made my mother happy, which is all I ever asked for.
“Come on honey, I made meatloaf.” I absolutely loved meatloaf, so I quickly grabbed a plate and started to munch it down. My brother as usual started to give me dirty looks. “Honey, you look a little shaken up,” my mother told me. “Are you alright?”
“Oh yeah I'm fine,” I lied. “Just a little tired is all.”
“What did you see the devil again?” Austin mimicked. I gave him a death look and he returned it by sticking his tongue out at me.
“What about the devil?” my mother asked worriedly.
“Nothing. Austin's just being stupid.” I gave him another death look and this time he got the clue.
Okay, I knew I shouldn't have told him. But I had to tell someone, and I thought he would be the one to understand. Now I really regret it, because all he's been doing is using it against me. I didn't have the heart to tell Mark or my mom. Although she did ask me about my necklace once before but I just told her I bought it and she seemed to believe me. I wasn’t one known to lie. I knew they would have hard time believing me anyway. Even if my mother had already told me she would always believe me.
School couldn't have gone slower that following day. It was like every teacher just wanted to lecture on. I almost fell asleep, but then decided it wouldn't be the best idea. I was never much of a school person. I didn't even read that often, or think about my future much. But Mark asked me about it on a daily basis. He was a psychologist, so he was all about planning and shooting for goals. That was probably the only thing I really didn't like about him.
Once I finally got my prison break I ran outside to feel the fresh air on my face. I could probably skip all the way home in this mood.
But I was stopped abruptly when I saw a man standing by the sidewalk. I knew exactly who he was, so I tried to run for it. This couldn't be happening now! I never wanted to see him again. And even if I did, this was the worst possible timing! I ran all the way back into the school. I was about to head out the back way, but me running into Austin kind of stopped me.
“Oww! Watch where you're going! Wait, Austin? What are you doing at my school?”
He looked a little embarrassed at first, but then he finally whispered, “There are these boys that keep bothering me. You're a tough high school student right? Can you just rough them up a bit? You know, show them whose boss?”
My little brother was asking me to help him with bully problems? That was something I never expected! “Oh come on Austin, you don't need my help. You can show them whose boss all on your own.”
“I can't.”
“Yes you can! Come on, let's go right now.”
But my voice was drowned out by the loud speaker. “Kaylee Wintercrest, please come to the office!”
“What, the office? What for?” But when I looked over my brother was already heading over there. I had a bad feeling about this, but I couldn't let him go alone.
The school office was like a junkyard. There were thousands of papers everywhere, but none of them were useful in any way. Just as I had feared, there was that same man standing to the side. He gave me a smile, but it wasn't very warm.
“Who are you?” My brother asked immediately.
He gave us another smile before he spoke. “Ah yes. You must be Austin.”
He gave him a suspicious look. My brother was never one to be shy around anyone. “How do you know my name?”
“Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dallin Wintercrest.”
“Wintercrest? No way! I know you're lying! You're probably just some child stalker who wants to get us to go home with you.” Dallin laughed at that last comment.
“Then how would I know that you're ten, and your sister here is seventeen? And how would I know your mother's name is Anne?”
Now he really started to look scared. That's when I knew I had to step in. “Listen. We don't care what you have to say. You haven't seen me in twelve years and now you think this will make it all right again?” Austin looked at me in complete confusion. “Austin,” I sighed. “This is our real father.”
At first he looked even more confused, then kind of excited. The last emotion I saw him show was anger. “You're him!” Austin shouted. “My mother told me stories about you! And you abandoned us all before I was even born!”
“Why are you here?” I asked plainly.
“I actually need to talk to you,” he told me. “Do you mind if we take a walk? We can walk on the main street if it makes you feel any better.”
“No way!” my brother shouted. “Come on, Kaylee. Let's just leave him alone.” But I really didn't want to. He hadn't spoken to me in twelve years. What could he possibly have to say? So I started to walk with him, and Austin disdainfully followed.
“So,” he said once we were a little while away from the school. “How are you and your brother doing?”
“Fine,” I replied.
“No thanks to you!” Austin shouted. He chose to ignore him.
“I heard you were the one that got the necklace. You have no idea on how big of an honor that is.” So that's what he wanted, the necklace! He never really wanted to speak with me at all!
“Yes, I got it. And you can have it if you want.”
“Oh no, Kaylee, I can't take it from you. It was given to you, so therefore only you can possess it. It cannot be stolen.”
“Well, I don't want it.”
“My father told me all about it. He even told me I might be the one to receive it. Sadly, I wasn't. But my own daughter having it! Now that's an honor! I hope you know what kind of power you hold. You can do anything you want with it.”
“I really have to go,” I said rudely. “My mother hates it when I'm late without telling her ahead of time.”
“Very well, Kaylee. Don't worry, we shall meet again.” And with that he walked away.
“That jerk,” my brother mumbled. “Just who does he think he is?”
“I don't know,” I said. But there had been something that had been bothering me this entire time. It was one of the lines of the prophecy. And come to terms with the one that abandoned her. That must have meant my biological father. And what does come to terms exactly mean? Like him? Be able to stand him? I didn't know.
Last edited by stargazer9927 on Sat Feb 12, 2011 10:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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stargazer9927 wrote:
I sat on my bed in complete confusion. I just didn't understand how all this could have happened. It was like one moment I thought I was a completely normal girl, and the next I was dragged down to a whole new world. Why did everything have to happen to me? I had never even won an award before, let alone have this happen. It made my head hurt to even think about it. [A bit of a bland start (cliched, overused), but let's see where this gets us]

My name is Kaylee Wintercrest, and I'm seventeen years old. I will be turning eighteen in only a couple months, and I thought I would finally be able to start my own life. I have long, curly red hair and hazel eyes. [The way she looks, is it a plot point? If it isn't, you should cut this bit out, this kind of description is intrusive] Well, they were hazel most of the time, but I swear that sometimes they would change colors. [Again, unless this is a plot point (i.e. it's going to get used at some point later on in the story), this should not matter] But no one ever believed me.

I lived with my mother and ten year old younger brother. [You don't need "younger", it's already obvious he's younger if you give us his age] My father left us when I was only six, so I never knew him. I felt really bad for my mother because she always thought she was completely in love with him. [How does the narrator know that her mother "thought" she was completely in love with him? Can the narrator read her mother's thoughts?] But she got the real side of him when I was about five and he turned into a selfish jerk. He kept telling her that soon he would have it all and the time was about to come when the family destiny was to be restored. My mom always just laughed and pretended like it was nothing, but in reality it scared her. Either he was crazy or right, and either one didn't sound too good. [You say that he's a selfish jerk, but that last bit made him sound more like he's a bit... insane. Insane and selfish are different things]

Then he started to cheat on her. She knew about it but refused to leave him because she thought he could change. She finally made once last attempt to save their marriage and that's when my brother was born. But he didn't really care, [The brother didn't care? About what? Being born? Sentence is unclear] and he left her anyway. Now she was a struggling single mom who never got any child support. I hadn't heard from him in twelve years, and honestly I never did want to hear from him.

But that all changed. I was one person one minute, and then I was someone totally different. This evil guy came to visit me. I didn't want to believe it was the devil at first, but somewhere deep down I knew. [.......how?] I mean the feeling the guy gave off was horrible. It was like being surrounded by pure evil and being able to feel it. I couldn't even move when I was in his presence, so all I could do was listen to him talk while I cried my eyes out. [Why is this a part of the backstory? I would write a scene about this. I'm not sure how the narrator can suddenly just turn different. Also, how can she be able to "feel" pure evil? Describe it!]

He told me many things that I really had no choice but to listen to. He told me my father came from a very special family. My great great great grandfather was born in England and wasn't very popular in the public eye. He wanted more power so he sold his soul to the devil for this necklace. This is showed me ["This is showed me"? Sentence doesn't make sense, revise an ugly looking black thing that gave off almost as bad evil ["Almost as bad evil" sounds very clunky] as the guy had. He told me the necklace gave him ultimate power but had a price to pay with it. [You can pay for some price with the necklace? Like, use it as currency? Sentence is unclear] Not only would he be cursed with its power, but his entire family would be, too. He took the risk and sold his soul. [What risk? It sounds like there's a trade-off, not a risk. He gets power, but he also gets a curse. A risk is when something has a chance to happen, you make it sound like it'll happen for sure] He did many bad things with the necklace and then eventually died. [...what? What bad things? How did he use it? What exactly does the necklace do? How did he die?] After he died the necklace was returned to the devil, but the devil never forgot the rest of his family. Years later my family had migrated to America and the devil gave the necklace to my great grandfather. The necklace skipped people in the generations, but always was given to someone eventually.

Then he told me I was next in line. I would be the one to get the necklace and its unlimited power. Then I would be able to use it however I wished, getting back at anyone who was ever a jerk to me. [This girl would use an artifact of "unlimited power"... to get back at people who were jerks? Not, say, solve world hunger, cure AIDS, that sort of thing?...] I flat out refused it at first, [Why refuse unlimited power?] but he insisted. He was much more powerful than me, so he forced it upon my neck. Having it on felt so amazing, like I had all this power coursing through my veins. [What does that feel like, exactly?] But then I came back to everything I had ever been taught [What does that mean? she remembered everything she was taught?] and tried to take it off, but it wouldn't budge. The devil just laughed at me and told me not to try, because I was already doomed. My great great great grandfather had already sold my soul to him many years ago. [OK, at this point I don't really understand why the grandfather needed this amulet. What the heck did he do with it? What was so mind-bendingly awesome about it that made him sell the souls of all his descendants?]

I didn't understand how that was very fair. I didn't even get a say in it? [Is this a question?] My mother had been taking me to church for as long as I could remember. Could something like that really happen? I always thought I was a pretty good girl, the kids at school even called me a goody good. So how was it fair that my soul had already been claimed, when I didn't even do anything to make it that way?

He left laughing and I was able to breathe again. [Whoa, I thought we were getting a flashback. Now this is in real-time?] But the power of the necklace was still coursing through my veins and I found myself thinking bad thoughts. [Okay, usually power corrupts because the user abuses its power. Here, it just literally corrupts "just because"? Before the narrator even started using it?] I sat on my bed like I had just had the worst nightmare of my life. And for a while I told myself it was just a nightmare. [How could she even tell herself that? She has the amulet for proof!] But that ugly black thing that wouldn't come off my neck reminded me every minute the truth: it wasn't a nightmare, it was real!

That was last week. This week nothing unusual had happened yet. I was even starting to control the thoughts the necklace gave me. Maybe if I never used it's power the devil couldn't take my soul, because I still had the power of good. [Power of good? What? You mean power to rationalize between bad behaviour and good behaviour?] It was that rationalization that got me through this week. [Totally called it! Rationalization isn't exactly a "power"]

So now there I was, sitting on my bed thinking about that terrible moment. I could still feel the tight grip that the devil had on me. He had been so strong, and it felt like he was suffocating me.

But I didn't have much time to think about it, because suddenly I heard a noise and saw all the lights go out. This was exactly what had happened when the devil had come, [Except you don't mention it at all the first time it happens] so I was sure this was him again. I hid under my covers like an idiot, hoping he wouldn't see me. But then I realized how stupid I was acting and got up to face him.

But I saw that it wasn't the devil at all. It was a very scary looking man with a very stern expression on. [Why doesn't she think this guy is the devil? As far as I understood, she just figured the first guy for the devil 'cause "he looked evil"] He looked at me like he knew me and then began to speak. “Kaylee, my name is Kanish. I have come to tell you something.”

I was really afraid. First the devil and now him. What was next? But as I looked more closely I realized somehow I
felt like I knew this guy. But I had no clue why, because I was sure I had never seen him a day before in my life. “Do not be afraid of me, child,” he said softly. “I have not come to hurt you in any way.” I just looked at him kind of afraid, but I tried to act like I wasn't. “I need to give you some advice. There is still hope for you. Don't let the necklace consume you, as I let it do to me. [So there are several people with this necklace?] It's power is only temporary, then you will be forced to spend all of eternity hated and miserable." [Okay, so why doesn't Kaylee automatically hate him if the necklace made him "hated"?]

I looked at him kind of confused, then I finally managed to choke out, “Like it did to you? When did you have the necklace?” [Now imagine a person "choking out" that entire sentence. Not a pretty sight...]

He smiled at me, and I didn't see any trace of evil in it. Then he totally surprised me by bowing to me. “My name in Kanish Wintercrest.” I looked at him surprisingly. Wintercrest? “That's right Kaylee, I am your great grandfather. I died in the necklace's power, so now I am forced to spend all of eternity with the devil. I don't want to see that happen to you. And between you and me the devil is plotting something, and I don't want to see it happen. I must do everything in my power to stop it.”

“What sort of thing is he plotting?” I asked curiously. [Really? She asks this and not why her great grandfather is a zombie?]

He gave me a painful look. [A painful look? so it hurt Kaylee? Did you mean "pained" look?] “I have been forbidden to tell you. But I can help you in one way. Listen to the prophecy, it will tell you want you need to know.”

“What prophecy?”

“Listen carefully.” Then he started to speak in a completely different voice.

The man will sell his entire family into the grip of the devil
The girl with no choice will be the chosen one to put an end to his power [The man's power? That sold his family?]
No matter what she must stay true to who she is
And always remember the words from the other side
She will be put through a test
And come to terms with the one that abandoned her [Might as well say "her father"]
If she succeeds she will find herself face to face [...with the devil]
Then a choice must be made
To stop the evil power once and for all
One from the family must be chosen
The only purely good one left must be sacrificed [Her brother?]
Only then will the world be saved
And the test be complete

My head really started to spin now. What were the words from the other side? Who is the one that abandoned me? [If this was a TV show, I'd be screaming "YOUR FATHER!!!" Really though, she just discussed the fact that he left the family, it's kind of obvious] Face to face with what? And who is the one that is purely good that must be sacrificed? I opened my mouth to ask him some of these questions, but he put a hand up to silence me. “I know you must have a lot of questions, but I am not allowed to answer any of them. I have told you all that I can. And now I must leave you. Farewell, young one. I have much faith in you.” And with that he was gone just as quickly as he had come. [Did he leave through the door? Through the ceiling? Did he vanish in thin air?]

I could have just sat there all night, or even all week. I certainly had enough to think about. But I was left with no choice but to go downstairs when I heard my mother call me down for dinner. I did so, but very grudgingly. [She has a grudge for her mother about being fed?]

When I got down there I saw the usual. There was my annoying little brother Austin sitting in the corner. He didn't look anything like me. He had much darker hair and very different facial features. But no matter how much I wanted to deny it, he was still my brother. Sitting next to him was my mother, Anne. She looked just like me with her red hair and slim body. She was such a kind person and how she ever ended up with someone like my father I'll never know. And sitting next to her was her fiancé, Mark. He was also a very kind person, and I didn't have a problem with him. And he made my mother happy, which is all I ever asked for. [Kind of a bland description there]

“Come on honey, I made meatloaf.” I absolutely loved meatloaf, so I quickly grabbed a plate and started to munch it down. My brother as usual started to give me dirty looks. “Honey, you look a little shaken up,” my mother told me. “Are you alright?”

“Oh yeah I'm fine,” I lied. “Just a little tired is all.”

“What did you see the devil again?” Austin mimicked. I gave him a death look and he returned it by sticking his tongue out at me. [He returned a look with a tongue??? What?]

“What about the devil?” my mother asked worriedly.

“Nothing. Austin's just being stupid.” I gave him another death look and this time he got the clue.

Okay, I knew I shouldn't have told him. But I had to tell someone, and I thought he would be the one to understand. [Yep, 10 year old kids are known for handling that pretty well] But now I really regret it, because all he's been doing is using it against me. I didn't have the heart to tell Mark or my mom. [Wouldn't someone notice the necklace sooner or later?] I knew they wouldn't believe you anyway. [They wouldn't believe me? The person reading this story?] Even if my mother had already told me she would always believe me.

School couldn't have gone slower that following day. It was like every teacher just wanted to lecture on. I almost fell asleep, but then decided it wouldn't be the best idea. I was never much of a school person. I didn't even read that often, or think about my future much. But Mark asked me about it on a daily basis. He was a psychologist, so he was all about planning and shooting for goals. That was probably the only thing I really didn't like about him. [Didn't like what? The fact that Mark urged her not to be useless? Tough words, but, I mean... In real life, if she doesn't go to school, she might as well be useless]]

Once I finally got my prison break I literally ran [Why do you need "literally" here? Is it even possible to run figuratively?] outside to feel the fresh air on my face. I could probably skip all the way home in this mood.

But I was stopped abruptly when I saw a man standing by the sidewalk. I knew exactly who he was, so I tried to run for it. This couldn't be happening now! I never wanted to see him again. And even if I did, this was the worst possible timing! I ran all the way back into the school. I was about to head out the back way, but me running into Austin kind of stopped me.

“Oww! Watch where you're going! Wait, Austin? What are you doing at my school?”

He looked a little embarrassed at first, but then he finally whispered, “There are these boys that keep bothering me. You're a tough high school student right? Can you just rough them up a bit. You know, show them who's boss?”

My little brother was asking me to help him with bully problems? That was something I never expected! “Oh come on Austin, you don't need my help. Just show them who's boss.” [She denies his request for help by telling him to do exactly what he just asked her to do?? Oh my goodness... Is this girl serious?]

“I can't.”

“Yes you can! Come on, let's go right now.”

But my voice was drowned out by the loud speaker. “Kaylee Wintercrest, please come to the office!”

“What, the office? What for?” But when I looked over my brother was already heading over there. I had a bad feeling about this, but I couldn't let him go alone.

The school office was like a junkyard. There were thousands of papers everywhere, but none of them were useful in any way. Just as I had feared, there was that same man standing to the side. He gave me a smile, but in my opinion it wasn't very warm. [Everything that's written here is her opinion, that's just what happens when you're using first person. You don't need to say "in my opinion"]

“Who are you?” My brother asked immediately. [This kid asks everyone who looks at him who they are? Legendary sociability!]

He gave us another smile before he spoke. “Ah yes. You must be Austin.”

He gave him a suspicious look. My brother was never one to be shy around anyone. “How do you know my name?”

“Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dallin Wintercrest.” [Why does everyone but Austin and Kaylee in the Wintercrest family have weird names?]

“Wintercrest? No way! I know you're lying! You're probably just some child stalker who wants to get us to go home with you.” He laughed at that last comment. [Who's talking? Who's laughing?]

“Then how would I know that you're ten, and your sister here is seventeen? And how would I know your mother's name is Anne?”

Now he really started to look scared. That's when I knew I had to step in. “Listen. We don't care what you have to say. You haven't seen me in twelve years and now you think this will make it all right again?” Austin looked at me in complete confusion. “Austin,” I sighed. “This is our real father.”

At first he looked even more confused, then kind of excited. The very last emotion I saw him show was anger. [The very last emotion before he horribly died. Why use "very last" and not just "last"?]

“You're him!” Austin shouted. “My mother told me stories about you! And you abandoned us all before I was even born!”

“Why are you here?” I asked plainly.

“I actually need to talk to you,” he told me. “Do you mind if we take a walk? We can walk on the main street if it makes you feel any better.”

“No way!” my brother shouted. “Come on, Kaylee. Let's just leave him alone.” But I really didn't want to. He hadn't spoken to me in twelve years. What could he possibly have to say? So I started to walk with him, and Austin disdainfully followed. [I thought she didn't ever want to see him]

“So,” he said once we were a little while away from the school. “How are you and your brother doing?”

“Fine,” I replied.

“No thanks to you!” Austin shouted. He chose to ignore him. [Who's ignoring who?]

“I heard you were the one that got the necklace. You have no idea on how big of an honor that is.” So that's what he wanted, the necklace! He never really wanted to speak with me at all! [Except you can't really get the necklace off, so if Kaylee thought for a second, she'd realize that he wasn't here for the necklace]

“Yes, I got it. And you can have it if you want.”

“Oh no, Kaylee, I can't take it from you. It was given to you, so therefore only you can possess it. It cannot be stolen.”

“Well, I don't want it.”

“My father told me all about it. He even told me I might be the one to receive it. Sadly, I wasn't. But my own daughter having it! Now that's an honor! I hope you know what kind of power you hold. You can do anything you want with it.”

“I really have to go,” I said rudely. “My mother hates it when I'm late without telling her ahead of time.”

“Very well, Kaylee. Don't worry, we shall meet again.” And with that he walked away.

“That jerk,” my brother mumbled. “Just who does he think he is?”

“I don't know,” I said. [I know! I know! Their rightful father?] But there had been something that had been bothering me this entire time. It was one of the lines of the prophecy. And come to terms with the one that abandoned her. Could that really mean her biological father? [:D She gets it!] And what does come to terms exactly mean? Like him? Be able to stand him? She didn't know. ["She"? Did you just suddenly switch to third person?]

That night at dinner it was completely silent. She didn't think she had ever seen Austin so quiet. Finally her mom stood up and demanded they tell her whatever was bothering them.

I gave a great big sigh. [...and back to first person. Cool] “Mom, Dallin came to talk to us after school today.”

It took her a minute to process the information. “He what? Oh, the nerve of him! He hasn't spoken to me or paid child support in twelve years and now he thinks he can just walk right back into your guy's life? [Your guy? Who's "your guy"?] Well, he had another thing coming! I'll go to court if I have to!”

“Who's Dallin?” Mark asked. It was kind of weird. He didn't really know much at all and yet he was going to be married to her in a couple days. My mom was really stressing out about it. And the closer it came, the more stressed she became.

“Oh Mark. I know I don't talk about him much. He was my ex-husband.”

“Really? And he just came to talk to her randomly? Shouldn't the school have some sort of protection against that?”

“It's high school,” I told him. “They really don't care.”

“Well, we should complain to the school. They have to make a policy.” That was Mark's way out of everything, complain to someone. He was a nice guy, but he really needed to learn how to do things himself. [How WOULD you do things yourself in this case? Shoot your own father in the face before he talks to you? Hmmmm...]

“Everyone, calm down,” my mother said. “We'll all be one big family in only a couple of days. No need to start fighting already.” [Who is fighting? I just heard talking]

The next few days just seemed to zoom on by. I never heard a word from Dallin, and honestly I was glad I hadn't. Mark had done just what he said he would and now he was put on a no contact list. [Except that does absolutely nothing, because the only time Dallin made contact was in person and not over the phone] The urge to do bad was getting so much worse, and I wanted nothing more than to chuck this stupid necklace. [So we hear nothing about this urge getting worse prior to this moment, and now it's suddenly an issue?] I went over the prophecy lots of times in my head, but the next line didn't make any sense. If she succeeds she will find herself face-to-face. Face to face with what? And have I not succeeded in proving myself yet?

So now [You already used "so now" twice in the beginning of the story, where "so now" literally means "now". So when exactly is "now"?] here I sat in white dress, looking down at my mother and Mark. Today was finally the day my mother had been stressing about, and I was probably more nervous than her. And that was really saying a lot. [Why was Kaylee nervous?]

My mother had chosen me as the maid of honor. I admit I was a little scared at first, but then I realized you [Me? The reader?] really didn't do much. [I'm doing a lot, thank you very much... :P] My brother thought his job as the ring boy was an honor, but I just found it funny to watch him drop the ring about four times. If only I had a camera, then I could have major black mail. [Why would she need blackmail if everybody saw it? This is a wedding, isn't it? Lots of people gathering here?]

The preacher of course said you may now kiss the bride, and my parents [She calls Mark one of her parents? This really doesn't happen in real life, as far as I know. My friends with step-parents, no matter how good the terms they are on, always call the step-parent by given name rather than an actual parent] kissed. I was grateful this thing was finally over. Now all I had to deal with was the reception and I would be free. [Really, so this big wedding you were building up your story for is just over in one paragraph?]

I walked into the room and saw all my family there. There were close family like my mom's parents, and then there was really long distance family like my third cousin. I tried to just smile as they came around to shake my hand. I had never been much of a people person. [Not much of a school person, not much of a people person... We're already so far into the story and I have no idea what this character is that you're writing about. What ARE her strong suits?]

Then came everyone's favorite part, the cutting of the cake. My mother had been looking forward to this all day. She carefully took the knife and cut down into it. But just as she hit the bottom the ground started to shake. [uh oh]

Everyone started to scream and run around like idiots. [Like idiots?] I held on to the door frame, like I had been taught when I was little. I heard my brother yell, “Earthquake!” and then he came to join me. We sat there paralyzed with fear for a little while, ["Paralyzed with fear", and Kaylee is calling the people running around "idiots"?] until the shaking finally started to die down.

Once the shaking had completely stopped I looked out to the crowd. No one had seemed hurt to me. That was a huge relief. But my mother wasn't as optimistic.

“My wedding's ruined!” she sobbed. “This was supposed to be my special day! I was only supposed to get married once! This is not fair!” Mark tried to make her feel better by putting his arm around her, but she just pulled away.

“Anne,” he said. “You can't help it if there's a natural disaster! It's all unexpected.” despite his efforts, she just kept crying.

I looked out the window of the church and to the horizon. There was something up there, something dark. And now suddenly I knew what I had to do for the prophecy. I took off my high heels and started to run up there. My mother saw me leave and started to get concerned. [What just happened?]

“Kaylee! Where are you going? You can't leave right in the middle of the wedding!” Just as I was afraid of, she started to follow me. Then Mark started to follow her, with Austin close behind them.

“Of course!” I shouted to myself. “I'll be face-to-face with the devil! I have to fight him!”

“What on earth are you talking about?” my mother shouted as she tried to keep up in her dress. “Kaylee, this is crazy! What are you doing?”

I stopped unexpectedly. [Unexpectedly to whom??? Aren't we writing from Kaylee's perspective? She'd obviously expect it since she was the one that stopped running] “I'm really sorry mom,” I said. “I didn't mean to ruin your wedding. But this is a life or death circumstance. If I don't do this now, the whole world will be affected.”

She gave me a very concerned look, like she thought I was crazy. “Honey are you feeling alright? The whole world will not be affected by whatever this is.”

“Yes it will.” Then I turned around. “You'll understand later.”

I booked it all the way to the top of the hill. Then came that horrible feeling again. The presence of pure evil, I could feel it. They must have all felt it too, because they all stopped suddenly and looked around worriedly. [Who stopped suddenly? Where are they? I thought Kaylee was the only one running up the hill]

“Where are we?” my brother asked.

“A hill,” I replied. [Why did he ask this? Why did she say this? Is it not obvious to everyone that they are on a hill?] Just as I said that a figure leaped out of the darkness. [Where is the darkness? There's just a hill there, where is the shadow? What darkness?] I knew exactly who it was.

“Who are you?” my mother asked him.

“They call me Lucifer,” he said with an evil grin.

“You mean like the devil? I feel bad for you. I don't know of anyone who would want to have that name.” [....A man leaps out of thin air and Kaylee's mom is not screaming her head off, but asking questions about this guy's name and not believing that this is, in fact, the devil?]

“I'm quite found of it actually.”

“Oh.” [This serves absolutely no purpose. "Oh" doesn't tell us anything at all]

“Now, be gone!” He waved his hands and the part of the hill that my parents were standing on collapsed, leaving them tumbling to the bottom. I watched my brother hide behind a bush so he wouldn't be seen.

“No!” I shouted.

“Don't worry,” he said with no sympathy. “They're not dead. They will just have a few broken bones. You're lucky I'm in a good mood today.” [A few broken bones? I thought they were tumbling down to hell!]

I was really scared, but I was tired of standing in the shadows. [Where did the shadows come from on a hill?] I went up straight to his face. “What do you want from me?” I asked bravely.

“Oh how sweet,” he mimicked. “You think you actually stand a chance against me. Do you realize who I am? You stand no chance.”

“I'm not going to give up!”

“Well, good for you. But you should just stop now, and do what I tell you.” Then he started to go in circles around me. “You could be great you know. That necklace with my help will give you unlimited power. Like I said before, your soul is already mine, so just give up. You might as well enjoy your time on earth while you still have it. Then it's endless torment. Who knows, I might even let you see your family. But if you keep fighting, you will get nothing.” I didn't like how he had said that last sentence.

“I'm not giving into you,” I repeated. “No matter what you offer me or tell me.”

“Well, if you insist on being difficult.” Then he flicked his finger and I saw a jet of blue light shoot at me. Pain immediately shot through my entire body, and I could barely breathe. I collapsed to the ground and saw him point his finger at me again. “I could kill you now you know,” he whispered in my ear. “Then you would have no chance at even a life. All you have to do is surrender to me, and everything will be okay.”

“No,” I managed to choke out. Then he got ready to shoot another one at me.

“No!” I heard my brother shout as he came out of the bushes. He threw his shoe and the light caused it to explode, but at least it didn't hit me.

“Foolish boy!” the devil shouted. “Don't meddle in my affairs. Just go back to your mommy, or you will suffer the same fate she will.”

“Don't lay another hand on my sister,” he said fiercely.

“Am I supposed to be scared of a ten year old?” he said with a laugh. “I'll give you one last chance to leave.”

“I'll leave with my sister,” he stated.

“Very well then. Don't worry, this will only hurt a lot.” Then he pointed his finger at him. But instead of blue light coming out, it was a red light. I didn't like that at all, but I was paralyzed, so I couldn't move even if I had wanted to.

I watched in horror as the light hit my brother and he fell to the ground. His eyes closed and I swore I saw the light leave them.

“NO!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. Now I was mad. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?”

He just let out another cold laugh. “Don't worry, he's in a better place now. Away from you that is.” Just as he said those words I saw a huge thing of white light. “What?” the devil asked in shock. “What is happening? That boy couldn't have possibly been purely good!”

“No!” I shouted. I had just remembered the next line of the prophecy that I had overlooked before. One from the family must be chosen, the only purely good one left must be sacrificed. But surely the only pure and good one couldn't have been my brother? [Purely good... and before he was taunting his sister about seeing the devil... my head's spinning...]

“Noooo!” They devil shouted. “This can't be happening!” If my brother hadn't just died I probably would have said something cool, but I really wasn't in the mood. [Can she honestly say things like these after her brother was just killed by the freakin' devil himself?]

In an instant I saw the white light rest upon him, and he was gone. The white light went high up in the sky, and then just disappeared.

I sat there for a moment completely stunned, even though I knew I could move again. I felt hot tears pour down my cheeks as my parents slowly made their way up the hill. [I thought there was a hole in the hill]

“What is going on!” my mother shouted. “Was that another earthquake?” But I couldn't answer her, because I was too busy crying. “Honey what's wrong? What happened?”

But she answered her own question when she saw my brother's lifeless body laying on the ground. “Austin?” She came up for a closer look and saw that his eyes were closed. “Austin! Can you hear me? Oh please tell me you can hear me.” She started to bawl her eyes out.

“Okay, calm down,” Mark told her. “I can handle this. I took a class in medical when I was in college. I can tell you if he'll be alright.” Then he felt his wrist, checking for a pulse I assumed. I was afraid to hear his answer when I saw the look on his face.

“Well ,is he alright?” my mother asked anxiously.

He looked down sadly. “He doesn't have a pulse. I'm afraid he's dead.” At that my mother started to bawl her eyes out, holding the lifeless body. I did the same and before I knew it all three of us were in each other's arms.

That week was crazy. If I would have been normal at all I probably just would have told myself it was a bad dream. And now I had finally woken up from it. The necklace had completely stopped working, and I just threw it out, finally being able to get it off. But I knew that it wasn't a dream. And the only proof I had of that was the fact that my brother was gone. I know it didn't lose him to the devil, but to death. And I also knew that the devil was still out there. But at least now I had my soul back, and hopefully the devil wouldn't come bugging me again. I would miss my brother, but he died for what was right. And where ever he was now, I hope he realized that.


The spoiler above contains the full in-depth critique. My comments are in [red brackets], repetitions are in orange, and corrections are in red.

Please spend more time on the plot and the characters. Try to read a little more in order to develop your own style. Please make the prophecy more ambiguous: if I could guess exactly what happens where, then your readers will, too. Kaylee should have figured it out right away, and because she didn't, it made me think she's a bit on the slow side.

Sorry for the short review. I'm too burnt out from critiquing the text. The one thing I liked about this is the length; you have a strong drive to write. Read my comments, see what you agree with and what you do not agree with, and try to improve your writing based on the points you found valid. It would be a terrible shame for your amazing drive to waste away with poor writing like this. I know it's a bit of a faux-pas on this site to say that a piece is bad, but I prefer being honest over giving out compliments I don't mean. This piece needs a lot of work, and I would like to see you revise it and post the revised version here as well. It has potential, but, as I said, it just needs a lot of work.

Good luck.
_




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Wow!!! You've got some deep thoughts there.

Beyond a few misspellings, it is a great story.




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synismysyn3
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i rly like your story (:
it has a sense of humor andd its very deep ! readd myyyne =]
but i rly like your story- keep it coming, man.



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— The Golden Goose