Lucky Number Seven

INTRO
Katherine POV
My eyes flew between the clock and the large, wooden door in the corner of the room. A few seconds later, there was a soft knock on the door, some whispering, then a louder knock. I stood up and slowly walked to the door, turning the handle, letting the seven most powerful girls left into the room. They looked around the giant, white room with wide eyes.
"Have you never seen anything like this before?" I asked suddenly. They have no reply-- too fascinated by everything. I looked over at the security guards and nodded. They strolled to the girls and escorted them into a line.
"Ladies. I have something very, very important to say," I announced. "You girls are very special. There is no other girls like you. You're the last of your kinds."
"Kinds? I'm only human, here. And I'm pretty sure we're not the last humans." The girl dressed in all black stated.
"No, not humans. That's just a cover. Each and every one of you are different. In millions of ways. You see, we've been watching all of you since you were born. Trying to keep you safe. But at this very moment, someone, or something, is looking for you. And if they find you, oh my dears, they will kill you." I let them think about what I just said, trying to figure everything out. I swiftly turned and gently picked up a brown box with the number seven on the top. I paced over to the first girl in the line.
She had light brown hair that passed her shoulders by the tiniest of an inch. Her eyes were big and chocolatey.
"What is your name, Sweetie?" I asked.
"Um, Faith Simone Walker." She replied quietly.
"Faith Simone Walker. Miss Walker, you are very small in shape and size, which would explain why youu are a fairy." I said, handing her a necklace with a butterfly on it. "Whenever you want, or need to become a fairy, you take hold of this and concentrate," I continued, "You can also shapeshift. Use that skill wisely."
I took a step to the right to see a more muscular girl brown eyes and hair a mix of fiery red and light brown with a long blue streak running down the side of her face. I pushed back a lock of her hair to find slightly pointed ears. "Ah, I know what you are! What is your name?"
"Oh uh Melody Kylie Smith." Her voice rang throughout the room.
"You, Melody, are an elf. I can tell by your ears, even from a mile away." I handed her a locket in the shape of a heart with a red ruby dangling from the bottom. "You have pyrokinsis, the ability over fire. It's dangerous so think before you go crazy."
Next was the girl dressed in all black from head to toe. "Smile for me." She smiled a toothy smile, and i noticed her canines were sharper than an average person. "Name, please?"
"Joelle Krystal Adams." She said with a heavy dose of attitude.
"Joelle, you're a vampire. Your teeth, your style, and especially your attitude give it away boldly." Her necklace was black fangs. "And Joelle, you're telepathic. You can send and recieve thoughts from your mind to another. Be careful though, what you say, or think, could be used against you."
"I'm next! What am I? What am I?" The short girl with blonde hair down to her waist and the bright brown eyes squeaked.
"Yes you are. Your name please?"
"Brandi Miranda Henderson! What am I?" She was on her tiptoes trying to look in the box.
"Brandi, you are a genie. It doesn't sound like much, and to be honest, it really isn't. But I bet it could be fun. You can also teleport. Going places quickly, without having to walk." I said convincingly.
She sighed, sounding relieved. "That's great! I hate walking. Or any kind of exercise at all! I like being at home, laying in bed, sleeping." She took the bracelet I handed her and stared at it like it was the most beautiful piece of jewelry she'd ever seen in her life.
"This is a bracelet that makes the magic happen. When someone makes a wish, you are the one making it come true."
"Like when? What kind of wishes? Birthday wishes? Shooting stars?" She asked, her voice full of wonder.
"Both. Every kind of wish out there. You're responsible for if it comes true, or not. And you're the one to decide if you want it to come true. you choose the wishes." I stepped to the next girl.
"You look like a swimmer. Do you swim?" I asked.
"Only all the time! Swimming is my life. I couldn't live without it." She answered smiling.
"Then you'll love this. You're a mermaid. And you're invulnerable. So you can't get hurt. Sweetie, what's your name?"
She took no time to respond, "I'm Aria Mariah Gibson. But more importantly I'm a mermaid. When I was little I always dreamt of being a mermaid!"
"Your necklace." I said handing her a gold necklace with a mermaid on it. Her hair was pearl white, her tail covered in diamonds. If only mermaids looked like that. She turned, unsubtly telling me to put the necklace on her. She lifted up her blonde hair as I clipped the necklace shut. She twirled back to face me, her brown eyes sparkling along with the tail.
"You must be Zaria. How are you, my dear?" I smiled advancing to her.
"I'm great, but how do you know my name?" She answered.
"I recognize your long legs anywhere. Now tell me, what is the rest of your name?"
"Zaria Samantha Perkins." She smiled, her white teeth shining in the light.
"Miss Zaria you are an angel. An angel that can time travel. You can change the past, make it better. Make it worse, not a good idea though so I wouldn't do it. You can change people's lives. Keep them living. If they died for a reason not good enough at all, you can make that go away forever. But I'm warning you, sometimes things happen for a reason." I said handing her a necklace with a wing on it.
"The lovely daughter of Aphrodite. Your mother is a very beautiful woman, I see where you got your looks from. What's your name?"
She answered cautiously, "Ariana Skyla Bradley."
"You look like your mother, darling."
"My mother died when I was born. How would you know what she looks like?" She almost yelled.
"Your mother's not dead. She had to leave."
"Can you just tell me what I am so I can leave?"
"You're a demi-god. You're mother's not dead. She's a God. She had to leave so she could be with the other Gods up in Olympus. She didn't want you to know about her until the time was right."
"So what you're saying is for fifteen years I've walked around thinking my mother was dead?"
"It was for your own good. But you can still see her, any time you want." I took her hand and set a necklace with a tube full of sand inside, closing her fingers around it.
"Why would I want to see her? She lied. Everyone lied. My whole life. I've lived a lie." She now had tears pouring out her eyes. I could feel them. They were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy. She was happy. But has a hard time showing it.
"Ariana, you also have the power of seduction. Your mother chose it for you. She has been watching you your whole life. She's always been a part of your life, but you didn't know it. And now you do. So go. Talk with her. She knows everything. She loves you. You're her whole world."
"If she had to leave because of that then..I guess I love her too."
"Why don't you go visit her now?"
"I will. How do I go?"
"Hold the necklace close to your heart and think of your mother. You'll be sent there immediately."
"thank you so much." She said, hugging me.
She held the necklace in her hand, pressed against her chest and closed her eyes. In a matter of seconds she was gone.
"All right ladies, you are free to go for the evening. But when you get home, start to pack. You're going to be living here for a while. See you in the morning!" I said as one by one they started for the door to be sent back home.
For the last ones of their kinds they sure weren't what I expected.

Hey, HG, welcome to YWS! I see you haven't had any reviews yet, so I thought I'd give you your first. Is this going to be a short story or a novel? If it's the latter, there's a whole section for Fantasy Novels where you can post the rest of your story.

Anyway, I would divide this up, but lots of my points overlap, so I'll just write it out. I'll try to keep the rambling to a minimum.

I've never seen quite so many different fantasy characters brought together like that. It's an interesting idea, but you have to be careful about the way you execute it. I love the idea of writing from the mentor's point of view for once, as it's always an road never taken in most fantasy stories. However, you've established here that you have seven main characters. That's a lot of development to undertake and a lot of different storylines to keep going. The reason you don't find all of those characters in one story is because each of them has the potential for an entire novel written about them, so if you cram them all in together, you're liable to lose the character depth. I'd advise you to whittle it down to three characters, because if you keep all seven, you're going to have to do a lot of developing before you bring them to this point, and that means lots of planning and lots of thinking out storylines. Don't over-stretch yourself.

This excerpt actually reads like something from the second or third chapter, rather than the opening. It's a bit of a bombshell to start with when we don't know the characters; we don't feel any of their emotions or wonder about their predicament. In short, we don't care enough yet to read more. There are so many hints here as to a good story developing, and Katherine seems very intriguing, but you need to expand a little before you draw us into this situation. At least let the tension build up before the girls understand why they're there.

To do that, you'll need to do a bit more showing rather than telling. There are some great articles on that, so I won't waffle on about its meaning. Basically, it's to do with giving away details when it fits, rather than describing each girl one by one without much variation; showing makes the story interesting for the reader. This is a good basic guide. For something specific to developing characters, try this. Notice that it talks about making your characters "normal", even if it's a fantasy setting; that includes names, and I think your names here are a little exaggerated. Anyway, I hope they help.

Regarding grammar and punctuation, the issue that stands out to me most here is with your dialogue. Many people struggle with punctuating dialogue, but if you're going to write a convincing story, you need to make sure you have it down to a fine art. I'll give you an example myself here because you make the same mistake quite a few times, but then I'll refer you to an article, because there's no point in me correcting your whole piece if you still don't understand the reasoning.

"Only all the time! Swimming is my life. I couldn't live without it." She answered smiling.

"Only all the time! Swimming is my life. I couldn't live without it," she answered, smiling.

I rearranged your wording in the dialogue tag, but notice the punctuation. There's a comma after "without it" instead of a full stop, because the sentence continues into the dialogue tag. In keeping with that rule, "she" isn't capitalised. I also added a comma after "answered", just to break up the sentence. For the reasons behind this, I'll refer you to this excellent article. I apologise if you know all this already, but if not, I hope the article's helpful in clarifying the basics.

I suggest you read your work aloud before you post it here. You can read to anyone, or just to the wall if you're embarrassed; it's the act of reading and hearing your words spoken aloud that will help. You'll be able to hear when you need to pause naturally (i.e. where you need commas) and when your wording sounds awkward (i.e. when you need to reword). It helps enormously and you can get a much better grip on your own writing style.

I didn't intend to come across as particularly harsh in this review, which is why I haven't gone through with a fine-toothed comb and corrected every error. I actually love fantasy stories, and "the reveal" - this type of scene - is always my favourite moment; you've definitely approached it in a very unique way. If you're at a loss as to how to follow this up, just walk away from the piece for a while and come back when you know how you want to edit, and how you want to move forward. Good luck with writing the rest of this, and I hope to see more of your work and reviews on YWS in future. Please PM me if you have any questions or need me to follow up on any of my points.

- Jet.

Omg! First off welcome, second, you're story is so cool! I like it very much, how did you come with it? I cannot wait for the next piece of it, from where I'm sitting, you're grammar is fine, as is you're spelling, everything looks great!

This was amazing!
You should make this into a novel or something. I think that you could make it as a famous writer and I also think that you have raw talent, and that you should use it to your advantage.
About the story:
I liked that there are seven which since ancient times has been considered a lucky number
I also loved that they are seven common creatures found in typical storybooks, so it's easier for people to relate to them and not waste time on Google.Images.
Keep up the amazing work!
Georgie x