The Lonely Warrior

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The wind blew across the barren plains. There was nothing growing on them but several strains of grass. There was a single road across it. Dark clouds drowsed across the sky chased by the cold wind. A lonely warrior strode across the road, raising the dust long undisturbed. His head was bowed down and he walked slowly as if he carried the whole world on top of his shoulders. Dark shadows raced across his face. His thoughts lingered in the past, in the time when he was happy, the time when he had a place he called home. He could see it all: the small, but very beautiful house of his, his even more beautiful wife and his small boy running, playing in the field. Then they came. Mercenaries from the king, bowing to no law except the law of the coin, coming to pillage, thinking they own everything. He easily dispatched them to the other world, but the others pleaded the king to punish this act of “hostility towards them”. The king, heavily burdened from the incoming war, unwillingly exiled him for many years. He was forced to leave without even saying goodbye to his family, never knowing of their fate again. The gods called him in his dreams and said that he must wander the world for ten years, always helping others, not for reward or fame, but for proving himself to them.
Seven years passed since then. He wandered from town to town, form one secluded place to another. Word about him spread quickly, and he had a hard time helping all, for he was forbidden to turn his back to anyone. Then a familiar smell awoke him from his trance.
He could smell fire. In the distance something was burning, much bigger than an ordinary camp fire. He then saw the horrors the flame hid. Ten bodies, man woman and child were lying on the cold ground. Pools of blood drenched across the dry lands, reddening the soil forever. The sight reminded him of days long past, and anger overwhelmed him. He started to seek any trail of the perpetrators of this crime. Then he saw a small trail of blood leading away from the pile of corpses. He walked as though he was possessed by some unknown force that forced him to go forward only. He didn’t notice that he entered a thick forest. His expression was almost frantic. Then he saw them. Three rogues in a small clearing between the trees. In the middle of the clearing a pig was roasting on a strong and wild fire. On one side laid a large bag of gold, some of it spilled in the grass. The light from the fire reflected from the gold coins onto their faces. They looked it all the time, mesmerized and charmed. Near it laid a young woman, a real beauty. Tears were running on her cheeks, her angelic face trembled with fear. She was tied and gagged and her beautiful dress turned into rags form these brutes. Her left arm was bleeding.
The lone warrior felt rage beating the best of him. Over the forest, a thunderstorm was ready to pour itself down. His hand grasped the hilt of his steel sword, his gift from the father of his bride. It shook violently. He desperately tried to control himself, but felt losing the battle. Men like this had him exiled, away form his land, his home, the woman he loved. They would not go unpunished.
A single lightning flew across the sky. When the flash was gone he was at the opposite side of the clearing. A drop of blood fell from the tip of his sword. The three rogues froze in place, their faces grinned with surprise. The bodies fell and their heads rolled in the fire. While their surprised expression melted away from their faces, he came near the woman and cut the ropes binding her arms. Then he strode back in the wilderness, never looking back, to complete his legacy.
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I love this so far though these are just a few things that I noticed.

'A lonely warrior strode across the road, raising the dust long undisturbed.'
For some reason the term 'long undisturbed really annoyed me, maybe if you just 'raising the undisturbed dust' ?

And instead of 'Then they came. Mercenaries from the king, bowing to no law except the law of the coin, coming to pillage, thinking they own everything.'
I think it should be - 'Then the mercenaries from the king came. They bowed down to no law except the law of the coin, coming to pillage, thinking they own everything.'

Instead of 'camp fire' it should be 'campfire'

'Three rogues in a small clearing between the trees.'
It should be something like - 'Three rogues lay in a small clearing between the trees.'
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A lonely warrior strode across the road, raising the dust long undisturbed

Ahh, I loved the "raising the dust long undisturbed"! It really conveyed the sense of loneliness well! I suggest suggest switching "lonely" to "lone", because it makes it sounds more tough, rather than melancholic. But it's really all up to the emotion you'd like to show :)

The king, heavily burdened from the incoming war, unwillingly exiled him for many years.

"heavily burdened by the incoming war"

He wandered from town to town, form one secluded place to another.

Typo; "[...] town to town, from one secluded [...]"

The gods called him in his dreams and said that he must wander the world for ten years, always helping others, not for reward or fame, but for proving himself to them.

I'm not sure I understand why the gods gave your main character this mission. The mercernaries are the ones who did the bad deeds, and your main character was defending himself, so why are the gods "punishing" him?

Pools of blood drenched across the dry lands, reddening the soil forever.

"[...] drenched the dry lands, [...]" No need for "across"

The sight reminded him of days long past,

I liked this. It sounds so very eloquent XD

He started to seek any trail of the perpetrators of this crime. Then he saw a small trail of blood leading away from the pile of corpses. He walked as though he was possessed by some unknown force that forced him to go forward only. He didn’t notice that he entered a thick forest. His expression was almost frantic.

A tad too much show, not nearly enough tell. Remember, "Show, don't tell"! Show us how frantic he was. Readers don't need to have everything told to them. It would be much more enjoyable to read that the main character's "eye were wide in panic, and his breath was coming out in short, frantic gasps" than to be told that "his expression was almost frantic."

He walked as though he was possessed by some unknown force that forced him to go forward only.

Using twice the word "force" is awkward. Try subsituting one or the other for a synonym.

She was tied and gagged and her beautiful dress turned into rags form these brutes.

"[...] her beautiful dress turned into rags by these brutes [...]"

Near it laid a young woman, a real beauty. Tears were running on her cheeks, her angelic face trembled with fear. She was tied and gagged and her beautiful dress turned into rags form these brutes. Her left arm was bleeding.

Writers should all beware of adjectives like 'angelic', or 'evil'. As a reader, I've always found it hard to associate an 'angelic' face or a 'truly evil' face to an actual face. Again, show the readers how beautiful she is. As for the last sentence "Her left arm was bleeding", I suggest not putting it, or adding more meat (aka description) around it. It seems jarring, to suddenly read that her arm is bleeding. It makes it seem as tough her arm is the only thing bleeding or hurt.


On the whole, it was not bad. The whole story seemed slightly rushed. Flesh it out a bit more, and it'll be an excellent story. Keep it up. ;)




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I think this has a lot of potential. There are some typos, but those are easily fixed. Most of the things that bothered me were already pointed out by others, so I won't repeat them. Lets see...at times this seemed a bit choppy-to me anyway. If I were you, I wouldn't try to make it flow more. All the same, I loved the plot. Good Job. Keep writing.




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First of all, thank you for reading. I did wrote it in a hurry, so it's a bit sloppy. I got another one and I'll send it as soon as I can find a working Floppy
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Ooh...I liked it. Do you plan to continue? I think this piece has a lot of potential. All of the errors I noticed were already pointed out, so I don't really have anything to say other than good job.
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There was nothing about this that made me want to read beyond the first few sentences. Your language was very wooden, and there was really nothing about it to distinguish it from the many stories about "lonely warriors." I'm not one who is normally concerned about cliches, a word that I find has lost its significance because it seems like 99% of what is written is riddled with cliches. But I think whatever ideas the writer uses, his/her own personality needs to be put into it. Maybe I'm wrong, but I didn't get that from this. What I saw here is something that is normal for people our age, whether done intentionally or not, is that you were attempting to sound like your favourite authors instead of just following your own feelings.
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I didn't think it was bad, just a little rough around the edges. For instance, does the "lonely warrior" have a name? It gets awkward calling him "the lonely warrior" every time. We get the idea that he's lonely and that he's a warrior. What's his name, though? Even if he didn't reveal it, he could probably have a more idolized name by those he helps. Remember, there's nothing people like more then a celebrity, and they'll give names they think befitting of it. That's my major complaint that I saw others not mentioning.
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Hmm.. Alright, I'm gonna be a little harsh here, but bear with me.

The first few sentences are too short and forced. To be honest, it sounds like a school assignment from a fifth grader. Try combining the sentences to make them flow a little easier instead of making them so short and choppy.

You really need to work on showing instead of telling.. It's a problem I have as well, don't worry. But it makes the story hard to get through with so many descriptions. Readers absorb information better when there's action involved.. You'll have to talk to someone like Mesh who understands the concept a little more than I do.

You have a good plot, I'm sure of that. And your ideas will lead to somewhere great. However, you just have to work on the presentation of this information a bit. As it is now, it feels dry and almost immature. But with a little bit of work I'm sure you can turn this into an excellent story. :)
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So far it has caught my interest. I do agree with the "show, don't tell." Otherwise, I think you have something great in the works. All I can say is follow the advice you agree with, and your story will turn out great.

Is there any specific culture you based this man around?



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