Senseless Love

BenFranks wrote:
Senseless Love.

I feel it fly and fall about me,
But is it really what I see?
To me, it is not.
But to them, to thee?

This is a poem that makes little sense,
Like love itself in a sense,
So grasp of what you can
Understand for you may need
What you so-truly understand.

In the world of love a heart
Is like a bullet of mystery,
Ponder a moment and it’ll go,
Don’t ponder at all and
You’ll miss the show.

I understand that this is senseless,
A rant, a deception, nonsense.
But is this not a description of
What love is and a poem is not,
I don’t ask you to understand;
Merely to grasp what you do
So-truly understand…

Hello Ben, my name is Lukan and I'll review your work today.

First off, since you said you never write poetry, I'll go a bit easy. There really isn't much to correct or revise here.

In your poem, you capitalize the first letter of every line. Contrary to general belief, you do not have to do so. Personally, I find it annoying if a sentence within the stanza takes two lines and is not complete, but the second line is capitalized.
It's not improper to capitalize each line, but you also don't have to.

Other than that, there really isn't anything else to reveiw here. Great work, I loved the idea. I think you have a gift with poetry. You have good sense of rhythm and what flows with what. Keep writing! I look forward to reading more stuff like this. PM me if you add more poetry.

Hey Ben, quick tip. While I was reading this, I noticed you used the word "Sense" or various forms of the word. That kind of threw me off the poem, so you might want to do something about those. Sorry this is so short, but it's 5am and I haven't slept.

Keep writing!

Thanks for the reviews.

Hi, I'm Grin, I believe we've met

Okay, I liked this. It is very confusing, but that's what love is like, right? All over the place.

This is a poem that makes little sense,
Like love itself in a sense,

Exactly my point there. xD

The others above me are right. This is free-form, but not as much as it could be, and love is such an emotional confusion there should be even less structure to this, especially the way you're describing it. The capital letters are irritating, and you have over-used the word "sense". You've got a lot of breaks in this, too, and it might be better without them. I like that you ended it

...

because that's what love is like, never really over.

So well done. This has worked really well, and I honestly loved it.

Hope I helped.
~Grin

Thankyou for your review!

Hi Ben! Sorry for the delay. Dinner and... hum... life got in the way >.<

As you mentioned in the poem, there are some parts that don't, in fact, make sense, when put together with the rest of the poem as a whole. If you keep throwing in these distractions about, the reader won't be able to focus. I do see, that in the end you managed to make it all fit together, and for me, that's on heck of an ending In the end, I really enjoyed this poem, it's simplicity, particularly to how simple the voice of the poem sounds. It's sounds very realistic, like the poem is actually the thoughts of someone that is in love or whatever. So, good job!

Side note: as Hope, the repetition of sense in the second stanza doesn't sound too well, while the repetition of the last line somewhere above, does sound good.

In the end, I really liked it! Thanks for posting!
- Kat

Thanks for the review Kat

Hullo, Ben! June here!

Now, I know this is not what I'm supposed to be reviewing, but I want to get all of my poetry reviews out of the way so that I can focus on fiction later on. Since some things have been covered, I'll just blip and say:


- Rhyme

More a crutch here than a device that pulls you forward, dear. While I like the scheme, it's not even, and while the rhyme is perfect in some places, it detracts from the clarity of meaning, so I would say to go easy on it, make it subtle, less perfect and such forth, and probably work on your meter a little more, okie? See, read this aloud, and if you have to say some words slower/ read some super fast, you've got some ironing to do, dear.

- Repetition

In the second stanza you repeat sense, and I don't necessarily enjoy it. Repetition is a poetic device that can work in some places, but here, I think you need to improve this and get rid of it. Also, this aforementioned stanza would work better as an intro rather than a stanza in the middle.


- Message

I think it's okay. It was overshadowed; rhyme and structure took the greater lead, dear, and you want to be very careful about how you write your stuff, because the message is hidden in the snowdrift, you know? It's fairly decent, but it needs its share of tweaking.

Hope that helps,
June

Haha thankyou Juni!

I'll take in all your reviews if I ever decide to have a crack at poetry again!

Little secret to this poem: It was more of couple of minutes writing some rhytmic vomit than a two hour sit down thinking up a poem, but I wanted my first effort to seem as if I hadn't rushed it to see what you truly thought!

Anyway, thankyou EVERYONE!

Ben.

wow, your poem summerizes a massive swelling of emotion I had for a girl awhile back. It made me sit down and remember all those hours where I sat at my desk trying to put those feelings down to pen. Im not big on poetry, but I really like what you did here and hope you can create more that I like!

Thanks for the positive feedback and welcome to YWS!

Hi ben
I really like this, and for not writing poetry a lot, this is very good
To me, it seemed like this line didnt really fit in with the rest of the poem.
"the world of love a heart Is like a bullet of mystery"

Overall, it was very good, i loved it.
Keep writing

Thankyou for you comment iateyourdogx67!
I'm always looking to improve

Ben!

I thought this poem was great actually. I loved how you explained the confusion and chaos that's sort of involved in love, and how it sort of loses meaning. Another thing is that it broke away from the typical love poem. It doesn't follow the lines of cliche romance junk and was really unique. That's hard to do, so congrats.