Fruitless Life

Adam and Eve ate a fruit.
This fruit gave them what God wished to give to those who pass.
For those who live with all knowledge have less meaning to live.
They have no reason to live because they know everything.
Picture a world where everything is easy for you,
A world where a little child knows the reason for human existence.
Now how does that make you feel, knowing that there’s nothing to challenge you.
Nothing for you to work for,
Nothing for you to fight for,
Nothing for you to love for,
Nothing to call your own for,
Then, once you picture this world.
Look at the world we have now.
A world where those who gain absolute knowledge,
Can’t live amongst the others and must die.
It is a mercy killing. that is God’s thoughts. Because it is.
For in a world where you know everything,
You finally find yourself looking around and you think to yourself.
“I know everything!” you say in glee.
“Yet, I fought for nothing…” You say as you walk on the very fabric of yourself.

Greetings to the YWS community =)

Well, I fail to find any kind of a rhythm at end of the sentences, thus whole piece of work feels like a ... let's say an opinion, philosophical opinion.
The theme you picked up for it though is quite interesting. The only main fact I disagree with is the message it carries. I do not believe in absolute knowledge, so I failed at imagining such a world.
I didn't feel anything pulling me to read this with curiosity to find more, so I'm sorry for a harsh opinion on your work. Keep writing though! With practice comes a good result =)

Kyousuke

Hello! First of all I want to welcome you to YWS. I hope you'll enjoy your stay!

I'm first going to quote your poem with my thoughts in red; I feel that that's the best way to handle this one. Then I'll comment on it as a whole.

Adam and Eve ate a fruit. >This line doesn't really pull me in. It's too short and doesn't really say anything about the theme, doesn't ask a question, or make a setting.
This fruit gave them what God wished to give to those who pass(,)
For those who live with all knowledge have less meaning to live. >Less meaning to live? That doesn't make sense. How about less reason to live?
They have no reason to live because they know everything. >Okay, so here's where you put "less reason to live." But, that's redundant; it means the same thing as the line above it.
Picture a world where everything is easy for you,
A world where a little child knows the reason for human existence.
Now how does that make you feel, knowing that there’s nothing to challenge you(?)
Nothing for you to work for,
Nothing for you to fight for,
Nothing for you to love for,
Nothing to call your own for, >Take out for. That makes no sense.
Then, once you picture this world >There should be no period here.
Look at the world we have now.
A world where those who gain absolute knowledge,
Can’t live amongst the others and must die. >Why must they die? You never say why this has to happen. You keep mentioning reason, but you don't give your own.
It is a mercy killing. that is God’s thoughts. Because it is. >Try "Those are God's thoughts." Why is it a mercy killing? Explain. Also, why would you say "Because it is?" You need to be telling the reader why things happen before they get the chance to ask; however, "because it is" is not a suitable answer for something of this scale! It's the whole point of your poem.
For in a world where you know everything,
You finally find yourself looking around and you think to yourself.
“I know everything!” you say in glee.
“Yet, I fought for nothing…” You say as you walk on the very fabric of yourself.

So this poem didn't really do it for me. First of all, it reads like prose and not poetry. It needs to have more poetic elements and language; use similes, metaphors, be creative with punctuation...poetry is an inexact art, so let yourself wander! Who knows what awesome things you can come up with?

You told everyone what was going on, but gave them no reasons. You didn't show anything. When you write a poem, you have to show what you can, rather than tell. If you paint a picture for the reader, it will be both more poetic, and you won't have to tell because the reader will be able to imagine what you're trying to say.

The few times you do give a reason, it doesn't make sense. Really think about what you want to portray with this. The image you're giving me here is that "all-knowing people have no reason to live." I still want to know why. I need to know why I shouldn't go hunt for that apple and take a chunk out of it.

Also, you mention Adam and Eve. They have both everything and nothing to do with this. Yes, they ate some fruit that made them know things. But you didn't put a good transition in here to show why it matters that they ate it. You're talking about people in general in this poem, not Adam and Eve. What, did all the people in the world go eat the apple? Are you wondering what would happen if they did? Make it clear.

I'm sorry this might sound harsh, but I'm trying to help you become a better poet by urging you to write with a purpose. When you tell a story, you must tell what happens exactly. You have to set up your scenes, your cast of characters, and your plot, and then go through it working to a goal. You have to remember to answer questions readers might have. Keep in mind as you write exactly what you are writing for and about.

You might take this poem, and read it as if you're a reader who's never seen it before.

Another thing is something my Comp II professor told me: read a sentence you've written. At the end, ask yourself, "why?" Then write why. Then ask yourself why again. If you get to a point where you can't ask why because you've explained everything, you're good.

I really hope you can find it in yourself to try this again, because the dangers of omniscience is a pretty good idea to explore in a poem. Once again, I'm sorry if this sounded bad, but I admire your effort. It takes a certain type of courage to post at all, and that's admirable in itself.

Keep trying and don't get discouraged! We're all here to help you.

Kyousuke wrote:Greetings to the YWS community =)

Well, I fail to find any kind of a rhythm at end of the sentences, thus whole piece of work feels like a ... let's say an opinion, philosophical opinion.
The theme you picked up for it though is quite interesting. The only main fact I disagree with is the message it carries. I do not believe in absolute knowledge, so I failed at imagining such a world.
I didn't feel anything pulling me to read this with curiosity to find more, so I'm sorry for a harsh opinion on your work. Keep writing though! With practice comes a good result =)

Kyousuke

not all poem need Rhythm. All my poem works are free verse. I've never been good at rhyming or even putting Rhythm into it.

Welcome to YWS, and 2nd, I like your story. You have a very intuitive writing style, and you really bring your readers into the story. At least you did to me. Also, you have a very interesting premise, which is always a good thing. Writers often see that as sort of a... speed bump, if you will, in their story. Buuut....

Nothing for you to work for, Nothing for you to fight for, Nothing for you to love for, Nothing to call your own for

this is repetitive. If you could sort of, I don't know... cut it down a bit, into one sentence, it would be better. in my opinion. And...

not all poem need Rhythm. All my poem works are free verse. I've never been good at rhyming or even putting Rhythm into it.

She was saying, this particular poem would have been better if you had put rhymes into it. And, to be honest, I felt the same way. Try rhyming! You might be better than you believe. Just try it out. Or, write poems that you don't feel [u]NEED to be written in that sense.[/u
Just keep writing.

I liked it.

Van had all the main errors for me, so I won't go into that. I will agree that if you had some sort of rhythm to this it would have worked better. Rhyming isn't important so much, although it might have suited this, but there needs to be some sort of structure.

I liked the idea, though. You may think "Hmm, okay, Christian girl likes Christian theme", but really, I do like your point on how things would be if we knew everything. You've really captured a way of looking at things that most people wouldn't consider.

So, yeah, well done. I really liked it.

Hope I helped
~Grin