Ever lasting Heart-beat

We walk on our eternal home. We feel as though we will one day live beneath it. You will. It’s easy to live underneath. Yet it’s difficult for those who stray above. For those who live underneath have no need to worry. They live eternally sleeping:
Never to wake again.
Never to see the light of a never sleeping moon.
Never to suck the nectar of life.
Never to love the life they would love to live.
Never to live the life of an ever lasting heart-beat.

Hello again.

This one's got potential. To me, it reminds me of people who hide from everything--from life itself. It seems like you're calling out to these types and saying, "Hey, this is what you're missing." I don't know if that's what you're going for, but poetry means something different for everyone.

I think what you've chosen to write here is very deep and very true.

Of course, there's always work to be done, so I'll try and point out what I think. Here goes:

We walk on our eternal home. We feel as though we will one day live beneath it. You will. It’s easy to live underneath. Yet it’s difficult for those who stray above. For those who live underneath have no need to worry. They live eternally sleeping:

This is a rather large block of text for a poem, and I don't know whether it was on purpose or a formatting error, but it should be broken up for ease of reading. I'd suggest this (I've typed it out in blue to differentiate yours from mine.) Pay attention, because I'm going to suggest some punctuation changes to make it flow better. Remember that you don't have to use periods at the end of every line; you can use whatever punctuation you want! So long as it makes sense, anyway. I'll also suggest word changes. I don't expect you to use mine. I want you to try this again and make it your own, and pay attention to how it flows.
We walk on our eternal home,
feeling as though we will one day live beneath it.
We will. It’s easy to live underneath,
yet difficult for those who stray above,
for those who live below have no need to worry.
They live eternally sleeping:
I changed one of the "beneaths" to "below" so that it didn't repeat itself so much. In your writing, you have to be careful of redundancy, as it takes away from the flow and sounds like it's forced.

This section's got a lot of "Never to..." While some may be okay, you might want to change it up a little.

Never to wake again(,)
or see the light of a never sleeping moon.
Never to suck the nectar of life(,)
to love the life they would love to live(,)
or live the life of an ever lasting heart-beat.

I've made suggestions inside the quote in red here.

There are some things you may want to expand upon. For instance...

What is our eternal home? Describe it a bit? And how do we walk on it? Do we tread, stumble, skip, or stroll? None of those? How else? Find words that are sort of boring like "walk," "talk," "happy," "sad," "live," and in this case, "underneath." Then, you can run them through your word processor's thesaurus, drag the thesaurus off your shelf, or hit up thesaurus.com and find synonyms that you like and that sound good in your work. You want to give your readers a little bit of flavor in your word choice.

Why do we feel as if we're going to live underneath it? Does that mean we'll hide from it? Are we all going to hell? And what actions do we do that drive us to this underworld? Describe.

Why is it difficult for the people living above? And where exactly is above? Is it still on the world, but above ground, or is it off the world completely?

You say "Never to wake again" right after you say "eternally sleeping." If I were to go and sleep in my room eternally, no one would expect that I'd ever wake up and leave my bed, right? So make sure there's no redundancy in your work.

"Never-sleeping moon" is an interesting phrase. The scientific reasoning for a never-sleeping moon would be that the world has stopped turning. Has it? Is there a reason Luna's always awake?

I like the line "Never to love the life they would love to live." It embodies a sense of yearning and has a nice rhythm and almost tongue-twisting, sing-song quality to it. Maybe you can focus some more of the poem about this life they would love to live.

"Never to live the life of an ever-lasting heart-beat." What sort of life does that live? Never to live forever? Does that mean the people above do live forever? This seems heaven-and-hell-ish, to me. I want to know more about this immortal heart.

As I've said, this has potential. The meaning (from my perspective) has piqued my interest. I hope you can use my suggestions and turn this into something wonderous.

Hey!

I loved your poem, but I don't think you had enough rhythm. I suppose that's how it's supposed to be, but the stanza is more like a paragraph, like you pulled the poem right out of a book and just stuck it on here-- not saying that you did, but...

this should help, if you didn't know where to break it--

Abel24 wrote:We walk on our eternal home, [break] We feel as though we will one day live beneath it, [break] You will. It’s easy to live underneath, [break] Yet it’s difficult for those who stray, [break] above. [break] For those who live underneath [break] have no need to worry and they live eternally, [break] sleeping: [break]

--so it looks a little like this:

"We walk on our eternal home,
we feel as though we will one day live beneath it,
you will.
It's easy to live underneath,
yet it's difficult for those who stray,
above.
For those who live underneath,
have no need to worry and they live eternally,
sleeping:"

Also, you have some repetition in there, and now after breaking apart your poem I see it [to live underneath/who live underneath]. I would change this, find a different word, unless you fancied the repetition.

Over all, I really liked the piece, and would like to see it perfected!! Thanks for posting, and please, make more!

Love,
Fixed


PS: I love your details!

Abel24 wrote:We walk on our eternal home. We feel as though we will one day live beneath it. You will. It’s easy to live underneath. Yet it’s difficult for those who stray above. For those who live underneath have no need to worry. They live eternally sleeping:
Never to wake again.
Never to see the light of a never sleeping moon.
Never to suck the nectar of life.
Never to love the life they would love to live.
Never to live the life of an ever lasting heart-beat.

First off, hi. I haven't seen you around here before, it might be because you're new, or maybe because I live under a rock ^.^

So first off, I color coded your poem.
Blue : I have a concern about it
Red: There's a problem.
Green: Well obviously that's good

Blue: Okay so in the first sentence, you say "We walk on our eternal home." To me that sentence, although clever, seems a bit confusing. I took a double take on that sentence, and I assume you meant Earth. Maybe you could choose a different way to go about saying that sentence altogether.


Red: "Yet it's difficult for those who stray above." I think there's no purpose for this line, as in the sentence before it you said "It's easy to live underneath." Maybe if you changed the word yet with and, and maybe get rid of the word it's if you did that.

"They live eternally sleeping." Alright, you had a lot of pronoun variations in the first stanza. You used: We, you, and they. I'm not sure if you're talking about the same people or not. Maybe if you added a bit more clarification to whom you're referring to in each reference, it would make it much more clear.

"Never to see the light of a never sleeping moon." You used the word "Never" twice in this line, it just doesn't flow well and is confusing. Maybe you could change that just a bit.

"Never to suck the nectar of life." I think it would be much more elegant if instead of the word suck, you used the word drink. Suck just seems crude.



All in all, you could improve, and if you did, it would be a wonderful poem. It's certainly not something I've seen before, so I would say it's original, and I liked the theme. Just brush it up again.


Have fun writing ^.^

Hi, I'm Grin.

This was nice. It has a lot of potential, but it was a little short, it didn't quite seem long enough.

Right, you've started this with prose. It needs a lot of work, because that line is far too long for poetry. If you made it into several lines, your poem would look a lot better presentation-wise and it would seem longer, which would be very good for it.

Other than that, people above me have the main problems, so I'll just tell you that with a little work this will be really good, and I'd quite like to see it.

Hope I helped.
~Grin