My first story-- about 1/4 of it, anyway. Part 1.

sorry if there's any random words or comments written in-- my friend was helping me edit.
no title yet.



Humans are curious beings:inquisitive, sensitive, rash. The foolish, stupid creatures think they are superior over all else, engrossed with themselves. Perhaps what disgusts me most is their belief that they are powerful. They are ever so wrong.

“Come on!” Sara’s mom called. “School starts in five minutes!”
Sara sighed, running the gloss wand over her mouth. “Coming!” She yelled back. School, she thought, would be pointless if she wasn’t popular. She loved to watch people cringe as she walked down the hallway, scattering to make way for her, the queen of the school. She walked to the car, a deep blue Saleen S7 Twin Turbo. She felt untouchable, perfect. Powerful, she thought, as the car drove through the metal gates of her house.
West Heights Middle School. Prissy children, running to rooms where they are to be educated. I go now, but only because I am currently a child of 13 and those of that age must do so. However, I find it amusing to watch these young ones form powerful social monarchies, with unspoken rules and boundaries. I am an outcast. But there is always a queen.
New kid today, Sara thought as she walked into the school, surrounded by friends and followers. She liked days like this, where the air seemed charged, and heavy clouds loomed overhead, threatening to burst. She laughed at some one’s idiotic joke, knowing that not speaking would make her look dumb. She tuned in on the office, at the figures behind the frosted glass. The door opened, and there she was. The new kid was a girl. She was plain with shortish brown hair, slightly frizzy. A bit on the pudgy side, but with athletic legs and broad shoulders. Her face was rosy and kind of pretty. Then the girl faced Sara, locking eyes. Her eyes… Sara thought. They were a piercing, dark, electric blue. They seemed to bore through her, and in that single moment, Sara felt that this girl knew everything about her. New Girl smiled. No, not a smile, a smirk. Sara’s eyes closed to a slit. No one smirked at her. No one. And in that moment, she vowed that she would make this girl’s life miserable. After all, Sara was the queen.

My mind flashed, as it does when a problem arises. I turned around. Girl. Human. She was tall, blonde. Muddy brown eyes. Profligate amounts of makeup. I tapped into her thoughts. Oh, this one didn’t like me. Her name was Saraphina. 13 years old. Queen. Excellent. I enjoyed letting the royalty think that they were stronger than me; that I was weak. Once in a while, I would meet an especially annoying one at an inconvenient time, and lose control. Forget how breakable they were. I hoped it wouldn’t come to that here. I walked away, to my new classroom. Her glare followed me.
“No.” Sara breathed.
“What?” asked her best friend Ashley.
“New Girl smirked at me.” She growled.
“Ooo. Another soul to crush.” Ashley laughed, flipping her blonde highlighted, brown hair. Sara hummed in reply. There was something different about this one.
Sara sat at her cheap fake-wood desk, droning out the teacher. She was carving her initials into it with a pen when the teacher said something that actually interested her.
“Class, today we have a new student!” teacher gushed. “Come on up here, dear.” Sara hadn’t even noticed New Girl sitting in the back corner. “Now, sweetie, what’s your name?” Teacher asked, laying her hand on New Girl’s shoulder. New Girl jumped away from the hand like it was electric, earning a few giggles from the students. Sara got the idea that she hadn’t been trying to be funny.
“My name,” said New Girl in a voice like ice, “Is Nerezza.”Everyone hushed. Thunder boomed outside, and a feeling of coldness swept through the room. Nerezza walked back to her seat. Teacher said nothing, but looked rather shocked. What is so weird about her? Sara wondered. Something mysterious. Cold. Dark. Then she saw her opportunity. “A-hem. I would be happy to show Nerezza around the school!” She exclaimed, although she had no intention to. Nerezza stiffened and clenched her fists. Suddenly, Sara’s vision swam, and intense pain shot through her skull.
“Honey? Are you okay?” Teacher asked. The pain faded, and Nerezza slouched in her seat. Sara meekly nodded. “Well, I’m sure that Nerezza would love for you to give her a tour!” Then teacher turned around to write something on the blackboard, and Sara went back to carving.
Stupid, stupid girl! Did she not feel fear, even just a light fondle? She thinks that she is powerful. And this Saraphina will soon find out that she is anything but.

This is very good.

The first criticism: it's way too much posted at once. I read the entirety of it only because it was so engrossing... (kudos for that!) but posts should only be about a 1500 words long, in general, so that people will read what you've written and comment.

I know, it can be maddening, you want to get it all out there, yes.

Now for the story itself.

Number one, it is very original. So many stories on vampires, sorcerers, and the like... this is a new take on an old supernatural theme. I think this is the strong point here.


Also, your plotting is riveting. I think you have the perfect balance of "detail" and "action" sorted out of this particular theme and style.

One piece of advice: try to distinguish between Nerezza's speech and Sara's. Maybe put one of their speech in italics.

Also, there were a few typos here and there, and a few phrases were hard to understand.

I am at the edge of my seat, what was the package?

Also, your style might benefit from a little tune-up in the vocabulary department. But really, this is a very good piece.

My main request is that you must write more!

Keep writing,

-Voxina

Hello, I'm Jayleigh.

Humans are curious beings. They are inquisitive, sensitive, rash. They think they are superior over all else, engrossed with themselves. They think they are powerful. They are ever so wrong.

This is an interesting start, but the repetiton of 'They' kind of made me want to stop reading. Give us a better look at your narrator and tell us what he/she thinks of humans by calling them by bad names. You know? Like, 'The foolish beings think they are...' Maybe?

loomed overhead, threatening to burst.

I don't think there needs to be a comma here.

“Ooo.

There would be an 'h' at the end.

teacher gushed.

The? teacher?

Teacher asked,

Oh. Okay. Keep the T constantly capital then.

Okay, this is definitly interesting. I didn't quite get why you switched POV's. I think you should just keep it on Sara. Just because that would build up the suspence a bit more. Don't you think? Well. I see that you've posted several parts after another. I think you should have waited a bit, to let the story settle in a bit before bombarding the forum with your story.
Good luck with your writing. I intend to read some of your other chapters, so you might hear from me again.

-Jayleigh

W.O.W.

I LOVED this story! It was amazing!

Just a single point! Develop your characters fully. Write a profile about them, name, abilities, date of birth, etc. Try not to have an overly-superpowerful character - everyone will get fed up with her, as it'll end up like every situation your character is in, they will have a way out, and where's the fun in that? It also means that you won't have much to write about, eg:

The car flipped on the highway, crushing Nerezza beneath it, her legs trapped by the steering wheel. (NOTE: we think this could be developing somewhere) Spinning around, she rammed one hand through the roof of the car, pushing it away from the surface, and spinning, pushed the steering wheel up and away from her legs. Kicking through the window, the frame buckling under her feet, she got out and walked away. A single pedestrian stood, lonely, on the sidewalk. It was easy to deal with him. She sent a wave of pain through his mind, and then carried on walking.

See? Boring, isn't it?

Apart from that, however, I loved it!

Keep writing!

Mia x

You did well on this. It kept me interested, though there were a few problems with grammar and spelling.

There are a few problems that you should be aware of. At two points when talking about Nerezza you used the word “electric” – when describing her eyes and when she reacted once to the teacher. When you write your character descriptions, you need to make sure you aren’t repeating yourself, even if the descriptions are spaced out.

Also, as other reviewers have mentioned, you haven’t got much of a system to distinguish between different POVs. In most cases I’d recommend just keeping one – there’s more suspense, and there isn’t confusion. However, Sara is written as a quite dislikable character. Telling the story from her view would make it seem a little pathetic – as she is – and you need a likable narrator.

Continuing a little on that point, I have to say that if you were to get this published (and you may have no intention of that, as many do), then this would probably sold in a children’s market. It is written in a way that would appeal much more strongly to pre-teens than other age groups. I’m not saying this isn’t a good story; I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the fact.

Overall, I think this was very well written. Not much editing is required. Just keep working on your writing!

Thanks! Yes, I know it would be mostly for pre-teens. It does get a little more complex as it goes on, but I wasn't really aiming for an adult age group.

'Ello good citizens of YWS! So, I reallllly want to post the next part of my story, but I could use some more reviews first. So, pleasey please *bats eyelashes* review? Thanks!!!

--Dreamy


p.s. Title suggestions are welcome!!! Actually, more then welcome.

Hi! Since you requested some more reviews, here I am!

Humans are curious beings:inquisitive, sensitive, rash.

You should add a space after the colon.

She laughed at some one’s idiotic joke

Take out the space between some and one's, please.

I enjoyed letting the royalty think that they were stronger than me; that I was weak.

The semicolon doesn't quite fit--I believe it would be better as a hyphen or a comma.

Oh yeah, I noticed some dialogue things. So when you end a quotation, usually periods aren't the best idea. And they can't be used when information follows the actual quotation. For example: "Hey, I'm going to Georgia's party today after school." said Andy. That would be wrong, because there's still a dialogue tag after the quotation. But having periods is OK in examples like this: Anthony smirked. "You think you're King of the Mountain. Huh."

Ooh, this story is very interesting! It was interesting the whole way through; I can't wait to review the other parts! (It might have to wait 'til tomorrow though...I still gotta do science homework! ) Hehe, I especially like the character of New Girl Nerezza. Very peculiar name, but then again, very peculiar girl. If she is a girl. *smirks* Well anyway, thanks for the great 1st part--I'm looking forward to reviewing the 2nd part! (and the 3rd and the 4th and the 5th and the 6th and the 7th....)

I like this story, it's original and new. I just wanted to put out there that Sara seems like a very stereotypical popular girl, and if that's what you were going for than that's fine. I am intrigued to see what happens so I hope you write more.

~A.J

Humans are curious beings:inquisitive, sensitive, rash. The foolish, stupid creatures think they are superior over all else, engrossed with themselves. Perhaps what disgusts me most is their belief that they are powerful. They are ever so wrong.

I agree with one of the previous who posters, who said that this was a rather weak opening to your story. However, it does help us understand your MC more, like we know that she is very cocky. And, where ever she is from, they consider themselves at a higher pane than humans.

However, in your second paragraph, you switch from it being in Nezerra's point of view, to being in 3rd person, watching over Sara (who I'm assuming is the same person as Saraphina)

running the gloss wand over her mouth.

Is this literally a "magic wand" or is it a lip gloss thing? You might want to clarify.

“Coming!” She yelled back.

The "she" should not be capitalized.

School, she thought, would be pointless if she wasn’t popular.

Although this seems a little bit extreme, it gives us good insight to your character. We know that she is also cocky and, probably, spoiled.

deep blue Saleen S7 Twin Turbo.

Wow, do you really think she would own that car? Isn't that a little too... out there?

West Heights Middle School.

I am currently a child of 13

Okay, I really don't think you should make this story be about 13-year-olds. To be honest, even though I was 13 just a couple years ago, I don't take 13 y/o's seriously. At all. And neither will your reader. I'd say make them be between 16 and 18.

New kid today, Sara thought

You need some italics in there.

surrounded by friends and followers.

Okay, I think you are taking her popularity a little too far..

She liked days like this, where the air seemed charged, and heavy clouds loomed overhead, threatening to burst.

Is this literally the weather outside? Or is it a metaphor? clarification is necessary. Also, this seems incredibly random.

some one’s

Someone. One word.

knowing that not speaking would make her look dumb.

Would make who look dumb? Sara or the joker??

The door opened, and there she was

You need to clarify on who "she" is.

She was plain

You say she's pretty in the next sentence.. That's not plain.

She was plain with shortish brown hair, slightly frizzy. A bit on the pudgy side, but with athletic legs and broad shoulders. Her face was rosy and kind of pretty.

Thanks so much for not making your MC incredibly gorgeous! Kudos to you!

Her eyes… Sara thought.

Again, italics are needed to show thought.

They were a piercing, dark, electric blue.

Are you familiar with the Mary Sue Litmus test? It's a test to see how original your character is. There is a whole section focused and strangely colored eyes. That idea is so overused, so cliche now, that its best to leave it out.

They seemed to bore through her, and in that single moment, Sara felt that this girl knew everything about her.

The test also talks about eyes with special powers. I don't know if Nez can actually read minds or not, but I actually think that'd be cool.

My mind flashed,

Again, you switch from 3rd to 1st person.. Not sure if I like it.

Profligate amounts of makeup.

I had to look up this word because I had no idea what it meant. Next time just try extensive. I mean, if the reader does not know what this word is, it could either mean that Sara wears too little or too much make up. With "extensive", there's no question about it.

I tapped into her thoughts.

Oh yayyyyy! mind reading

Saraphina

I like just Sara, humans don't usually get funky names like that. Haha.

13 years old.

Again with the age thing. I mean, these girls probably haven't even hit puberty yet.

I enjoyed letting the royalty think that they were stronger than me; that I was weak.

The "queen" we are talking about here means "queen bee" of the school, correct? I'm assuming that Nez isn't human, so why would she accept the authority of someone over such a mundane thing? Funky.

Once in a while, I would meet an especially annoying one at an inconvenient time, and lose control.

This is a very obvious... Gah, I forgot the word. It's like giving us a hint to what was going to happen later in the story. And its too obvious.

“No.” Sara breathed.

I dunno, it seems a little strange that she would say this out loud. It seems as though she has engaged in more of a mental/internal battle with Nez, if you get what I mean.

“What?” asked her best friend Ashley.

Should be: asked her best friend, Ashley.

“Ooo. Another soul to crush.” Ashley laughed,

The period after "crush" should be a comma.

flipping her blonde highlighted, brown hair.

Choose between "highlighted blonde" and "brown" hair. This is too clunky.

droning out the teacher.

This means that she was making a dull, monotonous, humming noise at the teacher. This also seems very strange that she would do something like that...

She was carving her initials into it with a pen

Is Sara a rebel? I was under the impression that she was a prissy kind of a girl. At least at my school, only the BA kids scratch into desks.

“Class, today we have a new student!” teacher gushed.

Teacher should be capitalized, unless you say "the teacher", which would sound way less strange. And, I don't feel that "gushed" is the right word right here. Try "exclaimed". Much more simple, I like it.

“Come on up here, dear.”

“Now, sweetie, what’s your name?”

Any teacher that talks to her students that way would, at my school, be called a pedophile.

like it was electric,

Try something other than electric..

CodeSelect all

in a voice like ice,

How can voices be like ice?

“Is Nerezza.”Everyone hushed.

There should be a brand new paragraph after ...Nerezza."

What is so weird about her? Sara wondered.

Italics, again.

Did she not feel fear, even just a light fondle?

It seems strange that Nez, who has been so, so cocky, is now scared? Doesn't seem to fit her character. Oh, and please don't use "fondle", it sounds gross if you get my drift.

PM for questions
-Lena

EDIT:
I also feel that Nez's thoughts seem sort of manly. They remind me of the way my ex used to talk, like not using full sentences. Just throwing that out there.

Thanks for the review. Yes, the original version on my computer has all thoughts in italics, but it doesn't work on YWS. And, yes, i know that my whole"popular" view is kinda warped, but i live in a small town, and that's just about how it always goes down. And actually, it's ok if Nerezza isn't all that feminine.... more on that in parts to come! I know i have some serious punctuation issues. Gah!!!! I've gotta work on that.

Hey,

I think this was good and very original but these kids don't seem thirteen. Maybe you could put something like in Nezeera's POV that she was not 13 but just trapped in a 13 year olds body. This was really refreshing with all the story's of vampires and wereolves and wizards and crap. Your really good for 13, well Im 13 too but compared to most 13 year old writers I know your reaally good! Nice job, PM me with more if you can


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Losing Weight (formerly Chocolate :p)

This is really good!! I can't wait to read the other parts. I don't have much to say, because everyone else before me said it all!

Hey, i thought i should give you a review, well, here you go.

Humans are curious beings:inquisitive, sensitive, and rash. The foolish, stupid creatures think they are superior over all else, engrossed with themselves. Perhaps what disgusts me most is their belief that they are powerful. They are ever so wrong.

This paragraph is a good start, the things in a different color i added. This makes me think of humans as if i wasn't one, which is good.

“Come on!” Sara’s mom called. “School starts in five minutes!”
Sara sighed, running the gloss wand over her mouth. “Coming!” She yelled back. School, she thought, would be pointless if she wasn’t popular.

Maybe say why it was pointless if you were not poplular?

She loved to watch people cringe as she walked down the hallway, scattering to make way for her, the queen of the school. She walked to the car, a deep blue Saleen S7 Twin Turbo. She felt untouchable, perfect. Powerful, she thought, as the car drove through the metal gates of her house.

Ok, now this is where it gets ugly, i hope you don't use this in the rest of the story. For a second there i thought you were 18 and you were about to drive the car. You didn't say anything about the driver, which just confuses readers like me. Saleen S7 is awesome BTW.

West Heights Middle School. Prissy children, running to rooms where they are to be educated. I go now, but only because I am currently a child of 13 and those of that age must do so. However, I find it amusing to watch these young ones form powerful social monarchies, with unspoken rules and boundaries. I am an outcast. But there is always a queen.

The sentences i colored doesn't seem to fit it, either you add it somewhere later of before. you are the writer, it;s your choice.

New kid today, Sara thought as she walked into the school, surrounded by friends and followers. She liked days like this, where the air seemed charged, and heavy clouds loomed overhead, threatening to burst. She laughed at some one’s idiotic joke, knowing that not speaking would make her look dumb. She tuned in on the office, at the figures behind the frosted glass. The door opened, and there she was. The new kid was a girl. She was plain with shortish brown hair, slightly frizzy. A bit on the pudgy side, but with athletic legs and broad shoulders. Her face was rosy and kind of pretty. Then the girl faced Sara, locking eyes. Her eyes… Sara thought. They were a piercing, dark, electric blue. They seemed to bore through her, and in that single moment, Sara felt that this girl knew everything about her. New Girl smiled. No, not a smile, a smirk. Sara’s eyes closed to a slit. No one smirked at her. No one. And in that moment, she vowed that she would make this girl’s life miserable. After all, Sara was the queen.

Perhaps adding "The" before New kid today.
This, again, doesn't make sense, at the beggining of the paragraph you mentioned that there was a new kid, then why later does she say that she is a girl? Hadn't she known already?
Again, perhaps adding "The".

My mind flashed, as it does when a problem arises. I turned around. Girl. Human. She was tall, and blonde. Muddy brown eyes. Profligate amounts of makeup. I tapped into her thoughts. Oh, this one didn’t like me. Her name was Saraphina. 13 years old. Queen. Excellent. I enjoyed letting the royalty think that they were stronger than me; that I was weak. Once in a while, I would meet an especially annoying one at an inconvenient time, and lose control. Forget how breakable they were. I hoped it wouldn’t come to that here. I walked away, to my new classroom. Her glare followed me.

This paragraph is ok, I suggest in lengthening the sentences a bit, but its OK. Words in blue i added, words in red mistakes.
Change 13 to thirteen.

New Girl jumped away from the hand like it was electric, earning a few giggles from the students. Sara got the idea that she hadn’t been trying to be funny.

I don't think this is correctly written, try changing around a few words, but again, you are the writer.

“My name,” said New Girl in a voice like ice, “Is Nerezza.”Everyone hushed. Thunder boomed outside, and a feeling of coldness swept through the room. Nerezza walked back to her seat. Teacher said nothing, but looked rather shocked. What is so weird about her? Sara wondered. Something mysterious. Cold. Dark. Then she saw her opportunity. “A-hem. I would be happy to show Nerezza around the school!” She exclaimed, although she had no intention to. Nerezza stiffened and clenched her fists. Suddenly, Sara’s vision swam, and intense pain shot through her skull.

Voice like ice? Try using a voice as cold as ice.
I think shocked for the teacher is a too strong word, but its your choice if you intended it to be that way.

“Honey? Are you okay?” Teacher asked. The pain faded, and Nerezza slouched in her seat. Sara meekly nodded. “Well, I’m sure that Nerezza would love for you to give her a tour!” Then teacher turned around to write something on the blackboard, and Sara went back to carving.

Then should be when.

Over all, it's, a big boring, try getting more characters and action between the two MC's. This is a good try for a first story. Good job, keep this up.

~Ahms.

Thanks, everyone!