In the Beginning

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In the time before mankind came to be, before even the Earth was made, there was Sun Father and Moon Mother.
In that time before measure, Moon Mother blazed as brightly as Sun Father as they danced in the endless ocean that became sky. For a long time, they were content in their solidarity, satisfied with drifting aimlessly together through the infinite expanse of sky. In time, however, and quite suddenly, Sun Father began to wonder if there were other beings like him and Moon Mother.
This line of thought distressed Moon Mother, and she asked Sun Father why he had begun to wonder such a strange thing. Sun Father replied that he was simply curious, that he wondered what it would be like if he and Moon Mother were not alone. Soon after, Moon Mother began wondering the same, and so she and Sun Father began to search the empty sky for others like them.
Much time passed as Moon Mother and Sun Father searched and searched, yet never found another like them, growing discouraged and weary. As time passed by without measure, Sun father and Moon mother gave up and resumed their aimless drifting.
Discontent with their isolation, Sun Father again formed a new and strange idea. He began to wonder if he and Moon Mother could create others like them. Again, Moon Mother was hesitant at first, but again, she began wondering the same, and so she and Sun Father came together to create another, and thus was the Earth born.
However, neither Sun Father nor Moon Mother foresaw the great cost creating the Earth would exact, and when they both did realize, Sun Father pulled away, but it was too late for Moon Mother. The birthing of the Earth greatly diminished Moon Mother, dimming her brilliance to but a pale hinting of what it was, and she fell into a deep and impenetrable slumber. Sun Father, filled with remorse and guilt, hid away on the other side of the Earth, unable to face the one he had abandoned.
As Moon Mother slowly recovered, Sun Father cared for the Earth, granting the gifts of warmth, light, and fire. With his guidance, the Earth, being both male and female, was able to bring forth life of its own in the shape of plants and animals. However, these first creations all perished for lack of sustenance, and the Earth greatly mourned their loss.
Hearing the cries of her child, Moon Mother roused herself from her slumber and granted to the Earth the gifts of water, air, and the means to measure time’s passing. With Moon Mother’s gift, the Earth was at last able to sustain life of its own.
Many years passed uneventfully as Moon Mother and Sun Father watched over the Earth in turns. For a while, the Earth was content with creating creatures of every shape and form conceivable, colored and drab, helpful and harmful. In time, however, the Earth grew lonely and longed for an equal with which to share its creations. The Earth beseeched Sun Father and Moon Mother to create for it a counterpart, and after much initial resistance, both Sun Father and Moon Mother relented and created the First One.
The First One was taller than the tallest mountain, broader than any river, as fair as Sun Father to look upon, and as kind as Moon Mother. Like the Earth, the First One was both male and female, but unlike the Earth, the First One could not bring forth children of its own.
However, although Moon Mother and Sun Father had been careful in their creating, and even though Sun Father had taken upon himself the brunt of the creating, Moon Mother had never fully recovered from the birthing of the Earth and so diminished further, flickering in and out of existence.
Despite Moon Mother’s plight, the Earth and the First One were happy. For many years, the First One walked upon the Earth, appreciating and tending to its sibling’s creations. Unfortunately, the diminished state of Mother Moon had resulted in the First One being mortal, and so the First One grew old and died.
As Moon Mother shed tears that became the First Stars, and then the First Rain, and as Sun Father flared with mournful anger, the Earth heaved violently with grief as it desperately tried to breathe life back into the First One. And though the Earth failed to bring back its beloved sibling, it breathed enough life into the First One’s remains that the body fell apart. From the pieces scattered across the Earth arose the First People, male and female, to take the place of the First One, their presence calming the Earth and easing the grief of Sun Father and Moon Mother.
Thus was the world created.

---

Nitpick away! :D
Last edited by Kale on Wed Jan 26, 2011 6:27 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Great job! I like the way it's written, but their are a few errors:

With is guidance, the earth, being both male and female, was able to bring forth life of its own in the shape of plants and animals.

It should be "with his".

Also, it should be "the cries of her child,".

Hearing the cries of here child, moon mother roused herself from her slumber and granted to the earth the gifts of water, air, and the means to measure time’s passing.

Other than that I liked it.

~Tayla




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I love the way it's written. It sounds very archaic and like an old fairy tale, which I suppose was the effect you wanted. The whole piece is very cleverly thought out and I especially liked the explanation of the first human. It sort of combines Creationism? with Darwinism and the Big Bang Theory, in that creation isn't immediately perfect. And besides that, it's very separate from all of those ideas.

Why did you choose not to capitalise father sun and mother moon? Even as celestial bodies they are capitalised. It just seemed like an odd choice to make, especially as you use them like names.

In the time before mankind came to be, before even the earth was made, there was sun father and moon mother.


That's the only nitpick I have. Why 'was'? Something tells me it should be 'were', but that actually sounds worse than 'was' in terms of the flow.

Anyway, I really liked this. It's very original and well written, and your style perfectly fits the subject. It sounds like almost like a Greek explanation for creation though, or Babylonian... even better. :D
Last edited by Jetpack on Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Thanks for pointing those out, Tayla. They've been fixed. :D

And besides that, it's very separate from all of those ideas.

Whee! Success! X3

Why did you choose not to capitalise father sun and mother moon? Even as celestial bodies they are capitalised. It just seemed like an odd choice to make, especially as you use them like names.

Well, if you think about it, capitalization is the result of the usage of the Latin alphabet. The Greeks, Babylonians, Egyptians, Chinese -- they all have different systems of writing which do not necessarily use capitalization (or even punctuation). As this culture does not use the Latin alphabet and instead uses a pictographic writing system, I figured that the lack of name capitalization would add to the overall mythological/ancient feel. Plus, it looked ugly. XD

That's the only nitpick I have. Why 'was'? Something tells me it should be 'were', but that actually sounds worse than 'was' in terms of the flow.

Because the earth is in the singular and not the plural. You say "I/he/she/it was" and "you/they were" for the same reason.

Thank you both for the feedback. :D
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I really love this story. I always liked creation tales, because they involve unimaginable lengths of time and power. This has many similarities to a story I started to write a while back. (and never finished!) It was very original and interesting, without being super complex.

The only thing I didn't like was the repetition of 'Father Sun' and 'Mother Moon'. I would have suggested, for the beginning, to think of a shorter version of these names. (Sun and Moon being ridiculously obvious choices!)

Other than that, I truly loved your story! :)



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Hey Kyllorac,
Everyone else got the nit picks. I was just browsing through the "old" pages of YW and stumbled across your story. I wanted to let you know I really enjoyed it, A LOT! I mean it almost sounded like those Indian "myths" about how the world began only different if you catch my drift. Bravo on originality. I mean not a lot of people would come up with something like that to write about. You kept it to the point, not 10 pages long, and kept the reader with you every step of the way.
Great Job.
~Dakota
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Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

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I really like this. It immediately captured my attention when I began reading it, which I and many other readers look for in writing. I enjoyed the fact that you created another point of view into how the Earth came into existance.




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I agree with kladi, it is a great alternate point of view of how the earth came into existance. Probably, what I like most is the way it flows like something from a mythology book. Brillant. You seem to be a talented writer. This is very good. There weren't many errors the ones that have been pointed out were all minor things. Overall good job with this piece I don't think there is anything else to say.
Maith adh,
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"No life is forever. We found and fought here. We loved and died here... The crops whither and the bones of hunger walk the sunken roads... The land has failed us... In dance and song we gift and mourn our children. They carry us over the ocean in dance and song.
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Hey there, Kyllorac!

Here to review. :3

In that time before measure, Moon Mother blazed as brightly as Sun Father as they danced in the endless ocean that became sky. For a long time, they were content in their solidarity, satisfied with drifting aimlessly together through the infinite expanse of sky. In time, however, and quite suddenly, Sun Father began to wonder if there were other beings like him and Moon Mother.


Perhaps the only things that I have noticed are the repetitions of words. If you reread again this part, you have used "as" three times in a row and "time" twice in a paragraph, which I don't think is a very good thing. Not only that but I would also like to talk about your adverbs. Sometimes an adverb is just about right in a page, so try to refrain from using them or relying on them too much. Especially that this paragraph is very close with the opening line.

And with addition to that, you might also want to replace a word like "wander". It seems to be all over the place. I know there are lots of good words that can substitute that. :3

Overall, this is really good. I'm impressed with your creative imagination. You have written this well so I thank you for the good read. I hope this helps and PM me for any questions. I would apologize in advance because I have been a very observant reviewer. (cause I'm just cool like that. haha) 8D

Peace out.

~yuriiko

EDIT: What the--?! I just could not believe it. You wrote this last year? How come? I didn't notice the date. I swear. Now I feel so stupid. *head/desk*

Yes, you can ignore this. Can you just pretend you didn't see this? Thanks. XD
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Ah, how many times I've tried to get my own creation stories off the ground... :)

This was reeeeeaaallly good! I have no real nitpicks; it flowed very nicely and kept the fairy-tale/fable tone consistant all throughout. I thought it was interesting to have the First People come from Earth's sibling rather than from the Earth itself, or even from the Sun and Moon (though, I guess they did, indirectly). It's a very original idea, and you made it work very well! I can't wait to read more!

(I see that you've written only one more... I hope that isn't the end of it!)
"Children see magic because they look for it."
- Christopher Moore




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Sun Father began to wonder if there were other beings like him and Moon Mother.
This line of thought distressed Moon Mother, and she asked Sun Father why he had begun to wonder such a strange thing. Sun Father replied that he was simply curious, that he wondered what it would be like if he and Moon Mother were not alone. Soon after, Moon Mother began wondering the same


The verb "to wonder" is used too many times here, perhaps you could replace it with "to ask oneself" or other.

Other than this, I loved it. I like reading this kind of stories about the creation of the world, you got me into it. :)
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