A Cristmas story (the gift)

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This is my first short story in years, so please give me some pointers how to improve!! This story is somewhat historical, but it doesn't really have a set year/time. It's also based on O. Henry's short story "The gift of the Magi" (which I myself have never read, although I should and I will just as soon as I finish my own story. Don't want to plagiarise you know!). Anyway, enjoy!!

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It was a very cold day in late December. The snow had been falling steadily for more than a week, and despite the store clerks’ attempts to clear some of it away, it was still piling up in front of the doors, making it hard for customers to get into the various shops to complete their Christmas shopping. A young man, just a mere clerk himself, was wandering up the main street. Sometimes he would stop and look inside a window, but nothing seemed to keep his attention long enough for him to go inside. His name was Thomas Clem and he was a good and hardworking man who had many loyal friends and a warm-hearted woman to love. Sadly enough, the thing he did not have at all was money.

Thomas was born into a very poor family, and destiny had given him few cards to play when finding a path in life. His employer was a grumpy, old merchant who counted every penny twice and would not let go of it if he could help it. Usually this fact did not bother Thomas much, but today of all days, this one fact was crucial to him. He was going to buy a present for the woman he loved, Emily. She was a flower-girl, very ordinary looking, and although brighter than some she was just as poor as himself. Nevertheless, to him she was the most beautiful and kind creature there was. He had fallen for her the very minute he saw her, and from that day he had tried to give her the best of what he could give. Therefore he knew that her present had to be perfect.

He tightened the grip around the few coins in his pocket. What should he buy for her? What could he buy for her? It had to be a special gift that she would love at once, a gift that would paint a smile on her pearly white face and make her green eyes shine like emeralds. He pictured her face once again, and went stubbornly on, determined to find something worth giving. For every window he passed, he tried to imagine what she would say when given the present. Thomas knew she would be happy for anything, but he really wanted to find a thing she would truly cherish. Should he give her something sweet, a caramelised apple, perhaps? Would the sugary fruit melt on her lips and make her heart warmer, would the pleasure last long enough to enjoy, or would it be gone too soon? How quickly would the taste go away, leaving the tongue wanting and the tummy not even briefly satisfied? No, it was not enough. The present should give pleasure for more than a day. Perfume perhaps? But without money to buy one that smells of newly picked roses, corrupting her natural scent with something cheap would be a felony.

Consumed by these thoughts he wandered on, not noticing where he was going or whom he was passing by. Before long, he had walked away from the head street and into one of the many side streets of the town. He found himself standing in front of a little antique shop, “Barclen’s”, looking inside the window not really expecting to find anything of interest. Just as he was about to look away something caught his eye. A comb was lying neatly on an old, white dresser. The dresser itself was massive and looked more like a wooden storage box than anything else, but the comb was special. It was silver with red, shining stones and a picture of a phoenix. As soon as he saw it he knew that this was the gift he had been looking for. Excited about his discovery, he hurried inside towards the dresser and picked up the precious item with trembling hands. He examined it closely, letting his fingers stroke over the brush head and follow every line of the phoenix’s picture. While he was looking at it, the shopkeeper had come down to greet a new customer.

“Good day, young man”, said the shopkeeper, “I see you have found something to your liking?” “Indeed” replied Thomas, “this comb is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I have to buy it for my dear Emily at once! “. “Very well”, the shopkeeper smiled, ”that will be £10 pounds.” Thomas flinched, £10 pounds, it was outrageous! He had been working for six months to save up for this day, and still, all he had in his pocket now was £8 pounds 75 pence. Six months of lifting boxes and delivering meat from the butcher to the store. Six months of putting up with mean, old Quigley, and all for nothing. The only gift he wanted to get Emily was out of limits. Thomas sank down in an old, straw chair and almost started weeping. He knew that the comb would cost him a fortune, but he never thought that it would cost him all he had. More than he had. When he received the last payment, he counted it time and time again, joyful for what he had earned. He had even imagined buying some bread for the dinner table, and maybe warm socks as well (as the winter was getting colder and the old ones were soon to perish), now he realised what a fool he had been. It was not £8, 75, but only £8, 75, not nearly enough to buy anything.

As Thomas was thinking all this, the shopkeeper, noticing the sudden change in the young man’s appearance, asked if everything was alright. “Do you want me to wrap it for you sir?” he asked. “No, yes…I mean, just wait a moment” Thomas stuttered. He thought about what to do for a moment. He had to have the comb, that he was sure about, but how could he convince the storekeeper to let him have it for so much less? “Do you not want it then, sir?” the shopkeeper asked persistently. “I do, I do. I really do! But I don’t have enough to buy it.” Thomas replied.

The shop door opened and a lady came inside. Brushing off the snow she noticed the young man sitting hopelessly in a chair and her husband standing over him. Walking up to them she asked “What’s wrong, Harold? Why is this man so miserable?”. “He wants the duchess comb, but has not got enough money to buy it” her husband replied. The woman looked at Thomas puzzled; “Why do you need a comb like that, your hair does not need care like that.” “I want to buy it as a Christmas gift to my beloved Emily. Her hair is long, and bright like sunlight. She would appreciate it so, and I just want to give her something as a token for my love” Thomas said without looking away from the phoenix.
The lady smiled and addressed her husband once more; “Harold, let him have it. Do you not see what pain you are inflicting on his poor soul? Give him a bit of happiness! It is Christmas, after all.” The shopkeeper looked at Thomas’ hopeful eyes and said; “No, it’s still £2, 25 short. I would be glad to help him, but I run a business after all”, and with those words the shopkeeper took the comb from Thomas’ hands, put it back down on the dresser, turned around and walked towards his desk. The young man slowly rose from his chair and made his way to the door. When he had almost opened it, he turned around again and asked; “What if I pay it off?”

Thomas walked out of the antique shop in pure bliss. As he was strolling past the beauty salon, clinging to the brown-paper wrapped comb, an old homeless woman standing outside suddenly approached him, blocking his way. “What do you have there, boy? Is it bread for the Christmas table, or maybe some candles?” she asked pointing at the bag. Her face was filthy and her breath was vile, he flinched and took a step back. “No” he replied, “it is neither food nor candles, but a present for the girl I love, Emily. It should be of no interest to you”, he tried to walk around her, but she was persistent in her ways and would not let him go. “A present, hey?” she said. Thomas was amazed at her bluntness and thought to himself that she looked a bit suspicious, as though she knew a secret. “What could you possibly buy her with the money you have?” she asked, with a smirk on her face. “I have saved up money for this day, so that I could give her the perfect gift. Today I found it – a comb for her beautiful, long, brown hair” he said proud. “You spent all your money to buy her a comb? You fool!” she said and started laughing very hard and loudly. Thomas was stunned and angry, how dared she laugh at his token of love? “What do you know, old hag?!” he shouted, “you have never loved like I do, and you will therefore never know why I have spent my money on this gift. It does not matter to me what it costs, as long as she is pleased with it.” With those words he pushed her aside and walked on. The woman kept on laughing as he walked away, he could hear her all the way down the street, but he did not care for he had in his hands the perfect gift.

The evening came and Thomas made his way to Emily’s house. He was holding the comb; it was neatly wrapped with a big bow. She opened the door and welcomed him with a big embrace. A scarf was covering her hair. He went up to her and asked why she was covering such beauty. “I cut it off and sold it to the wig-master” she said, blushing. “But why?” he asked, “you hair is so wonderful, why would you ever cut it?” “To buy a turkey for dinner” she replied with sadness in her eyes, “I wanted it to be a gift for you”.
Save the earth...it's the only planet with chocolate ;)




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Hey there!

The Gift of the Magi is a wonderful short story! Your story resembles it too much for me to have enjoyed your writing without comparing it to the other well known version of this story. And because I ended up comparing it, your story lost its own appeal and I could clearly spot the short comings as I knew what to compare it by.

Few suggestion as to how you can improve your writing:

Areas you need to pay attention to:

>Dialog
>Characterization
>Descriptions

Dialog

I felt that your dialog was too forced. The words did not seem realistic or natural. I felt as if I was reading a children' bed time story or something. You need to capture the essence, the soul of your character in his/her speak. Each time your character opens his/her mouth, the words that come out should reflect his/her personality. Also try and describe the motions and feelings of the characters through their dialog, rather than to explain them and spoon feed them to us. Let us, your readers do some reflecting. So if a character is upset, show us he's upset through his speech, don't tell us by stating so in an uninteresting manner.


Characterization

Make your characters unique and realistic. Know them inside out and when you know them inside out, their speech will automatically reflect their personalities. Part of knowing them inside out, is to know their weaknesses, their strengths, their likes and dislikes, how they relate to other characters and the world around them, etc. And make them realistic. To you they should not be mere made up people to help you make up a plot, but they should be real people, have real lives, and relate to other characters realistically. For example, when the old hag interrupted Thomas, he explained that it was a comb he had bought, for the love of his life, even going on to name her. That's not very realistic. All he really needed to do was snap at her to leave him alone, or treat her very rudely like a normal man during that time, under such circumstances would have done. He sounds like a timid, weak child, by the way he acts and talks. He needs gumption! I think you tried to make us pity him and make him look hopeless, but instead he came across as very pathetic.

Description

You have many times explained that Thomas loves Emily very, very much. Yet, as your reader, I still didn't feel the devotion, the unwavering love like I wanted to. It wold help if you contain some flash backs in your story where the two characters are together and we can see how they relate to each other how much in love they really are,

Description should immerse your reader into your story. I should feel as if I myself am Thomas and I am walking through the streets on a snowy day. An I agree, that is not easy to do at all. I myself struggle with giving just the right details and using the right descriptions. And I see that you're struggling with that too.

Here's a helpful tutorial about description written by a YWS member.

viewarticlebody.php?t=33840


Overall

Grammar wise, I noticed no problems. Your words flowed smoothly and I could fully comprehend your story. So kudos for that! Just brush up on your dialog, characterization, and description and you're good to go. I understand you have written this story after a long time of no writing. So, you're writing is probably just a little rusty. The best thing to do is to keep writing and reading.

I hope I was of some help.
-Zehra
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Thank you very much for the review and the link, I'll be sure to pay attention to those parts a bit more :D
Save the earth...it's the only planet with chocolate ;)




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I like the plot, but it needs just a bit of fixing. First, the title should be more interesting, and second can you make the hook more catchy? 'It was a cold day in December' doesn't really get my attention. Also, like mizz-iceberg said, the dialogue is too forced. Let your character go wild! Let Thomas take over the story. Plus, make the paragraphs shorter. Its gets a bit confusing with everyone talking all at once. Besides that, it's really good. But this is your first story in years, so I should lay off a bit. :D




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He was going to buy a present for the woman he loved, [I'd suggest making this a colon.] Emily.


I'm going to pause here, at the end of your second paragraph and just suggest that you give us different details about Emily. So far, this isn't anything out of the ordinary. You have a nice, easy to read style and your grammar is good but already Emily could be anybody's perfect girl. You don't want that. You want her to be Tom's. Think of more original details that he might like about her and they don't have to be things that other guys would pick up on. He might like the way she snorts when she laughs or how she wrinkles her nose when she isn't being honest. It might even be something as simple as the perfume she wears.

It was silver with red, shining stones and a picture of a phoenix. As soon as he saw it he knew that this was the gift he had been looking for. Excited about his discovery, he hurried inside towards the dresser and picked up the precious item with trembling hands. He examined it closely, letting his fingers stroke over the brush head and follow every line of the phoenix’s picture.
I don't understand why he is excited. That doesn't seem the right emotion. Does he have the money for this gift? No. Of course not. It's lovely and he should know he won't be able to afford it. When I've seen things I haven't been able to have, I've felt desire and wonder but it's been bitter at the same time. I've barely dared to touch such objects sometimes and other times I've brushed just my finger along the edge and made myself turn away. Think carefully about what you want to show of his character and make his action more dramatic and personalised. Excitement just doesn't seem to cut it.

“Indeed” replied Thomas, “this comb is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I have to buy it for my dear Emily at once! “.
Remove the random full-stop here and uh... is this guy stupid? People who don't have money should always know the rules of bargaining and that starts with don't show interest. I'm afraid I can't like such a stupid man and this makes him feel very flat. Don't be insulted, please. Your narrative style is beautiful and I have thus far enjoyed the plot (but have not read what it is based on so no comment there). It's just that it seems a shame to have a nice story revolve around a dull pair of characters.

“Why do you need a comb like that, your hair does not need care like that.” [O.o Come on, you must be kidding me. It's an easy presumption. Make your dialogue realistic. You want to have Thomas talk about Emily, yes? Well have her ask him if it's for a sister or a wife or have her ask him if one of the lesser combs might do. That would be more fitting.] “I want to buy it as a Christmas gift to my beloved Emily. Her hair is long, and bright like sunlight. She would appreciate it so, and I just want to give her something as a token for my love” [I meant to comment on this earlier. Your punctuation surrounding your dialogue is a little odd. You should have a comma after love and before the end of the speech marks and you should not have full stops after one set of speechmarks and before the next. It isn't needed. Let me know if this doesn't make sense and I can explain more thoroughly what I mean.] Thomas said without looking away from the phoenix.


Okay so overall, I enjoyed reading this but I must say, your character irked me a little in places and the pace was a touch fast. I see that the reviewer before me has brought up description so I'll only add that I'd like to know more about the store he buys the comb at, more about the old hag and certainly much more about the shop keeper. There's your interest. He struck me as being more real than your other characters and I'd like you to draw out the sale of the comb a little. I'd love to hear what agreement they reached for working it off. That would show the true extent of his love and also the harsh reality of a business run world. And I want it to be shown that women really did not have a place then, not even with their own families. She's compromising his sale with her foolishness so send her off, send her upstairs and out the way so the men can talk. Also, where's the proof that the promised labour will be fulfilled? A trusting man is he not. That doesn't strike me as in character. I'd rather see him demand items in return as well and then at least he does not lose full value if the man disappears.

Other than that, nicely done. I'd love to read an edited version if you get around to making any changes so let me know. And good luck with your next piece =)

Heather xx
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