A nice winter swim

A nice winter swim.The snow has just fallen,
So fluffy, so nice.
I go take a walk, I fall through the ice.
Its cold and untelling,
Not reavelling at all.
Its crunching my insides,
My ribs my heart and more.
Im trying to be patient,
Not wanting to squirm.
It takes me down down down,
Under the water. Its attacking me,
Like I would a monster.
My lungs need air, I’m cold as I swear.
I cannot last much longer, he wants me home.
Who wants me home? Do you want me home?
No.no. its him. The one who kills saves and decides,
What happens in both yours and my life.
So long farewell, I might see you again.
I just hope its not like my untimely end

I liked the account, but I have a little thingy to say. Perhaps you could say why he's jumped into a frozen lake to die? Why is he not wanted at home? Also:

No.no. its him. The one who kills saves and decides,

This should read:

No, no, it's him. The one who kills and decides.

Or:

No. No. It's him. The one who kills and decides.

Capitals my freind! Otherwise, I liked it! Keep it up

I think is poem is good but it could be SO Much better.
I feel that I understand your poem but you could have used different, more descriptive words that would make me feel more connected to what the person in your poem is going through. When I read it, I did not feel like my insides were crunching. And the point with poetry is convey the feelings over to your readers.

Keep it up. Think more descriptive! This can be really really good.

Wonderful!! Wonderful!!! hey u should write 1 about chinese food haha no srrysously me super board idc where u r TEXT ME AND OMG I CANT WAIT TILL WESTMINISTER im soooo sad that theirs no comps!!

TrinLovesU wrote:A nice winter swim.The snow has just fallen,
So fluffy, so nice.
I go take a walk, I fall through the ice.
Its cold and untelling,
Not reavelling at all.
Its crunching my insides,
My ribs my heart and more.
Im trying to be patient,
Not wanting to squirm.
It takes me down down down,
Under the water. Its attacking me,
Like I would a monster.
My lungs need air, I’m cold as I swear.
I cannot last much longer, he wants me home.
Who wants me home? Do you want me home?
No.no. its him. The one who kills saves and decides,
What happens in both yours and my life.
So long farewell, I might see you again.
I just hope its not like my untimely end

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