Gulvorian Tales

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[pre]The River Teyber meandered through the Gulvorian Forest like a giant serpent through untamed marshland. At the forest’s edge, water cascaded down eroded bedrock and tumbled into a shallow pool below. High walls of rock encompassed the pool at either side, confining the roars of rushing water. This little haven was home to many varieties of wildlife, all of which found comfort and safety in the tranquil water and steadfast rock. Man was rarely seen here. Those who sought to fish the river did so downstream, and villagers who came to collect water rarely travelled this far south. A quiet refuge was thus maintained for the few who did journey here.

They were glad to hear the babbling waters. The day had been uncompromisingly hot, and now that they had arrived, all three headed straight for the welcoming oasis before them. Shoes were kicked off and shirts left to hang upon nearby branches. Then came the splashing of water and shouts of joyous relief. The coolness that greeted them soothed aching limbs and replenished tired minds. The labours of the day could be washed away here, and troubles forgotten. They laughed and yelled, feeling their spirits invigorated. On other occasions they would jump from the high rock faces above, but today they were content merely to paddle about.

The eldest of the three now moved slowly toward the falling water. He was tall and his build suggested one who had laboured hard over the past few years. His hair was cut short with a little stubble appearing about his chin. The others glanced in his direction, but did not follow. They instead began jabbing and pushing at each other, until one fell. The other then proceeded to hold his friend’s head under water until he submitted. Although all three had now passed sixteen and therefore come of age, they still enjoyed these childish moments. In the village they were expected to think and act like adults, but here they could allow themselves such foolish pleasures.

Orsiga Freorir stood before the cascading waters. The air was cool and inviting. Then he plunged inside, allowing his senses to be engulfed. The din of rushing water seemed to open his mind to thought, for he always came here during times of uncertainty. It was here that he could forget all pains and responsibilities. The fresh waters that now swept over his body provoked new perspectives and ideas. The simplicity of nature brought to him a fantastic clearness of vision.

A sudden movement from beneath him caught his attention. A hand had latched onto his ankle and now pulled with great force. Unable to resist, Orsiga fell backwards immediately. He now found himself between the bedrock face and falling water. He looked up as the others burst through and appeared on either side of him. They were laughing now, mocking their toppled friend. Orsiga smiled but said nothing. He stretched out an arm to each of them, gesturing that he wished to be pulled up. They obliged this silent request, and grabbed onto his wrists. But without warning, as Orsiga took hold of their arms, he heaved them down will all the strength he could muster. Both fell instantly, apparently taken off guard. It was now Orsiga’s turn to laugh, and he did so in loud, hearty tones. The others soon joined in once more, all lifted in high spirits.

As the light began to darken, they strode onto land and collected their garments. It was an hour by foot to the village, and tonight they had a grand feast to attend. It was to be held in honour of the village chieftain. The tribal council had elected Nodric Amarine into office over forty years ago, and now he was revered as the oldest and wisest ruler in the southern territories. Despite the declining health that advanced age now brought him, he still retained the shrewd nature and cunning that had nurtured his rise to power.

The three lingered by the pool a little longer. Orsiga stood a good head taller than the others. Edi Geirrson was, by comparison, a rather diminutive young man. He was also a little overweight, a fact that could quickly agitate him if provoked. He brushed strands of wet, straw-coloured hair away from his eyes and knelt down to put his shoes on. Standing next to him was the slightly taller Grinwald Sturluson. He was wiry and his arms appeared too long for his body. His hair, like Orsiga’s, was black in colour but he had not yet developed any about his chin. When all were ready to depart, they slowly moved toward an opening in the rock face.

There was staggered conversation as they began the journey home.[/pre]
Last edited by ata87uk on Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:09 pm, edited 5 times in total.




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hi ata

this is so amazingly written i couldn't find much to say about it.

At the forest’s edge


i didn't understand this though i don't have a suggestion to change it.

This little haven was home to many varieties of wildlife, all of which found comfort and safety in the tranquil water and steadfast rock.


after this sentence maybe you could say what type of animals live there.

A quiet refuge was thus maintained for the few who did journey here.


you could descripe these people more, even if you don't want to name them.

other then that there was amazing description and a great setting.

well done.

*fairy*




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Thanks for the review. Well I'm not sure I see what's wrong with "the forest's edge" to be honest. The waterfall is to be found at the edge / periphery of the forest. Also, I'm not sure it's necessary to mention the animals since they are not of any real importance. But I will consider your points.


Thanks a lot :P




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Firstly, I don't agree with what fairy had to say.

Secondly, I think it was written well and you did a good job at building the imagery.

I got the impression while reading this though that it was the sort of story targeted at a younger audience, a heart-warming, cosy story, like some sort of 19th century... English... countryside... you know what I mean.

That's OK if the target audience is younger, and it's also OK if you're deceiving the reader because the tone is about to darken, but if it's the latter I still think you could make the style itself a little more mature.

ata87uk wrote:The River Teyber meandered through the Gulvorian Forest like a giant serpent through untamed marshland.


I know you're trying to paint an aerial view of the river, but the use of the word 'marshland' made me think of an actual marshland, which was distracting/confusing. That might just be me.


ata87uk wrote:High walls of rock encompassed the pool at either side, their hard surfaces reverberating sounds of falling water.


I think several things should be done to this--

It could be made shorter, more efficient. You don't need to tell me that rock walls have hard surfaces. I feel like 'reverberating' is too technical, and that 'sounds' of falling water is too general.

I suggest something like:

The roar of falling water resounded within the high rock walls that encompassed the pool.

ata87uk wrote:They were glad to hear the babbling waters.


I think you should be more specific here, eg. "the three boys were glad."

ata87uk wrote:Shoes were kicked off and shirts quickly removed and left hanging upon nearby branches.


I'm telling myself I'm surely being picky, but I don't think upon is comfortable in that sentence. I think hanging from or just hanging on work better.

ata87uk wrote:On other occasions they would jump from the high rock faces above, but today they were content merely to paddle about.


Content merely to paddle about sounds like what some eccentric rich woman would say of her poodle in the pool.

How about something like, they were content simply to drift and relax? I know that's slightly different to what you were trying to say, but I just don't like the wording.


ata87uk wrote:He was tall and his build suggested one who had laboured hard over the past few years. His hair was cut short with a little stubble appearing about his chin. The two others gazed upon him for a moment but did not follow. They instead began jabbing and pushing at each other, until one fell. The other then proceeded to hold his friend’s head under water until he submitted. Although all three had now past sixteen and therefore come of age, they still enjoyed these childish moments. In the village they were expected to think and act like adults, but here they could allow themselves such foolish pleasures.


Several issues with this one.

- his build suggested a man rather than suggested one; one just seems to impersonal.

- stubble appearing about his chin? Awkward/weird sentence. He could have a rough patch of stubble on his chin, for instance.

- The two others gazed upon him... Gazing upon is for crystal balls. "Watched him" works better.

- The other then proceeded to hold his friend's head... I think you should get rid of "proceeded," it sounds out of place in the sentence, too formal/technical; like 'reverberating' earlier.

- allow themselves such foolish pleasures. I felt like that paragraph was told from the perspective of the characters, therefore it didn't seem right that they would think of their behaviour as indulging in 'foolish pleasures.'

ata87uk wrote:The simplicity of nature brought to him a fantastic clearness of vision. A sudden movement from beneath him caught his attention.


One moment he's relishing nature/reflecting/etc and then something unrelated (the movement) occurs, but the way you have written it does not change the tone; it seems as if the sudden movement is connected to his earlier thoughts/feelings. Suddenly, he was torn from his thoughts, for instance.



ata87uk wrote:A hand had latched onto his ankle and now pulled with great force. Unable to resist, Orsiga fell backwards immediately. He now found himself between the bedrock face and falling water.


The first 'now' is enough.


ata87uk wrote:They obliged this silent request, and grabbed onto his wrists.


Just: "grabbed his wrists."

ata87uk wrote:It was now Orsiga’s turn to laugh, and he did so in loud, hearty tones. The others soon joined in once more, all lifted in high spirits.


I can't provide you with any actual logical reasoning for this, I just don't like the and he did so in loud, hearty tones. The loud and hearty bit is fine. Just the "he did so."

It was now Orsiga's turn to laugh; a loud, hearty sound, and the others quickly joined in. They were now all in high spirits. Sounds better to me.

ata87uk wrote:As the light began to darken, they strode on to land and collected their garments.


Strode onto land is another awkward one. They climbed out of the water?


That was all just structural stuff. My comment on the piece's lightheartedness is just personal preference; I can't criticize you for choosing that content.

Again, written well, I got a decent impression of the characters with strong, silent but mirthful Osriga, the leader of the group, and his two more immature friends, who he nevertheless gets along with well.

The sanctuary/retreat-ness of the pool/waterfall was also developed very well.

Write more. I'll read it.




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Thanks a lot for the comprehensive review. I've changed a few things around and taken on some of your points. I will continue adding more when time allows (I'm busy with the pre-Christmas assignment rush at the moment)

Thanks a again



The only person I know for certain I am better than is the person I used to be.
— CandyWizard