The King Contest

Whenever the King died and had no sons to take the throne, a contest would happen. The contest was that the man who got the most wives had a higher chance of having a son, so that man would become king. Kel was a man trying to become king. He approached a girl who could hover, she was hovering. He never met the girl before.
“Would you marry me?” He asked.
“Ha! You have to find out what I like first. The Asian girl and the witch are my friends, you can get advice from them!” Kel went up to too the witch, Winter to get advice from her.
“Winter, what does Lawrence like?”
“I can’t tell you, that is for you to figure out.” Kel found a rose and went to Lawrence and gave it to her.
“Oh! Your so sweet, getting closer.” She smiled, and kissed him on the cheek before hovering away.


Kel came back the next day.
“What do you want?”
“A tree!” He left and came back hauling a baby tree.
“Here.”
“Thanks!” She took the tree and planted it, she came up to him.
“Will you marry me now?”
“Yes.” He took her back to his home, it was the size of the palace. Kel was a billionaire.
“When do you want the wedding?”
“Today, in five hours.” Kel nodded and left his home and approached Winter
“What does the Asian girl like?
“I will tell you, if you propose to me!”
“Will you marry me?”
“Yes.” He did the same with her, took her back and left her to get ready for the wedding in six hours.

He gave the Asian girl flowers.
“Will you marry me?”
“Yes.” He did the same with her, took her back and left her to get ready for the wedding in seven hours.


Five hours later Kel waited for Lawrence to show up at the wedding, and then she did.
“Do you wish to take me as your husband?” Kel said.
“I do.”
“Do you wish to take her as your husband?” A different man said.
“I do.”
“I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride.” They kissed and Lawrence left, then Chelane, the Asian girl walked up to Kel. Everything was the same as with Lawrence, after they kissed Chelane left and Winter came. After Winters wedding was over, slaves escorted Winter, Chelane, and Lawrence to their own rooms. They all went to sleep in their private rooms.

Well that was fast. Interesting story idea -- definitely not what I'd expect. Not saying it's not good, because, with some tweaking, it could be great.

“Would you marry me?” He asked.
“Ha! You have to find out what I like first. The Asian girl and the witch are my friends, you can get advice from them!” Kel went up to too the witch, Winter, to get advice from her.

You need to draw this out more. Why do these girls so willingly accept his proposal? How is this a contests? You need to give us more details. I mean, woud he really give them everything they want, simply to marry them? Why does he want to be king?
Please clarify.

I had a hard time following who was who. Identify the characters and their names more. SeraphTree had good points about the logistics too. Otherwise it seemed sound to me, although not very involved. Provide more plot and I think it'll really soar.

Blue

Well, I think this is more a fantasy thing, but apart from that I didn't really like it. It's very simple, and I don't believe it's been written to it's potenital.

Try making it longer, and add some conflict. Description doesn't hurt, and more explination.

This could be quite good, so I'd say work on it.

Moved to Fantasy Fiction.

Hey there FireArris.

Personally, I would keep the opening statements, because it is quite a clear explaination as to what is happening and to be honest, I quite liked the idea lol.

What really let it down was that you made little attempt into expanding the idea. The relevance with the wedding and the opening statements was quite muddled, because there was no transition between those two parts of the story and it felt as though you are jumping into the story right away.

Lastly, characterize your characters. They are flat as at the moment. Show us her actions, what is she thinking, how is she dealing with the situation etc etc. They feel like robots at the moment.

Andy

This is really good.
It seems like quite a well written fairy-tale. Did you mean to make it like that, or should this be a full story?

I felt like this was really rushed. Why do all of these girls agree to marry him? Just because he gave them gifts? There must be more behind it. Also, maybe you could give the characters a little bit more description? It's really hard to make out what the people look like from the lack of your description. Overall, this story has potential if you put more time and thought into it.

Well, Keep Writing!!

--Jalmoc

This is a *really* old topic, from over 3 years ago. Locking it. =/