The Red Road Home

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Doors that had remained closed for decades creaked open.

Light spilled into the ebon chamber, etching from the darkness a double row of tall pillars, a high black altar--

--and a corpse.

It was an emaciated, maggot-white sack of bones. A noose coiled around its broken neck, the head cocked at a grotesque angle. Empty eye sockets stared out from a gaunt head, the lips drawn back in an eternal black-gummed snarl.

Through the split doors strode a man, tall, lithe and sure of foot; a silhouette carved out against the burning white daylight. He approached the corpse torn between both fascination and disgust, but he was wise enough not to disturb it. For a moment he stared, as if to clarify some mystery, and then with haste he sought about the chamber, looking behind pillars and beneath the disturbing tapestries that lined the walls. The room was barren and he found nothing.

“Another hollow myth,” he spat. “This man is long dead.”

“I am not dead,” whispered a gravelly voice, “but nor am I alive.”

A brief pause betrayed his surprise. “Then you are Unundu," he said to the cadaver.

“Yes,” Unundu replied, the word little more than a hiss. “And you are Valoc Oreon.”

Valoc ignored the petty sorcery. He had encountered it before. But there was more than simple tricks to Unundu; he had only to look at him, a living corpse, caught forever between life and death, to know that.

“I have heard many tales of your powers. I want you open a gateway to another universe,” said Valoc, who still felt strange openly discussing an idea he had, for most of his life, considered heretical. But his inner ruminations were quickly forgotten when Unundu suddenly erupted into laughter, so dry and harsh it seemed hardly laughter at all, but with such gusto that his limp body rocked grotesquely back and forth.

“So of all avenues you chose Unundu the Charitable?” mocked the corpse with a terrible, rotten grin. “Tell me, traveller, in your strange, faraway land, do blacksmiths forge swords for pauper knights? Do harlots, Valoc Oreon, spread their legs for stinking, undesirable men out of the kindness of their hearts? Is this the utopia you hail from?”

Valoc endured Unundu’s baleful tirade calmly, silent all the while; he was little troubled by the warlock’s venom. Humiliation was of little concern to a man who traded in steel and blood.

“What do you want in return?” he inquired.

Unundu wore a wry smile, or as close as he could come on his withered face. “Throughout my lifetime I created a number of books to store all my knowledge, lest it be forgotten with the passing of years. When Lord Bellore of Carchoros made my end, he took with him several of these. He is no doubt long dead. Bring them to me.”

Valoc considered this. “Is there no other choice?”

Unundu answered with naught but silence.

Valoc grunted and stalked from the chamber. His footsteps quickly faded, and soon even their echoes dwindled to nothing.



***

This is the prologue to a short story I am partway through writing. Unfortunately, as you would know, talent in writing is particularly subjective and therefore I have little idea as the quality. So, racked with uncertainty as I am, decided to post this.

If you took the time to read it, thank you, I appreciate it.
Last edited by Lancrist on Sun Oct 07, 2007 11:14 pm, edited 10 times in total.




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You're welcome. ^_^

First of all, weird spacing.

Second, this was well written and interesting! :D

Third,

Through the split doors strode a man, tall, lithe and [s]deft[/s];


If he was doing something definite you could use deft. As it is, I'd nix it.


He approached the corpse with equal parts fascination and repulsion


This reads awkwardly. Perhaps something like, He approached the corpse with an equal mix of fascination and repulsion.. And I think revulsion would sound better than repulsion.


“I am not dead,” whispered a gravely voice


I'm not sure if that's spelt right. Did you do the spell check?



“Yes,” Unundu replied, a drawn-out hiss.


Either add this onto the first bit of the tag, or nix it.


“I have come here in the hopes you will show me a way from this plane to another,” said Valoc...


Plane? ("It's not a plane, it's an aeroplane!")

Plane = plain?


--

The only thing I'd say more is that your writing is leaning towards the archaic.

Unundu answered with naught but silence.


I sincerely dislike archaic style like this, but it is your own choice whether or not to write like that. Just don't overdo it, if you do decide to stick in the archaic. :)
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Thanks.


whispered a gravely voice -- apparently Microsoft Word denounces the existence of gravel.


plane = plane

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plane_%28metaphysics%29

However, since it seems a bit obscure, I can use a synonym.
Last edited by Lancrist on Fri Oct 05, 2007 11:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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I liked this, my only gripe would be the spacing, but i see the kind person above me has already touched on that point. I am left intrigued, which is good ^_^. I will be sure to read more if you post it ;).

P.S: You have no reason for 'uncertainty' this is good.
I mean, there was a serious international effort to say to Saddam Hussein, you're a threat. And the 9/11 attacks extenuated that threat, as far as I-concerned." --George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 2005.... lol -.-




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Well... I edited the post and now my beloved indents are gone and won't come back, so I guess the problem is solved.

Thanks.




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I did promise to critque this and so I will. When I first read it, I noticed this was very well written. I like how you use adjectives to create intruging effects and descriptions.

Next, I liked how you structured your dialogue. It really makes the characters come alive and adds more interest in the conflict which is presented in the prologue.

I think the prologue could had been a bit longer though to explain what is happening. I want to know more damn it lol. You could had explain more man -.-

Overall, a well written prologue, but make it longer for all that is good.
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very nice. scary, but nice. then again, i scare easily lol. and i'm watching the Ghost Whisperer right now. so anyway. great start, looking forward to reading more! i would edit but ShadowTwit touched on everything i saw.

p.s. I like the title :D

~Sunny
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

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Hello,

I don’t think I ever critted anything of yours. No, I don’t think I did. It was the title that made me want to read your story, and when I did, I thought I’d write you a crit Anyway, thanks for posting your work on YWS!


Quote:
A noose coiled around its broken neck and its head hung at a grotesque angle.

Just because your writing is good and I am a nitpicky person: You have ‘its’ two times, and there are ways to get rid of it. Do so, and thou shalt save the world.

Quote:
“I need you open a gateway to another universe,” said Valoc, who still felt strange openly discussing an idea he had, for most of his life, considered heretical.

The part: ‘(…) felt strange openly discussing (…)’. It confused me a bit, had to reread it. It’s a bit awkward, in my opinion, as if a word was missing out. I don’t know, though.

Quote:
Valoc grunted and stalked from the chamber.

Okay, no one said anything about it, so I’m ninety-nine percent sure I’m being paranoid, but can someone stalk from a chamber? This isn’t even pickiness, I just don’t know. PM me, ok? Cause no one will tell me, :)

And then here’s what I did not post up above because it has nothing to do with it’s-an-awkward-sentence-or-there’s-some-error-in-it:


Quote:
Doors that had remained closed for decades creaked open.
Light spilled into the ebon chamber, etching tall pillars and a high black altar from out of the darkness.

My advice to you is to delete the ‘enter’ up there, and make it all stand in one line. That way your next sentence (the very powerful bit about the corpse) will stand out and be emphasized much more.


Okay, so I’m done with the quotes and the oh-so-boring grammar issues. This is an interesting, well written piece that really drew me in, and it’s a pity it’s so short. J You’re characters are, in my opinion, unique, and I don’t think I’ve anything quite like this before. So, a point for uniqueness, and another for style - I think I like it. Oh, the archaic ness of ‘naught’. Always loved that word.

As I said, it was short, but I think everything that you wanted said and known had been said and known, so I don’t think I can grumble about wanting more to be said and known, now can I? Also, you managed to make your characters come alive and be more than just black letters on white, so character development is more than good. The world-building went well, too.

I hate it when I have nothing negative to say about a story, don’t you? Will repost if I come up with anything else. Again, thanks for posting!

Keep up the good work,
Elein




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In response to the critique above, one can most definately stalk from a room or chamber.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the mention of archaic style. This is an excellent example of writing. Your words and actions flow seemlessly, the characters are well-defined, and your description of the living corpse was wonderfully unique.

He paused, the only indication of his surprise, and only then for a moment. “Then you are Unundu.”

This phrase seems unfinished, and left me feeling dissatisfied. I think the line needs assertion, for lack of a better word.

The only other thing I'd like to mention refers to the very beginning.

Doors that had remained closed for decades creaked open.

Light spilled into the ebon chamber, etching tall pillars and a high black altar from out of the darkness.

And a corpse.


I'd like for the last two sentences to be placed together, because the short sentence provides all the emphasis you need. Something other than "and" should be used, probaby a word that's used in reference to the light. "Illuminating a corpse" ?




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Thank you everyone for your advice and comments.


I know that on its own it is quite short, but it will be fine with a story following it. I'm currently working on that -- but it might be a while before I get the first part up (out of about 6), considering my limited computer access.




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Hey! Great Subject! I really liked how it caught me when you said

"a corpse"

Anyway, I was a little confused when I read the next part, and it went like,
"but all that remained were bones."

Isn't a corpse a dead body? I didn't know that bones were visible. Anyway, I really liked the idea, and keep writing! I loved the mystery involved in it, and all of the description.




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What's wrong with the spacing?
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I found this to be interesting and had a very eerie feel. Your word choice was keen, especially for your characters. I can't find anything to really point out. Very nice piece, good hook, nice for a beginning of a story.




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I liked your piece, especially the undead corpse. It just added a great sense of creepiness. I don't see why people don't like your spacing. It seems fine to me, and I use that same format. While you use some words that didn't fit, I think you did a really good job. Keep writing!
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I disagreed with a great many of the proceeding posts -- your spacing is fine, plane really is supposed to be plane (ignorance is bliss?), and there's nothing wrong with saying "its" twice, especially since you don't do it often. You are a far better writer than you give yourself credit for; don't let someone else tell you how good or bad you are.

My only complaints are with:

Doors that had remained closed for decades creaked open.

Light spilled into the ebon chamber, etching tall pillars and a high black altar from out of the darkness.

And a corpse.


It's bad luck to start with a conjunction! I completely understand what you're going for, though. Try something like this: Light spilled into the ebon(y) chamber, etching tall pillars and a high black altar from out of the darkness--and a corpse.

Rereading that, there's actually a lot more to be done. Ebon --> ebony ... and etching is too physical a term to apply to light, which is technically a wavelength, not an object of dense mass. Try "pulling" instead of "etching," but it's still awkward, so you might consider just rearranging the statement.

Oh, and one more thing -- you could try introducing the the character earlier, with no detail, like a silhouette in a horror movie. Doors that had remained closed for decades creaked open before him.

I think it'd add to the sense of impending doom. :] If that's what you're going for, I mean.

I loved it -- it was *very* good.
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