Elena Maionsa - Cinq

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My mother marched back to the house with me in her arms and a firm grasp on Adel's wrist. He stumbled along behind her, trying to keep up with the fast pace and holding tightly the letter in his hand. I watched him from over my mother's shoulder, with curiosity and awe.

A pair of sandy brown ears protruded from the top of his head in two small pointed peaks, surrounded by his mop of blonde hair, which was ruffled and messy. Ocean blue eyes lit up his face, that was smeared with dirt, just like my own, and he stood tall for his age, nearly taller than my mother.

"What are they going to say this time? Oh for goodness sakes Elena; must you run away at every second available?" My mother grumbled a little as we neared the main doors. I sighed a bit and clung to her a little tighter, knowing this wouldn't be the only lecture I'd receive.

"And as for you," she said looking around to Adel with a look of slight curiosity, "We'll have to wait and see. I may be the leader, but control isn't of large capacity in my mind." She sighed and pushed open the oak door, leading him into the large entrance hall and setting me down on the tile floor. She held a hand out to Adel and he placed the letter in her palm crumpled into a ball nearly. I could just make out the italic print on the front.

Maionsa

"Now, Elena won't mind showing you around. I'm sure we can put you up for a few nights in one of the spare bedrooms. God knows there's so many here." My mother looked up to the high staircase, eyes distant. It wouldn't be until I was banished from the coven that I'd find out; she hated it here, just like me.

I watched my mother walk to a door and push it open, voices escaping into the entrance hall as the coven elders bickered amongst themselves. Then the door was shut.

I scuffed my plimsolls against the tile floor quietly, fidgeting with my small red cloak and watching my toes. I was shy, I'll admit it. I'd never met another boy out of the coven before and this one seemed so... interesting.

"My name is Adel." I blinked and looked up, to see him smiling at me.

Like any child whose found a new play mate, I became my usual playful self again and I smiled back, moving my hair from my face to realize the absence of my beret. Ignoring this for now I ran across and took his hand, pulling him along upstairs to show him my fathers office. My favorite place to be; the place to learn my magic and to read books the others wouldn't dream of even opening.

"I'm Elena. This is my daddy's room. He doesn't use it anymore but I like it. Lots of books." I smiled brightly keeping hold of his hand and showing him around the small room, pointing at certain books with the best spells in. "Mummy keeps it ready for when he comes back." I let go of his hand and jumped into a chair, picking at the dirt on my knees. "I don't think he's coming back though..."

"I don't know where my parents are. They sent me here..." He blinked a little and knelt down on the floor, wiping the dirt from my knees carefully. "But I don't mind. Especially when I bump into little witches." He smiled at me and I smiled back brightly.

I stopped grinning when I heard the rumble of footsteps traveling up the stairs, ever closer. My face pale, I slipped from the chair and fidgeted with my cloak anxiously.

"What's wrong?" Adel ask, looking at me from the floor.

At that moment, Uncle Silo stormed in with my mother and brother in tow, a look of pure despair on her face as my brother smirked alongside her, leaning back against the door frame.

"Young lady, I've had it with you and your trickery! We provide a roof over your head, food in your stomach and how do you repay us; by running away and bringing back... a mutt!" His voice exploded around the room and made me cringe.

"But Uncle Silo, he's not a mutt... he's Adel." I mumbled miserably and pleated my cloak hem in between my fingers adgitatedly.

"I won't have you back chatting me, you stupid little girl." I flinched a little and watched the spittle fleck his lower lip slightly. This had been the worst lecture yet. "And why are you in here may I ask? This room is strictly forbidden you know that! Anna, you know very well the concerns of her being allowed in here." My Uncle wheeled around to my mother, who blinked, startled and stood tall.

"Silo, I trust my daughter and I trust this young man too. I'd be happy for you not to object to everything I do, I'm the head of this house, not you." My mother looked uncomfortable, able to stand up for herself, but not enjoying it. The man before her growled and shook his head.

"I will not allow this, your daughter takes after her father. She cannot be trusted, and if you think that, then neither can you. I am calling a hearing later on tonight. The boy can stay here tonight, then he can be moved to the old cottage out back. As for the girl..." He stormed over to me and took my wrist firmly, pulling me along, ignoring my protesting. I looked to my mother pleadingly, but she did nothing just sighed and looked away.

Five minutes later, I was sat on my bed, cheeks stained with fresh tears of hurt; not pain. I heard the key rattle in the lock and knew wouldn't be leaving here for a while. Then I heard a second key and realized; daddy's office was being locked. It dawned on me, they were taking this escape seriously. Why?

A piece of paper clipped under the door and I blinked, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand and kneeling down beside the paper, picking it up to see neat print.

Let's play hide and seek tomorrow
Adel


I smiled a little and hoped I'd be out by then to play with my new friend.
Last edited by GingerLizzy on Tue Sep 25, 2007 8:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hmm, I really must read the first parts of this... bug me about it, will you? :)

Overall, very sound and enjoyable. Just a few minor thingies.


My favorite place to be; the place to learn my magic and to read books the others wouldn;t dream of even opening.


That's a typo: wouldn't. It's best not to use contractions if you can help it.


MY face pale, I slipped from the chair and fidgeted with my cloak anxiously.


Small letters - another typo.


"...by running away and bringing back.. a mutt!"


A half finshed ellipse! Instead of dot-dot-dot, you've just got dot-dot-space. ^_~


His voice exploded around the room and made me cringe a little.

"But Uncle Silo, he's not a mutt... he's Adel." I mumbled a little and pleated my cloak hem in between my fingers a little.

"I won't have you back chatting me, you stupid little girl." I flinched a little and watched the spittle fleck his lower lip slightly. This had been the worst lecture yet. "And why are you in here may I ask? This room is strictly forbidden you know that! Anna, you know very well the concerns of her being allowed in here." My Uncle wheeled around to my mother, who blinked a little and stood tall.


I like using the phrase a little, but repeating it too much too close together makes it redundant.


Those minor tweakings aside, this was very good! Very good indeed, in fact. It definately makes me want to read more. It's simple, but it's got something attractive about it. Very nice. ^_^
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Okay, thanks Twitty ^^

I totally just edited.
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I liked this. I was kind of curious about the ears on Adel, though. Nothing else of his features seemed to stand out, so it made me think of a cat's ears.

Maybe the fact of him being a 'mutt' will be explained more in the next blurb. :) Other than that massive curiosity, I'm content.
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This was another good piece Liz.

It wouldn't be until I was banished from the coven that I'd find out; she hated it here, just like me

Perhaps a slight re-wording here?
It wouldn't be until I was banished from the coven that I'd find out that she hated it here as much as I did.

He stormed over to me and took my wrist firmly, pulling me along, ignoring my protesting.

Protesting seems wrong....maybe change to protests.

I looked to my mother pleadingly, but she did nothing just sighed and looked away.

Re-Word?
I looked to my mother pleadingly; she did nothing but sigh and look away.

"What's wrong?" Adel ask, looking at me from the floor.

*asked

Overall, very well written and only a few mistakes from what I could see. I can't wait to see what happens.

Keep it up,
Alainna
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Oooof, i really like this whole story.

I like the flashback you use.

Maybe this piece should of been along with the fourth part...so that the flashback was alltogether? But that's just my opinion. I really like the descriptions and everything.

The story is developing very well indeed.


Anyways, i am waffling on now like normal...


Great job, keep it up and such. :)


x
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