Run Home, Mary

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We see the demon’s head. Twisted horns. Shattered teeth. I tread lightly and step over small dust piles at its base.

“Is he human?” she asks me.

“No, Mary. Once perhaps, but no longer.”

We pass the stone ungulate and move on down the sidewalk. Two blocks later and we happen upon another. It stares at me this time and in its eyes I spot a glimmer; fire, perhaps.

“Is he human?”

“No, Mary. None of them are.”

She shivers. It is cold.

We continue down the street. We must make it home before nightfall; curfew falls soon.

We spot a man, a constable. He pulls a lantern from beneath his cloak. “You two. Where are you headed?”

Mary screams. The constable turns toward her.

I know his thoughts. “She frightens easily,” I say.

Mary screams again.

“Possession?” the constable asks now.

“Certainly not.”

“Imbalance?”

“No.”

“Handicap?”

I hesitate. “Yes.”

Mary screams again. She tries to run, but the constable catches her arm.

“Not handicapped!” she yells. “Not handicapped!” She swings at the constable wildly.

“For God’s sake, Mary!” I grab her away. She settles, but is breathing hard. I need to get her home and in bed.

“I’m sorry, constable. She never acts like this, I swear it.”

He stares me down. He’s reluctant; he’s unsure.

“My mother is Eileen.”

“Eileen Godwinson?”

“Yes.”

He exhales. He’s relieved. “You two best get home then, before curfew starts.”

“Yes, sir.”

We go off. He puts the lantern beneath his cloak.

Grover’s shop is around the corner. He sells old wares. Mary says hello to him most every day, but he is not there tonight. We are later than usual. And it will be curfew soon.

We are nearly home now. I spot another demon. This one smiles at me. His teeth aren’t shattered like the others. I try to keep Mary from seeing him, but she is surprisingly strong. She eludes my grip.

She runs. She disappears. She reappears. She is gone.

I panic. The demons scare me too, but I know they are not real. They are only fixtures on this hellish street. Mary doesn’t see things the way I do. They are very real to her.

I find her cowering in a wet alleyway. She is crying. Her tears add to the puddles.

I try to console her. She realizes it’s me and I help her stand. We make our way back to the street.

The wind picks up. We can barely go forward. “They are false, Mary! They are idols made of stone!”

She nods. I am unsure if she understands.

Another constable appears. He removes his lantern. The wind blows it almost on its side. The rain paints it.

“You two!” he shouts. “Halt!”

I cover Mary’s brow with my hand. The rain stings.

“It is curfew,” the constable says as we near him.

“Our home is right there,” I lie. I point to a white apartment complex. He looks in that direction.

“Come with me,” he says.

We follow him. He leads us away from the complex.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

“You are past curfew,” he says. “Come with me.”

He moves forward. We stand in place.

“Follow me!”

He puts the lantern forward to get a good look at us. It is then that I see his eyes; fire and brimstone.

“Run home, Mary!” I yell. She is already down the street.

“Fool!” he screams.

I try to run, but he trips me up. I fall to the ground. My face hits concrete.

“Call for her,” he says. “Bring her back.”

“Never.”

“Then I shall take you in her stead.”

I say nothing.

“Follow me,” he says.

I follow. We reach a demon’s head. Its eyes are glaring now. Its mouth is agape. He walks in.

“Come now,” he says. “You’ve no other choice.”

The demon stares at me. I enter. The mouth closes.
Last edited by Trident on Sat Mar 31, 2007 4:13 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Perception is everything.




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This has a good storyline.

Your sentence structure, however, needs some variation. They are all short sentences. It sounds choppy when you read it. Try combining some sentences.

It sounds okay at the beginning when describing the demon and in some other places, but it starts to get irksome after a while.

Maybe you should try to add some description to your characters and surroundings. They seem plain.

I try to run, but he trips me up.


'trips me' would be fine
Last edited by Dark Lordess on Mon Apr 02, 2007 4:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
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We are nearly home now. I spot another demon. This one smiles at me. His teeth aren't shattered like the others


you have used this adjective before. and bacause of the legth of your story, it seems repetitive. instead of shattered, i would say "broken" or something better maybe. A thesaurus would be a good friend here, i think.

The rain paints it


i can see what you're doing but "paint" implies the use of a brush or something like that. i would use "spattered" or something like that.

apart from this, i feel this story is very chilling and creepy. you have managed to portray the panic and the suspence well and i really enjoyed reading it. i thought it was bery good indeed. you even make it work through lack of explaination. you never say anywhere why a curfew is needed or why both characters are always slightly fearful, but because of the style of your writing, an explination is not needed really.

this was great. thank you for reading this review and i hoped it helped... and thank you for posting a very worthwhile piece of work.

yours
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Ah, nicely done Tri. I can see that the sentence structure is a deliberate stylistic technique, however, I think perhaps you could change it, so rather then describing it in short sentences, maybe you could try mixing these fragmentary shots into longer sentences... just a thought.

Nice work.
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Yay, demons! (Demons are cool 8))


'She runs. She disappears. She reappears. She is gone.'
- This line confuses me. Okay, so she runs and she disappears from sight. But then, she reappears (how? does she run in and out of light, for example?).
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Hey Sureal. Since much of the piece is in short sentences, this line is meant to convey the confusion of the narrator looking for Mary as she is running away. He sees her one moment, then she's gone and repeat. Hope that clears a bit up.
Perception is everything.



Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence