Sarg, How are you?
/formalities.
This needs a good Sarg-grade review. Please and thank you good sir!
work.php?id=94176
sargsauce
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Ok I literally commented a minute after you on two statuses o.0 I'm not a crazy stalker I swear!
sargsauce Whoa. Weeeeirdo.
Dec 13, 2011
sargsauce I was just noticing myself, though, and thought that was pretty sweet.
Dec 13, 2011
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sargsauce You are also welcs!
Dec 13, 2011
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sargsauce You're welcs!
Dec 9, 2011
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sargsauce Dude. Everyone's from Chennai, apparently. Crazy @_@ That was way long ago, though, but who knows? Maybe I'll go again. I almost went for the brother-in-law's wedding earlier this year, so it could happen again!
Dec 6, 2011
Lava Bwahahaha. And you shall totally tell me the next time.
Dec 6, 2011
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Hey, Sarg! Thanks so much for dropping by and reading 'Lucky Jeans'
I really appreciate the in-depth analysis. Just what I needed. I'm new to writing short stories so you've given me loads of useful insight
And yes, Chennai does that to you! Hope you ended up well, then. And congrats to your sis'-in-law xD
sargsauce Cool, glad I could help or something! Oh, and I just thought of it now, but my critique about how you conveyed jealousy doesn't mean veer down the path of darkness and sombernesss because that wouldn't suit the tone...it's quite possible to do a lighthearted version of jealousy, where it comes across as childish or petulant but relatable. What comes to mind is a show called "The Wonder Years?" It's about a guy growing up and liking a girl and whatnot and it has a voiceover by his older self providing the dry, wry, bittersweet commentary and humor.
As for Chennai, despite my whining, I had a good time, but I had already spent 6 days in India by that point (in Delhi), so I was worn down and wanted to curl up somewhere where the servers wouldn't find me to shovel more food down my gullet.
Dec 2, 2011
murtuza Ironically, even I felt that it resembled the tone of 'The Wonder Years', lol. I must've subconsciously taken inspiration from that. And I'll keep that in mind.
I say a good ol' trip to the gym will do the trick! Don't think you didn't put on a few lbs. now! Indian food can be a tummy grumbler if not taken in properly
Dec 2, 2011
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Thank you so much for your criticism and advice! That type of review was exactly what I wanted. I think that when I wrote that (about this time last year) I was more focused on the theme rather than the characters, so it makes sense that the dialogue sounded artificial. I'll change that as well as the long introduction.
Also, is there any chance that you could review my other piece, "The Road Taken"?
sargsauce Glad you took it well. I'm always somewhat hesitant. Will check it out.
Nov 29, 2011
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Many thanks for the review!
So, yes, the first part was meant to be choppy. But that analogy of yours was perfect, and I agree with what you said.
Good God, the adverbs. O.O I can't believe I didn't notice that. I'll definitely keep an eye on them in the future.
Actually, the main reason for his name being revealed so late is because she doesn't actually know him until that scene. But I really don't care much about names as long as I can tell the characters apart, and it's only because I wanted her to call him by name that he's even named at all.
Ah, the fourth scene. I was worried about that one. Nice to hear it wasn't a disaster.
Anyway, thanks again!
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sargsauce *HYPERVENTILATES*
Nov 16, 2011
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I come back after a long weekend off, and my eyes are drawn to two things. The top featured item: "11:11 11/11/11" and "Notifications (111)." Niiiiice!
Kamas I don't get 111 notifications in like a lifetime.
Nov 14, 2011
sargsauce It's a burden, really. With great power comes great responsibility.
Nov 15, 2011
1 More Replies
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Thanks for the in-depth review! One comment, about the stop-motion thingy. I find that if you drive fast enough on a road with enough lamps on it, the shadows flickering across the windshield create a stop-motion feel to the world. That's what that was all about, and, oh, don't worry, the pocketed cigarette will come into play later on.
sargsauce Fair enough!
Nov 4, 2011
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sargsauce I have an awesome dog.
Nov 4, 2011
Lava ;D
(Although, quite scary.)
Nov 4, 2011
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Yeah, that one was pretty much practice. I write those sorts of stories a lot, though, so what you pointed out is definitely something I'll keep in mind. Also, I see what you mean about those phrases being out of place.
I'm so glad you asked that question--I honestly didn't think anyone would notice. It's because she has a name.
(Both the Man's and the Boy's symbolism extend past their respective selves, while the meaning of the girl's character, though expandable, is meant to be contained within and restricted to a single person.)
Anyway, once again, many thanks for the review.
sargsauce Gotcha. I had thought as much about the Man and the Boy, but why isn't the girl the many casualties, then? The young innocents of Man's war games?
Nov 3, 2011
thatoddkid I wanted the victims to not be seen as a group--rather, a multitude of individuals, each with their own emotions, their own wounds. To make the point that every single one of them is human. The girl is one of them, yes, but she doesn't carry the weight of every victim, and that they would only be seen as a collective seems unjust.
Nov 11, 2011
Jun 19, 2012
Thank you kindly sir!