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one day at a time


  • fun fact about me: I love sea otters so much

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  • talking to someone else about deep or emotional things and opening up is honestly one of the best feelings I ever experience

  • a lil name plate/tag or whatever you want to call it ♡ (made by me in photoshop)
    I chose my favorite colors for this, my room is all white and pastel pink and very elegant while my office and pc set up is all black and bright royal blue. It shows 2 different parts of me and my personality and my aesthetic :3

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    SnowGhost So pretty
    May 2, 2018

  • I wish I could write a poem to summarize April, but I'm still not in the best state of mind to be writing poetry. Although I am doing better with my health, when it comes to writing I know it won't be anything I am happy with and the words won't flow properly.
    So here is a summary:
    At the beginning of April, I was relieved March was over but I was convinced that April was going to be even worse. March was a hard time for me, a lot of trials were going on in my life and it broke me down. I bottled things up to avoid hurting people and it ended up with me lashing out entirely. At the beginning of April, I was certain my depression was back, or that it never truly left. I had many suicidal thoughts and wanted to hurt myself. I hated myself for always messing up and I wanted to disappear, I thought maybe if I never existed, others would be happier. I felt like my depression and often negativity was dead weight to others, and I was losing hope all over again. Everything was crashing down so fast and so hard and I was really really scared. I thought there was something mentally wrong with me, I thought I was too messed up to be helped or anything.
    That is when I decided to surrender it ALL to God. Now, I am saved and I have been a christian for a few months now, but I wasn't dependent on God and I thought I could handle everything by myself. Until one night I was in a call with a good friend, sobbing, and they told me some things that really made me want to get help or get better in some way. From then on, I decided to write in my journal more. Every day I dedicated 2 pages, 1 for events and feelings and a 2nd for all my prayers. I still do it and plan on doing it every night if possible. Simply writing down all my feelings and everything helped so much. I talked to my grandma about everything going on, as well as some friends, who gave me incredible advice and help.
    I started trying to be more positive and not overthink everything, and being more kind to others even if I still have my rough moments. Showing kindness to others helped me adapt a more loving and positive state of mind for myself and others.
    I talked out a lot of my emotions to others and cleared up a lot of conflict and issues. I came to terms with certain bad things that had happened in March and used it as an excuse to grow even more. I want to improve and I already feel like things are improving.
    A LOT has happened in April. It started out as a month of sadness, and ended as a month of growth. I hope and pray I can continue this growth and beat all the demons in my head, and truly truly overcome my depression.
    Thank you all for being understanding, supportive, and loving. ♡

    Now back in the beginning of April, when I was in my dark place, a lot of my napo poems were really depressing and sorrowful. One of them I decided to keep private from everyone, but one I still wanted to keep. I look back at it now and realize that when I wrote that poem, that was not me writing. That was a broken girl writing, a dark person writing. I wrote it in the spur of a moment, and I feel like those types of poems can't be hidden forever. This poem was the saddest and most "triggering" I guess, but it helped encourage me to grow so I will never write a poem like that again.

    If you are interested in it, check out the spoiler. Chao guys!

    Spoiler! :
    rope

    i sit and ponder about my life
    what if i could just end it all?
    what would it be life if i was gone?
    would people cry, or would it just be a relief?

    the thoughts go around my neck,
    like a snake ready to bite its victim; me.
    i’m ready to push the platform under me away
    and let my body hang like a swing; limp – dead.

    the rope is my new best friend.

  • for my fellow religious peoples out there, can you pray for me? just going through a really rough patch in life and really need it. thank you, i greatly and deeply appreciate it


    alliyah Sending prayers your way Rosella! <3 May the Lord bless you and keep you, may his face shine upon you. May the Lord lift you up and give you peace - Numbers 6:24-26
    Apr 23, 2018


    TheBlueCat <3
    Apr 24, 2018

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  • Since I’m doing a bit better, I will be on here just a little. Posting updates/news to my life here and there. I’ve always been open with you guys and it’ll be weird to just stop that, plus I genuinely enjoy sharing stuff about my life to possibly connect with someone else on here! I’ve expressed issues like my mother abandonment, and my sexual harassment and my heartbreak through my poetry and I sometimes go into more details through blog posts or wall posts. Being able to talk about my life openly and not be judged or afraid is what I love so much about this site! There’s so many different people here with different backgrounds and mindsets that I know I’m not alone somehow. Although I’m not personal friends with 99.9% of you guys, I still love you and appreciate every comment/like I get on anything of mine! So here is another update.

    Emotions: although I feel comparatively happier and genuinely nicer and loving, something within me is still very sad. As you guys know I was in a relationship, and I decided to break up with him in January. Why? Because I was a broken person. I let my negative emotions affect both me and my relationship. I wasn’t giving it to God and overall the relationship started becoming unhealthy because me, as a person, was unhealthy. I figured that wasn’t fair to my partner or me, and I wanted to truly pursue the Lord, so we broke it off. It’s been 4 months now and my love for him hasn’t changed. He’s my very very best friend who continues to support and encourage me. I know I don’t want to give up on us or the chance at a future relationship. Analyzing everything the past 4 months have realized how much I miss him and my true appreciation and affections towards him. I still love him, and yes, I do want him back. But I know he’s going through his own issues and emotional stuff that I need to understand and give him as much space as possible. And I know that I still need work on improving my emotions and mental state. The thing that hurts is, I miss us. i miss so many things that it honestly makes me cry so much. I’m trgong to remain positive and hopeful but I’m not sure what to do? I’ve been letting him make his own choices and decisions, but a part of me just wants to tell him everything I’m feeling, but I know I can’t because I don’t want to put any pressure on him or make it worse. I want him to be happy, but I want to be happy with him. I’ve been praying about this for a while now and trying to understand what to do. But it’s hard. I don’t want to give up on trying again, after all, he is the reason I want to be a better person in the first place, but I’m scared that perhaps he never wants to give us another try. It’s all a crazy mess.

    A random update: recently I have been planning a D.Va (from overwatch) cosplay! I’m not making it lol but I have a bunch of links saved and all the math done and yeah. Well, I got the wig early because I wanted to get used to wearing one + it was being shipped from China and said it wasn’t gonna get delivered til like the beginning of June. It came in 2 days ago XD. It was a nice surprise and I tried it on and I love it! It’s so weird to have long hair again and it’s also weird to have bangs haha. But yeah here a small picture just so you all can see. It’s soo cute <3 I can’t wair to finish the rest of the cosplay although it’ll be a few months.

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    TheBlueCat <3 I may not know you personally one here, but you are so strong! Keep going girl c:
    (Also, you are so cute!! That wig is very nice c:)

    Apr 21, 2018


    SnowGhost Ooh that's gonna be so cool!
    Apr 21, 2018

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  • Hey everyone! Just a small update at where I am at:

    Lately things have been.. changing. Over the past week, I have been changing a lot of things in my life. I am writing my feelings and prayers more, I have been connecting to God more, and have been adapting a new mindset. I have been trying to be positive and more loving/kind to others and myself. I have been stricter with my relationship with God and trusting Him instead of trying to fix things by myself. I already feel improvement in my life. I already feel this empty place in my heart slowly getting patched up. I feel myself smiling more and being more genuine with others and myself. I still have breakdowns every now and then but they are WAYY less severe and much more temporary sadness than before. I have been seeking help from friends and family members and have been working hard on my grades and doing things that make me happy. I have been trying to be more giving and kind to others and put smiles on others faces, and I have been trying to be more vocal and show how passionate I am about the Lord. A lot of things have happened that have truly been eye-opening and a real good slap in the face of realization. I am determined to find happiness, true happiness. I am trying to love myself more and accept who I am while I continue to grow and improve. God has touched my heart greatly and now I hold His hand as He guides me through this life I am gifted with.

    I must thank my very best friend @dalisay for being nothing but encouraging, supportive, and loving towards me. I couldn't ask for a more special friend <3

    I wanted to update you all since I know some of you care and you guys have also been encouraging and supportive of me and I am so thankful and happy, thank you thank you!!

    That is all for now! Chao, xoxo ❤


    SnowGhost I'm glad to hear you're improving and feeling better
    :) Keep staying strong

    Apr 19, 2018


    Wolfi Aaaaa yayyyy! <3333
    Apr 19, 2018

  • ok ok yes I am on a break but last night was prom and I could NOT resist telling this story.
    Before the prom, me, my date, @dalisay, and her date all sat in the car and I was blaring big time rush (they were my all-time favorite band for the longest time) and saying how much I loved them and basically annoying them with it lol
    Well, I was having a bit of a shaky time at prom. At the end I started crying and breaking down because all my friends are seniors and it was my last dance with majority of them.
    As everyone was leaving and I was trying to stop crying, the Big Time Rush theme song comes on and I literally dropped to the floor sobbing from happiness. Turns out, my date requested it because I was not feeling too well for a little bit. So me and a few more Juniors and Seniors were dancing and singing along while others were leaving. It was the very last song and the grand finale to my great night. I am still shook over it, I love my friends <3

  • Very important message (trigger warning perhaps):

    Hey everyone. This message should have been typed up a long time ago but I guess I realized everything a little late.

    Lately, I have not been okay. I am not specifically having troubles with other people, but mainly with myself. My emotions have been all over the place. I find myself having breakdowns, being negative in even happy situations, and having suicidal thoughts. I have been quick to anger and have been my own enemy. I am letting almost anything or everything hold me back from getting better. I have been so focused on the wrong things and definitely not thinking of myself. My life has truly been hectic lately. I broke up with this guy who I still very very much love months later. I thought I had feelings for someone who left me hanging and basically broke every promise. I have not been close to God and because of that, I have been letting myself get worse and worse.

    I decided that I need to get help and focus on myself for a while. I think about a week or so ago I said I was gonna take a break to focus on my mental health, but I came back to do NaPo. NaPo was something I wanted to do to focus on my writing and I already have 15 poems down on day 12. But I cannot continue. I need to start putting things away to TRULY focus on my health. I thought I could handle it all but I have learned that I cannot, at least not right now.

    I am going to be seeking help soon, and I have no idea how long I will be gone. I am not sure how long this recovery will be or anything, all I know is that I need to take baby steps yet get help as soon as possible.

    I hope you all understand, I really really need this. I love you all so much. Bye bye for now ♡


    EternalRain Well all love you too!! Take care <3
    Apr 12, 2018


    soundofmind <3 Take care, buddy!! lots of love
    Apr 13, 2018

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  • PrincessInk wrote:
    EternalRain wrote:This sounds super fun!! What name fits me?? I’m not going to reveal my name (so if you know it please don’t say) but I think it’d be fun to see what name you guys think fits me!

    TheBlueCat wrote:So you know how some names just fit some personalities for some people? I just thought it would be fun to see what name fits me according to that for different people so #whatsmyname c:

    Link to original comment

    Link to original comment

    Link to original comment


    keystrings Well, Wendy, Leslie, Karen, Vero, Maggie.
    Apr 10, 2018


    SnowGhost
    Spoiler! :
    Gillian

    Apr 11, 2018

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  • Can someone comment down below some positive things/something to make me smile? I desperately need it.


    Mea You occupy space and have mass, which means.... you matter!

    sorry I know this is really bad but it is genuinely meant <3

    Apr 9, 2018


    zaminami Dang it Mea I was just about to say that

    Um you’re full of energy

    Apr 10, 2018

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  • my napo poem for today was really cute

    Earth

    she was like fire, a flame that always sparked with emotions
    yet she was like the water able to calm anyone down in chaos
    and like the breath, there one second and gone the next
    she was all these elements, and more, because she was my world


    Audy This is beautiful! I can tell there is a lot of love in these lines <3
    Apr 9, 2018

  • hourglass

    i thought this sand would lavish me
    but instead all it did was suffocate me

  • this week has been absolutely awful, not gonna lie. I haven't done one of these in a while (over a year now) so here is a #positivetoday ... God knows I need this.

    1. Pretty chill week school wise, my dad was very proud of my grades last semester and I only had 1 test and 2 quizzes this week, which all of them were easy.

    2. Today is national puppy day and my corgi's 2 year birthday is coming up

    3. I am still alive and breathing. Although I have cried a lot, and have had to battle a lot with mental issues... I am here. I am clothed, fed, I have shelter, I get rest each night, and an education each day.

    Sadly, that is about it. 3 positives is better than 0, right?


    Mea Stay strong. I know you can get through this. <3
    Mar 23, 2018

  • after 7 years of silence, I sent my mom a letter back.
    It was only 3/4 a page, and I didn't go into many specifics
    My grandma was very proud of me, and said that my mother cried and that it made her whole year, and that she is planning on writing me back.
    My mom did a lot of bad things, she hurt me and other family members, I still can't trust her. But she is human, and she is my mother, she doesn't deserve to have all her kids hate her.


    fatherfig Relatable.
    You have a subconcious stronger than mine will ever be....

    Mar 19, 2018



Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said