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Empress of The Deep

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  • Sorry for the rant but I needed somewhere to get this off my chest and didn't know where else to turn. You don't really need to pay attention to this, I just need to get this out of my system.
    Spoiler! :
    Idk how anyone elses brain works, but whenever people talk about toxic people, or about how bad such and such person is I feel ugly because...a two years and a half ago I was in a situation where everyone decided I was toxic.
    They described me as this rude jerk who hated or 'still hated' people for immature reasons, constantly talked about how everyone ruined my day/and or hated me, or was some emotional manipulator who went on about how sorry I was just to guilt people into hating themselves, and constantly brought up other peoples faults to deflect blame and yada yada yada, and apparently those habits got so bad people started talking behind my back about how bad I was, and one person even told a friend of mine that they'd be better off without me, that talking to me doesn't seem to be very good for them, and 'if I messaged them don't respond, or delete it, you don't need her in your life'
    I...I still don't know if I really was that bad of a person, but I do know that, rather people talking about me like that was warranted or not, the accusations hurt me deeply, and even years later, I'm still feeling the effects of the trauma.
    Now I want to make one thing clear, some of my actions around the time were horrible, and I am not entirely a victim. I cannot say with good conscience that nothing they said about me wasn't true in some way.
    But...even if those words were true, it hurt, it made me all shades of guilty to the point where I nearly felt insane.
    And I...I just wish I could stop coming across things that remind me of it constantly. It's been at least two years and a half and more then 12 damn months, I should be over it by now.
    But sometimes I feel it's true, I don't really know how to do anything bad say sorry, drag myself into a well of self-pity, and drag others down with me. Damn, sometimes I wonder if maybe, maybe I am just a toxic little brat with covert narracism...
    I've tried to change since that wake up call, but there's a part of me that wonders just how much I've really grown since then, and I guess there always will be a part of me that won't let go of the shame, and hurt from realizing all the mean things people said about me were true and I had no-one to blame but my own filthy self, and just...wonder where I went so wrong.

    Anyway, let me be clear that this has nothing to do with Y.W.S or anyone here, and this is directed at no-one. This is me trying to get things off my chest.

    IcyFlame <333 I think this is often one of the most difficult things about growing/growing up. You can change a lot in a short space of time but it's recent enough you can remember all of it :/
    Sep 3, 2023

    Spoiler! :
    <333 i think the fact that you can be so thoughtful and reflective even in a rant like this is a sign that you have grown. and i don't know you in real life, but your presence on yws has never felt toxic, and your random wall posts and cat pics make me smile :] <333 sooo yeah, just letting you know that you are valid, and i appreciate you being a beautiful part of yws ^^

    Sep 4, 2023

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
— Winston Churchill