Young Writers Society

So I mentioned an old friend I reconnected with a couple months ago.

We have quite a history. He was a senior and I was a freshmen. We both met in choir as a bass and soprano singer. We loved singing and even performed together often.

He developed a major crush on me. He bought me jewelry, brought me flowers, escorted me to class, pulled out my seat like a gentleman. I felt very special. He wanted a relationship but my mother convinced me to focus on my studies. So I rejected him and regretted it.

I adored him because he was the first person to stand up for me at school.
When there was rumor passed around that I was having an affair with my married math teacher, I became the school Jezebel. He punched the guy who had the audacity to call me a gold-digging homewrecker whore in public (got in a lot of trouble for that while the guy who called me derogatory term got nothing but a slap on the wrist).

I reconnected with him and we've been chatting and bonding. He also has a toxic ex so he understands.

Now I think... I'm developing feelings for him.

My mother doesn't want me dating so I can focus on work and school alone. She thinks I'm too young for a serious relationship.

But this is becoming too overwhelming.

I think about him ALL the time. Everything I do to distract myself reminds me of him. Whenever I hear his voice over the phone or see his face on Facetime I just have my heart beating faster and faster. I fantasize about what it's like to be his girlfriend and this is so embarrassing kissing him.

It's absolutely terrifying because I've never felt this way about anyone. I didn't think about my ex so much. He made my heart beat but in a bad way. The thought of kissing him didn't excite me.

I'm scared of pursuing this. I honestly think my friend is wayy to good for me and I honestly think after everything I've gone through I'm damaged goods. I worry about my ex's reaction knowing he'll find out somehow and he did threaten suicide. I may not want him but I don't want him dead. My mother's opinion makes me so hesitant. Sure, people tell me I'm nineteen and an adult but I feel until I move out of the house and don't rely on them I can't exactly pull the "I'm an independent adult who can do whatever I want card."

But my friend is amazing. He's a gentleman and respects my boundaries and women. He and I have way more in common. He's very patient with me. He doesn't fault me for being a Catholic girl of faith even though he's an atheist. He likes children. He's mature. He has his traumas and issues but never uses them as an excuse to treating others badly.

I know he's not perfect but he's such a beautiful soul.

I feel like I might be falling in love, although maybe I'm not.

But I feel like I shouldn't pursue this because I just think he deserves better. I'm not beautiful.

I just am so scared because this is something so new to me. I want him more than I've wanted anyone else. But I just have all these reasons not to say anything. He's just so wonderful and I just think he deserves the perfect girlfriend which is not me.

Maybe I'm just lonely and pathetic or desire him because he's the anti-Josh (my ex). But I think this might be really real.

I don't think he'd want me anyways.

But I just can't stop thinking about "what if"

Any advice