z

Young Writers Society


Golden Eyes



User avatar
36 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1664
Reviews: 36
Sun Oct 23, 2011 2:34 am
AllyGrLxOX says...



Spoiler! :
Hey guys! So I've been taking a break from writing but was inspired today by this wonderful convention called "Books for the Beast." So I frantically ran home and developed this story idea. :D I know this is short - it's supposed to be. Each chapter is going to be a different POV with the two siblings the story is about. Please bear with the beginning, trust me I do have a plan for this story.. my beginning chaptersjust tend to be weak. :(


Azure:

“Oh really? Do you truly think that would ever happen Cade? I mean just think about it.” Azure asked her brother with an air of arrogance.

He looked at her baffled for a moment and tried to come up with some smart comeback but found himself utterly at a loss and murmured something about how he was only joking.

Azure smirked and looked at her long, perfectly sharpened fingernails.

“Although you are the crown prince – mommy’s favorite – so why are you even asking me about your girl troubles?” Azure knew the reason why he was asking her.

She merely enjoyed putting him through the pain of telling her the answer. The discomfort and awkwardness he was going through simply made her chuckle.

He opened his mouth and blurted out, “Listen Azure, moms kind of busy oh I don’t know… running the kingdom. So I sort of can’t ask her for help right now!”

Azure’s smirk only grew in size as she jumped off of the roof she and her brother had been sitting on. Gracefully landing on the grass feet beneath her, she didn’t bother to check if Cade was following her before she started off back towards the castle, her home.

“Hold up Azure! Lani is your friend, I’m a brother in need so help me out, and after all we are family.” The word family made Azure’s blood run cold. Colder than usual that is.

“And what a lovely family we are dearest Cade.” Whispered Azure before turning away from him and walking briskly towards the palace, leaving him far behind as she quickened her pace with every step.

Family.

What a silly word that is, Azure thought to herself. A word that in reality means nothing. What good is a family? The royal family wasn’t truly a family, it was all a game where no one liked to lose.

Especially Azure. Losing meant you were weak, it meant you weren’t good enough; it meant you were a failure. A failure to Father.

Azure’s eyes began to water as she thought of her Father, her one and true role model. He was the definition of perfect, and he didn’t accept anything less than perfect. However Father wasn’t a part of the royal family anymore.

I will not cry, I am strong, I am fear, I am Azure.

Azure’s long black hair whisked around her face as the chilly autumn breeze blew. The crispy autumn leaves were a beautiful golden color, matching Azure’s own eye color. She clenched her fists as she finished her walk back to the palace.

The guards lined up along the palace walls stiffened in terror when Azure approached – just the way she liked it. They all tightly gripped their swords and looked straight ahead of them, avoiding any possible eye contact with the Princess Azure.

She enjoyed walking by them at an excruciatingly slow pace, watching garlands of sweat drop down their faces as they prayed for her to hurry by. However their displeasure and fear only made her happier.

She looked each one of them in the eyes as she continued walking past each and every one.

“You know soldiers –“ Azure began, watching each one wince.

“All of your eye colors are exactly the same. You do know what that means, right?” She looked at the soldier closest to her and snapped her fingers in his face.

“When I am speaking to you, you will respond!” She spat at the soldier. He began to tremble and refused to look Azure in the eyes, as he slowly spoke,

“Y-yes your highness, my eyes are only a pale blue.” Azure smiled and nodded at him. Then moved onto to tormenting the next soldier in line.

“It means you’re weak. Weaklings have plain colored eyes, plain powers. A boring power like the ability to make water warm. However to be a soldier you all must have some redeeming qualities…”

She eyed the soldier closes to the end of the line,

“You there! What is it that you soldiers can do? I seem to have forgotten, silly me.” She then laughed and tucked a strand of hand behind her ear.

This soldier decided to try and be brave, proudly stating that all the soldiers in the line were able to run at an incredibly fast speed. When he was done speaking Azure laughed hysterically as if he had just told the most brilliant joke in all of the five worlds.

“Oh my soldier aren’t you a funny one! Being grateful for the power of speed, I mean at least you have a power. You know my poor older brother was born with no gifts. Boo him, he’ll forever be living such an unfulfilled life. None of you will ever be able to experience true power. That is something only the best are blessed with, and by the best I mean me.”

She paused and looked around at the soldiers to make sure none of them would make any smart remarks. When she was satisfied that they would remain silent she continued on with her speech.

“You should be aware by now that I could tell you to jump in a river for me and you’d do it. I could tell you to shave your oldest son’s hair and give it to me for my birthday and you’d have no choice. Or I could tell you to go drown in a river – and you’d have to do it – for me. That is the power I wield! All of this is at my disposal!”

She took a breath and looked around at the still emotionless faces of the soldiers. She knew they were listening though. She could tell by their new stances, no longer perfectly straight. They were frightened of her.

As they should be.
HEY YOU!
Yeah you! :D

You should check out my latest novel "Part of the Night!"
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/novel.php?id=877
^Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,


Why haven't you clicked on the link yet!
  





User avatar
136 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Sun Oct 23, 2011 7:48 am
Leahweird says...



Oooh this looks like it has some potential. I like how you introduced the eye-colour=power thing by having Azure tease the guards. It tells us about the world and the character at the same time, which is how things should be.

I do feel that we were thrown into the action a little to hastily though. Ussually I'm a fan of dropping the reader in where the action starts, but I felt like i was missing an important bit of dialogue between the siblings. I think you could better illistrate the dynamic between them by going back a bit farther. This would have the added effect of highlighting Azures rising emotions.

Azure is a very intriguing character. She seems like a "bad girl" but I want to see how much of this is just her reacting to a bad situation. I love playing with "evil" characters. I really hope you work on this more.
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 989
Reviews: 10
Sun Oct 23, 2011 10:06 am
View Likes
inthebeginning says...



Okay so I like the overall feel of this, especially the eye colour thing! However, there were a few things that I would fix up to make it sound smoother overall.

The crispy autumn leaves were a beautiful golden color, matching Azure’s own eye color.


I would remove the y, otherwise it sounds like something I would eat? haha. So it would become: The crisp autumn leaves were a beautiful golden color, matching Azure’s own eye color.

None of you will ever be able to experience true power. That is something only the best are blessed with, and by the best I mean me.”


I feel like the end of the sentence doen't quite work. You need more emphasis on the word me I think. Whether you do this by perhaps adding a comma or two, I'm not sure. But I just think it would work better it there was a pause and more emphasis!

Apart from that I couldn't really find anything else. I like Azure's character. She seems strong and independent which is nice to see in a female character! I am interested in seeing how this story develops (: Nice work!
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 973
Reviews: 1
Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:14 am
beautyOFwriting says...



This is FANTASTIC but one thing your need to work on is keeping the reader more drawn in so they don't want to put the book down. I do believe that it does have potential though
[center][right][center][s][small-caps][/small-caps][/s][/center][/right][/center][color=#BF00BF][color=#BF00BF][color=#BF00BF][size=150][/size][/color][/color][/color][b][i]BeautyOFwriting[code][list=][*][img][url][color=#8000FF][/color][/url][/img][/list][/code][/i][/b]
  








When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind