A Resignation (For Three-Pronged Contest)

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~
To the humans in this community:
Every summer, for as long as they can remember, the Gregor family has enjoyed sweet, juicy slices of watermelon fresh from their garden. No doubt many of you have indulged in the same great pleasure over the years. Perhaps you’ve considered this odd, since the Gregor family doesn’t have a garden. Not one that they tend to, anyway. The watermelons have always seemed content to grow all on their own, in a little patch of moist dirt in the corner of the yard, correct? They’re large, they’re attractive to the eye, and – as I’m sure you’ll all agree – they’re considered the most delicious watermelons in the neighborhood.
The Gregor children and their friends have spent countless lazy afternoons splashing around in their pool and gnawing the slices of melon right down to the rind. Then, in a kind of grand tradition, they’ve spit the seeds into the corner where the watermelons always have appeared, making a contest out of who could spit their seeds the farthest. I believe Bobby Wellermen holds the current record?
No one ever thought anything of it. You’ve thought of it as a stroke of luck. You’ve assumed that one corner of the yard has simply been gifted with particularly fertile soil. You’ve joked about the Gregor family’s melons, and envied them a time or two, I’d wager.
You’ve never – not once – looked out into the Gregor family's backyard when the moon is high and seen the spindly little shape that darts about their lawn at night and tends to the melons, no matter the weather or the temperature.
Even if you have seen the little figure responsible for the watermelons’ growth, you’ve never understood what it was. I’d bet that you shrugged it off, thinking it to be a stray cat, or a rabbit, or some such thing. After all, why would anyone ever recognize the true nature of something that’s always tried so very hard to remain hidden?
Lawn gnomes, you see, are very shy. We do not accept praise very well, and even the slightest grateful glance can send us into a giggling fit. When thanked profusely, we have a tendency to take off our pointed caps, and ball them up between our knobby little fingers, and stare at the calluses on our feet in an attempt to avoid meeting anyone’s eyes.
So, we stay hidden.
In the old days, this didn’t matter; everyone knew exactly what made their gardens thrive, and were careful to thank us gnomes in ways that didn’t make us self-conscious. For instance, they’d leave out a platter of sweet, doughy rolls, or a saucer of milk with just a little sugar mixed in… Even the most timid lawn gnome could never turn down a thank you like that. In those days, we lawn gnomes looked more respectable. More like the plump little stone likenesses you’ve seen set up in gardens around the world.
But you humans are forgetful, and as time passed more and more people forgot about us garden-tenders. We gnomes have grown thin and bony, our hats faded and dirtied… Our dark skin has been stretched taut, and our bellies are often left empty… To the shame of lawn gnomes everywhere, some have even resorted to eating the fruits of their own labor – pun not intended - in order to survive. Just imagine, stealing from the families that they’ve faithfully assisted for so long!
Still, a number of us have persisted in the grand tradition of the lawn gnome. Members of the Loyal Association of Garden Gnomes – commonly known as LAGG – have gone on proudly doing their duty in the quiet ways always favored by our people.
“Lawn gnomes have never asked for recognition,” the president of the association once shouted, his eyes so full of life and enthusiasm. “Why should that change now?”
Until quite recently, I agreed whole-heartedly with this statement. I always attended the LAGG meetings, I volunteered my time to train young gnomes in the ways of our forefathers, and I always, always made sure that the Gregor family got their watermelons right on time – in the best part of the season.
But it is now with great sorrow that I must resign from the honored order of LAGG. Nothing can dissuade me from this decision that I have deliberated over for so long. Nothing can subtract from this latest humiliation that I have suffered.
Last Tuesday night, unbeknownst to me, the oldest Gregor children decided to spend the night under the stars, camping out in their backyard. It had been so long since their last campout that – I freely confess – my guard was down, and I was not as wary as I should have been.
I was spotted while tending to the little watermelon shoots. And instead of thanking me for my services, as protocol demanded, the girl shrieked as if she’d spotted a goblin rather than a gnome, and the boy vocally expressed such vulgarity that I will not repeat his utterances here in this document. Earlier in the day, they had been playing tennis, and had left the rackets laying about for me to pick up and deposit on their porch step, the way I have always done. The boy swiftly retrieved one of these rackets and set about swinging it at me, again and again, beating me away in the manner that one might fend off a rabid animal.
I escaped into the bushes, and all but my pride was left wholly intact.
But that, good people, is why I have made the decision to leave LAGG and find a different, more self-fulfilling career. This letter is a courtesy – an explanation for my actions – and I write it only because I know that the Gregors were not the only ones who enjoyed the ‘fruits of my labor’. Now, go spit your seeds at someone else for a change.
Sincerely,
L.E. Dobbins
Former Member of the Loyal Association of Garden Gnomes
Last edited by silentpages on Tue Dec 28, 2010 11:19 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




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"Three-pronged"? :P

I shall leave the grammar pickings-apart and the spelling crossings-out to the other, more capable reviewers of this site, and instead dive into the meat of the story. So, just to summarize so that I don't lose track, your story is about gnomes that have looked after people's gardens for centuries (though are now declining in quality, so to speak), and the people today forgot about gnomes and no longer appreciate their work. The story ends with one of the gnomes resigning after a human sees her and assaults her.

There are actually a couple of messages here I can make out. One is against the maturity of the human race as a race of science, refusing to accept things they do not understand. We become dependent on our progress and lose our bond with earth, so now anything that does not have right angled edges and a dozen of mathematical theories (that 95% of us don't understand) to explain it is automatically evil.

Another interesting theme I dug out was that of taking opportunities for granted, and, subsequently, greed. "Yay, a watermelon!" says the family. "Let's eat it and treat it like it's a perfectly ordinary thing to be growing here, even though none of us planted it!" So they do that, while the gnomes starve (?). Then this gnome, basically on her last airs, is spotted at night and, instead of being thanked, gets chased off. Perhaps the human family thought the gnome was stealing their watermelon! They can't have that, now, can they? Having said that, I would have liked you to specify that when the gnome was sighted, she was tending to the watermelon. This would have strengthened your message and highlighted just how evil people are.

Finally (this is just a cool point I thought I'd point out), I like the organization name, "LAGG". Times have changed, the gnomes are not being treated as they have been some time ago, and many have accepted this. However, some are LAGGing behind, still tending to their duties, even though their labour is no longer appreciated.

One thing I would like to point out about this is the style. It is written as a resignation letter, but this only becomes apparent at the end of the story, when you basically point it out. It reads more like an essay than anything else. This is good - essays and fantasy often have very interesting offspring, and this is one of them. However, it simply doesn't feel like a letter. Might just be me, though.

I liked this! Clicking the "like" button once I'm done. As always, don't hesitate to ask for clarification or to reply to any of the points I brought up. Best of luck!

Your servant,
cC
_




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Hey there Silent!

In the old days, this didn’t matter; everyone knew exactly what made their gardens thrived, and were careful to thank the gnomes in ways that didn’t make them self-conscious
thrive.

Just imagine, stealing[i] from the families that they’d assisted so faithfully for so long!
There's an 'i' introduced in here; I don't suppose it's supposed to be?

Well, I thought this was great and entertaining. I smiled, while I read, and I enjoyed the lighteness of this piece.

I really enjoy your writing style, and ...Dobbie's voice. It came through loud and clear.

Nicely done, good luck with the contest!

Tanya :D




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So, this is a good story, I only noticed a few things about the storytelling itself, so I'll be brief.
First of all, your style is very brief and to the point, at first I thought this was a removed, omniscient POV, but I realized that was not the case after reading past the italic section.
So, I suggest you modify that a bit. I understand that you needed to introduce what Garden Gnomes have done, and do, for the benefit of the reader. However, switching view points in the middle of the story is confusing, and I had to sit there and think instead of just going on reading. (In other words, it broke my immersion in the story.) This problem should be easy to fix, as you could immediately start out the story as a written, first person POV letter by simply writing,
"Dear Chairman of the Board, It is my ..."
And then go on to explain what happens. Now, I understand that it is inconveniently difficult to add all the information needed subtly into the text, but if you work on this, I'm sure your story will greatly improve.
Speaking of style, I liked it. You have a nice prose to your writing, and a good rhythm. There were no jarring or hard to understand sentences that I could think of. But I think you should give your character a vernacular.
While reading, I got the impression that this gnome was not your ordinary gnome. He/she spoke with more of an educated style, which added to the humor a bit since he/she is of course, a gnome. I would recommend expanding on this a little; perhaps adding in little nuances of the character's speech, such as adding "cliché" gnome sayings or exclamations.
As I've said before, your style was brief and to the point, which worked well with this type of writing.
(I'm curious; did the contest have a word limit?)
One last thing, I think you could add a bit more humor to your story. Not to overdo it, but just to give a little more interest to the characters.
Any way, I hope this helped.
Cheerio!
~E.D.
No more countin' dollars... we'll be countin' stars.

Enter, if you dare.




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Past this point, this story has been edited, taking into consideration the reviews. Also, I think I fixed the POV issue, which previously resulted from me not realizing that it was a letter until I got half way through it. XD

Yeah. I think it's better now. :)

Keep the feedback comin' guys! You are awesome! >.<

Also, to answer questions that have been posed regarding the contest itself...

It's a contest put on by Trident, with the prize being a $30 gift certificate to Amazon. I recommend you consider joining, if you haven't already. ;)

The word count limit is 1,000 words or less, and there were a number of things that had to be included. I chose to use a Lawn Gnome, A tennis racket, and spitting seeds. :)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




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Hey Silent! Here to review as requested. =D

So. I love how you made this work. The three things you chose really blended well together, and the idea was creative. I definitely enjoyed this!

On to the nitpicks:

For instance, they’d leave out a platter of sweet, doughy rolls, or a saucer of milk with just a little sugar mixed in… Even the most timid lawn gnome could never turn down a thank you like that. In those days, we lawn gnomes looked more respectable. More like the plump little stone likenesses you’ve seen set up in gardens around the world.


"For instance" seems a tad modern here, and it sounds odd for a gnome to be saying. "Just a little sugar mixed in" is awkwardly phrased. I'd change that to "sugared milk" to make things simpler. Also, your description of the gnomes is a little long, without any breaks in between.

Every summer, for as long as they can remember, the Gregor family has enjoyed sweet, juicy slices of watermelon fresh from their garden. No doubt many of you have indulged in the same great pleasure over the years. Perhaps you’ve considered this odd, since the Gregor family doesn’t have a garden. Not one that they tend to, anyway. The watermelons have always seemed content to grow all on their own, in a little patch of moist dirt in the corner of the yard, correct? They’re large, they’re attractive to the eye, and – as I’m sure you’ll all agree – they’re considered the most delicious watermelons in the neighborhood.

Each summer, the Gregor children and their friends have spent countless lazy afternoons splashing around in their pool and gnawing the slices of melon right down to the rind. Then, in a kind of grand tradition, they’ve spit the seeds into the corner where the watermelons always have appeared, making a contest out of who could spit their seeds the farthest. I believe Bobby Wellermen holds the current record?

No one ever thought anything of it. You’ve thought of it as a stroke of luck. You’ve assumed that one corner of the yard has simply been gifted with particularly fertile soil. You’ve joked about the Gregor’s melons, and envied them a time or two, I’d wager.


A few things here. Your first two paragraphs start very similarly, talking about "every Summer." Might want to change one to avoid sounding redundant. The big thing that bugs me, however, is your narration. It's almost like second person. I don't like how you say things like "You've thought of it as a stroke of luck. You've assumed that one corner of the yard....You've joked about the Gregor's melons..." It's kind of forceful, and a type of narration I'm not used to. My suggestion would be to make it more of a wide narration instead of just focusing on what the reader personally has thought about the Gregor's. I hope that makes sense. If it doesn't, please just tell me and I'll rephrase. xD

Other than that, I really can't see anything wrong with this as of yet. A couple grammar mistakes here and there, but those should be easy enough to fix! =D Please let me know if there's a specific thing you're not sure about, and I'll come back and help you figure it out! Hope I could help...
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga




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Well done on the revise!
The POV narration still needs a bit more polishing. For instance, this particular sentence,
"But you humans are forgetful,"
Seemed as though the gnome were writing to humans, not the LAGG board.
Also, I would like to see a more personal view added in, this gnome is upset, but keep in mind that it is still a letter.
Aside from that, I would suggest going to some one who is good at grammar to give it a glance over before you send it in.
Good job!
~E.D.
No more countin' dollars... we'll be countin' stars.

Enter, if you dare.




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cC here to re-review, as promised! :D

A few nitpicks. First off, I'm not sure who this letter is addressing (I know it says "to whom it may concern", but usually when that sort of thing is written, the writer has at least some vague idea of who will be reading it). At first it sounds like it might be the Gregors. Then you keep mentioning their last name and saying things like "...the Gregor children" rather than "your children", so that can't be them. Then I thought it was addressing LAGG, but you go through the pains of telling us what it is, so the addressee doesn't know what LAGG is, therefore they can't belong to it. Another gnome? Nope, because she's resigning from LAGG, so it has to be addressed to them. Gack. v_v

Still, a much better piece than the last revision. I'm glad you implemented my recommendation about the gnome being sighted when she is tending to the watermelon shoots, it really does have a better effect. Honestly, there's not much else I can say about this. The piece is very strong as it is now, and I don't see anything I can add to it to make it better. I kind of feel bad after you gave me such a thorough review of "Alice", but I really don't know what else to add. Good luck in the contest!

Your servant,
cC
_



There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable