Trepidation

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The search party and I weren’t far from the village when I suddenly developed an uneasy feeling. A strong wind came from ahead as if a supernatural force urging us to leave. The tall stalks of wheat made our search more difficult as we travelled further into the fields. It was a moonless night. I was ahead of Alphonse and Gunther, other party members, when suddenly, allocated search hound began barking at something up ahead and pulled on the leash with all of its might. The search hound dragged me out of the wheat fields and to a nearby creek where I spotted the very thing in which we had been looking for. Mr. Schmuntz – except he was dead. The others were soon to arrive at this hellish horrific scene.

Mr. Schmuntz’s state of decomposition was extreme. His skin had become a dark green colour and there were four slashes across his face as if clawed by a bear. I was going to be sick. Gunther cowardly dropped his rifle and ran back to Beiersdorf village while screaming. Alphonse was about to join him. “Don’t you even think about it! I need help carrying the body”. I said. Mr. Schmuntz went missing one week ago. The reason we didn't search for him earlier is because his wife only thought he was trying to find his way home from the pub after his work in the fields. It didn't take a lot of effort to carry the body, since he was decomposed. "Gee, Mrs. Schmuntz isn't going to like this." said Alphonse as we made our way back to the village.

It was almost dawn when we reached Beiersdorf and the villagers were waiting for us in the town square, holding jagged pitchforks and most were dressed in bedclothes. We decided to cover the body in cloth, that way, no one would be frightened when they saw the decomposed corpse. As we headed for the chapel, Alphonse tripped on one of the steps and the corpse slipped out of his hand and mine, revealing it's horrific, decomposed state to the villagers. Everyone crowded around, even Mrs. Schmuntz, who began wailing at the very sight of her husband. The priest approached the body, raised his arms to God and cried: "This is a curse from the devil! May his evil presence descend back into hell!"

That night, everyone attended mass. "Satan is among us people! we must repent our sins and trust in the good Lord!" the priest cried. After the sermon, it didn't take very long for the village to fall asleep except for me, there were too many things on my mind. If Mr. Schmuntz went missing on the night of the full moon, then was it a werewolf? Or was it a murderous psychopath? I had to find the truth. But i didn't. I fell asleep. I would have thought the brightness of the full moon through the window would have kept me awake. I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that I murdered Alphonse, my best friend. But that could not be. It was only a dream.

I woke up the next morning with blood on my hands and a foul taste in my mouth. This was very unusual. Just as it coudn't get any stranger, one of the villagers ran into the square screaming. "Herr Alphonse is dead!" I was quick to dress and head down to the fields, where I saw my best friend, dead, decomposed and four slashes across his face, just like Mr. Schmuntz. I decided to hunt this cadaverous creature. So, I waited patiently for one month to pass, and I headed for the fields with a rifle and a hound. The sun was about to set. I waited and waited, the stalks of wheat scratched my skin as the wind blew through them. When the sun went down and the moon was visible, it was full. Suddenly, the hound began barking ferociously at me. CRACK!!! My back was in excrutiating pain. CRACK!!! in a few moments, my whole body was in pain. My nose grew long in a few seconds, claws grew out of my fingers, hair grew all over. I had one desire. To kill. I was the werewolf.

By TheBigCheese
Last edited by TheBigCheese on Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:10 am, edited 5 times in total.




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This was a great story! I wasn't suspecting the udden twist at the end until the last paragraph.
This was really well written. Just a few errors
"I was ahead of Alphonse and Gunther, other party members when suddenly..."
Should add a comma after members.
I looks forward to reading more of your works!




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Thanx for your help!
I found it useful

Will make changes

From TheBigCheese




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Hi TheBigCheese,

Really loving that twist at the end! I think this is my favourtie out of the two stories you've posted so far! Try to add a few more adjectives to give the story a bit more colour and use proper punctuation, otherwise, really well done! Keep it up!

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf




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Thanks Redleaf,
cheers for the encouragement and i look forward to reading your stories

regards, TheBigCheese




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It was an interesting story. You had different and original characters, that's good. Sometimes I like stories this short, but right now the story, for me, would have been better if it were a bit longer.

You have to imagine the whole story in your head and indicate if it's convenient or not the longer or the shorter version, because sometimes you'd like it if somehing else happened.

The boy keeps killing the village people, and some hunter comes to kill the werewolf down. Or he falls in love... (except maybe you don't like romance, and not everyone does [it could become cheesy, dont you think?])

All in all, I liked it. So better keep on writing and posting...

Keep doing a good job!
Scipio: Do you know what happens here after dark? Things little eyes should never, ever see.
Bo: We're not scared.
Scipio: Not scared? Well, aren't you the little tiger? RAWR!




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Reviewing Sunday review here! Quick and fast and then I'm off to the next!

I agree with the others! What a neat twist at the end! I figured it out when he mentioned the "taste of blood" in his mouth when he wakes up, but still neat.

I'm wondering, though, if you couldn't make it have a resonating impact--you know, leave your reader with the "No way!" face. Right now, it's only at the "Oh, that's cool" level and there's potential for a lot more.

What I'd suggest is expanding this and making it longer. And, taking it "in scene." Instead of writing mainly in exposition, try to make it mostly action--action not in the sense of fighting scenes, but in the sense of your character doing something. Instead of saying that everyone attended mass, take us there, make it a whole scene with everyone wondering what to do about the monster among them.

You might want to add in a few more murders, too. Build the suspense. I think that is what's missing the most--the suspense of who's going to get killed next, the anxiety in the town. Take us there. (And, read some Edgar Allen Poe for ideas and inspiration. This sort of story's right up Poe's alley.)

Let me know if you have any questions! Keep writing!

Rachael
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

Have you thanked a teacher lately? You should. Their bladder control alone is legend.




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Hey! Happy Review Day and Halloween!

Just a few LEETLE thingamajiggers...
Corrections and suggestions are in bold.

The search party and I weren’t far from the village when I suddenly developed an uneasy feeling.

I don't know how this sentence would be wrong grammatically, but it just seems wrong. Sorry, that's not much help. :P Try just saying "the search party" instead of "the search party and I".

A strong wind came from ahead as if a supernatural force was urging us to leave. The tall stalks of wheat made our search more difficult as we traveled further into the fields. It was a moonless night.


I was ahead of Alphonse and Gunther, other party members, when suddenly, allocated search hound began barking at something up ahead and pulled on the leash with all of its might.

First of all, "other party members" is not necessary. Next, "allocated" means "set apart for a particular purpose", so in that context it doesn't make sense. It would make more sense if you had said "an allocated search hound", but better to just take that out entirely. I like the names, by the way; very original. :)

The search hound dragged me out of the wheat fields and to a nearby creek where I spotted the very thing in which we had been looking for. Mr. Schmuntz – except he was dead. The others were soon to arrive at this hellish horrific scene.

"Except he was" is not necessary, and say "hellish" or "horrific", since they're pretty much synonyms.
Mr. Schmuntz’s state of decomposition was extreme. His skin had become a dark green colour and there were four slashes across his face as if clawed by a bear. I was going to be sick. Gunther cowardly dropped his rifle and ran back to Beiersdorf village, screaming. Alphonse was about to join him. “Don’t you even think about it! I need help carrying the body," I said. Mr. Schmuntz went missing one week ago. The reason we didn't search for him earlier is because his wife only thought he was trying to find his way home from the pub after his work in the fields.


It didn't take a lot of effort to carry the body, since he was decomposed.

Take out this sentence.

"Gee, Mrs. Schmuntz isn't going to like this." said Alphonse as we made our way back to the village.

Alphonse's not too bright, eh? :P

It was almost dawn when we reached Beiersdorf and the villagers were waiting for us in the town square, holding jagged pitchforks. Most were dressed in bedclothes. We covered the body in cloth, that way, no one would be frightened when they saw the decomposing corpse. As we headed for the chapel, Alphonse tripped on one of the steps and the corpse slipped out of our hands, revealing the body's horrific, decomposed state to the villagers. Everyone crowded around, even Mrs. Schmuntz, who began wailing at the very sight of her husband. The priest approached the body, raised his arms up to heaven and cried: "This is a curse from the devil! May his evil presence descend back into hell!"


That night, everyone attended mass. "Satan is among us! We must repent our sins and trust in the good Lord!" the priest cried. After the sermon, it didn't take very long for the village to fall asleep; except for me, there were too many things on my mind. If Mr. Schmuntz went missing on the night of the full moon, then was it a werewolf? Or was it a murderous psychopath? I had to find the truth. I had the strangest dream. I dreamedthat I murdered Alphonse, my best friend. But that could not be. It was only a dream.


I woke up the next morning with blood on my hands and a foul taste in my mouth. Just as it coudn't get any stranger, one of the villagers ran into the square screaming. "Herr Alphonse is dead!" I was quick to dress and head down to the fields, where I saw my best friend, dead, and decomposing. There were four slashes across his face, just like Mr. Schmuntz. I decided to hunt this cadaverous creature. So, I waited patiently for one month to pass, and I headed for the fields with a rifle and a hound. The sun was about to set. I waited and waited, the stalks of wheat scratched my skin as the wind blew through them. When the sun went down and the moon was visible, it was full. Suddenly, the hound began barking ferociously at me. CRACK!!! My back was in excruciating pain. CRACK!!! in a few moments, my whole body was in pain. My nose grew long in a few seconds, claws grew out of my fingers, hair grew all over. I had one desire. To kill. I was the werewolf.


Pretty awesome, despite the many grammar mistakes.
(If you hadn't noticed I removed some sentences I thought were unnecessary or made no sense.)
A few things...
You seem to like to day "decomposing" a lot. Try a different word. Just look up "decomposing" in a thesaurus, and you'll get tons of stuff, I guarantee it.
Your grammar was pretty trashy, but not terrible. I've seen worse.
I liked the story. It was very interesting at first. You gave away that he was a werewolf, however. :/ I figured it out when he said "I wonder if it's a werewolf" and then dreamed about killing his friend. You probably should have left out that werewolf wondering bit. :P
Just a question, too...
How could he remain conscious and know he was a werewolf if he never had experienced it before? I mean, he dreamed he killed Alphonse, but the horrible pain of the transformation never woke him up? Maybe he's a VERY heavy sleeper... :P
Anyway, you see what I mean.

Good story! I liked it.
Keep writing!
CARPE DIEM!



Steps to enlightenment brighten the way, but the steps are steep. Take them one at a time.
— Cheshire Cat (American McGee's Alice)