Box of Dreams

Hi WolfPaws. First of all, I think your display picture is exactly the same as SylverDawn's, which is a bit eerie. Secondly, it's 3:22am here in Australia at the moment, so if my review is slightly incoherent, that's why Repetition in green, if there is any, comments in red. Enjoy

wolfpaws wrote:
Riley, Riley wake up. Okay, first, really really really read some published work. Do you know how to use quotation marks? Or italics? Quotation marks are used to show when someone is talking. The first sentence should be, "Riley, Riley, wake up." Also, you need to place an enter/return ie a new line when someone new speaks. I'll do it for you from now on, but I won't be adding ""s as I can see that would take me the better half of an hour alone.

Ugh, why should I Aaron?

Because Riley its your thirteenth birthday. Where is the emotion? Who's speaking? Don't forget to break up speech by adding commas and actions.

I sat up in my warm bed. I struggled for a few seconds to keep my eyes open. I looked down at Aaron. His green eyes shined as he looked up at me. I looked around my room. It was dark except for the light that came through the linen curtains. I got up and separated the curtains so more light could shine in my dark room.

I've added a paragraph break here to make your story less blocky and give the reader's eyes some rest.The sun was low in the sky. I walked back over to my bed and sat on the edge. I yawned and looked over at the digital clock. The red numbers read eight o’clock.

Why did you wake me up so early Aaron? I questioned my younger brother.

Because its your thirteenth birthday Riley.

Come on now Aaron that cant be the only reason.

Well mommy told me to come get you Riley.

I yawned again. Were is mommy Aaron? . . . I'm sorry, but this all sounds terribly scripted. No one speaks like this. There's no emotion whatsoever.

She’s in the other room.

Okay Aaron thank you but now I need you to go out of my room.

Why?

Because.

Why?

Because I need to change into the cloths clothes I’m going to be wearing today, now out! He then left my room.

There's no need to indent your paragraphs this early in drafting.I closed my door and turned the light on. I walked over to my closet and got my favorite dark green shirt out and a pair of blue denim jeans. I put the shirt and jeans on with haste then went downstairs to ask my mom why she asked Aaron to get me.

She was sitting on the couch watching some TV show with dad. I stood in the entryway to the living room.

What did you need mom? I asked her.

Hey honey, your you're awake and she walked over and gave me a hug. My dad looked toward me from were he was sitting. He smiled, I could sense he didn’t want to be up this early on a Saturday either.

Wait just a second Riley let me go get your gifts. She smiled then left the room. I went over and sat over by dad.

Happy birthday Riley.

Thanks dad I said. We had a few minutes to talk before mom came back carrying two packages, one was slightly bigger than the other.

Open this one first honey, its from me and your father. I tore the blue wrapping paper off leaving a white and orange box with a picture of a camera on it.

Thanks mom and dad, I’ve always wanted a camera!

I’m glad you like it Riley. Said my dad. . . . this story is kinda terrible. . . Then my mom handed me the other gift which was the slightly bigger one. I opened it. Inside was a old wooden box. The box had a padlock on it that required a key. I looked around me but no key was in sight. I shrug. Oh well I thought to myself. Even with out the key. I think these two sentences were meant to be one. It had beautiful carvings of flowers and animals carved onto the box.

That box is from Grandma Lee Riley. My mom said as I admired the box.

Mom, dad thanks thank you for the nice camera! I said as I stood up. I’m going to take these things back up to my room.

Okay honey ill fix a nice breakfast for your birthday.

I got to my room I set my camera on my desk. I took the box with the lock over to my bed. Out of curiosity I turned the box over. On the bottom was a key and a note, they were taped there. I took the tape off read the note.

Dear Riley,

If you are reading this letter, you have found the key. The key goes to that old box you got. don’t Capitalisation. let that key leave your sight, it could be the worst think thing you could do.

Love Grandma Lee
P.S. Happy Birthday

I picked the key up it was a silver color and had a silver chain connected to it. I put the key into the lock to unlock it. After unlocking the lock I put the silver chain with the key on it around my neck. Then removed the lock from the box. I slowly opened the box. A bright light shined from inside the box. I leaned over it then everything went black.

Riley, Riley wake up. >This is dialogue, it needs quotations. All dialogue does.
Different dialogue between different people need to become different paragraphs. Each time a new person speaks, make a new paragraph.
Ugh, why should I Aaron? > Quotations
Paragraph
Because Riley its your thirteenth birthday. >Quotations
Paragraph
I sat up in my warm bed. I struggled for a few seconds to keep my eyes open. I looked down at Aaron. His green eyes shined as he looked up at me. I looked around my room. The sentences are choppy and don't sound good when read, try reading the story out loud. It helps you hear these. You could combine some, or just lengthen them. And try not to begin so many sentences with 'I', this also disrupts the flow. It was dark except for the light that came through the linen curtains. I got up and separated the curtains so more light could shine in my dark room. The sun was low in the sky. I walked back over to my bed and sat on the edge. I yawned and looked over at the digital clock. The red numbers read eight o’clock.
Paragraph
Why did you wake me up so early Aaron? >Quotations I questioned my younger brother.
Paragraph
Because its your thirteenth birthday Riley. >Quotations
Paragraph
Come on now Aaron that can[color=#FF0000]'t be the only reason.>Quotations. And can't (don't won't, etc) should have a '[/color]

Well mommy told me to come get you Riley. >Quotations

I yawned again. Were(You are using the wrong word here, try "Where")is mommy Aaron? >Quotations
Paragraph
She’s in the other room. >Quotations
Paragraph
Okay Aaron thank you but now I need you to go out of my room. >Quotations
Paragraph
Why? >Quotations
Paragraph
Because. >Quotations
Paragraph
Why? >Quotations

Because I need to change into the cloth[color=#FF0000]es I’m going to be wearing today, now out! >Quotations[/color] He then left my room.

I closed my door and turned the light on. I walked over to my closet and got my favorite dark green shirt out and a pair of blue denim jeans. I put the shirt and jeans on with haste then went downstairs to ask my mom why she asked Aaron to get me.

She was sitting on the couch watching some TV show with dad. I stood in the entryway to the living room.

What did you need mom? I asked her.

Hey honey, you're awake and she walked over and gave me a hug. My dad looked toward me from were he was sitting. He smiled, I could sense he didn’t want to be up this early on a Saturday either.

Wait just a second Riley let me go get your gifts. She smiled then left the room. I went over and sat over by dad.

Happy birthday Riley.

Thanks dad (put some punctuation after dialogue, a comma would work here) I said. We had a few minutes to talk before mom came back carrying two packages, one was slightly bigger than the other.

Open this one first honey, its from me and your father. I tore the blue wrapping paper off leaving a white and orange box with a picture of a camera on it.

Thanks mom and dad, I’ve always wanted a camera!

I’m glad you like it Riley. said my dad. Then my mom handed me the other gift which was the slightly bigger one. I opened it. Inside was an old wooden box. The box had a padlock on it that required a key. I looked around me but no key was in sight. I shrug(Okay, present tense or past tense? This is present, the rest is past. Choose one.). Oh well I thought to myself. Even with out the key. It had beautiful carvings of flowers and animals carved onto the box.

That box is from Grandma Lee Riley. my mom said as I admired the box.

Mom, dad thanks you for the nice camera! I said as I stood up. I’m going to take these things back up to my room.

Okay honey ill fix a nice breakfast for your birthday.

I got to my room I set my camera on my desk. (You should either put As in front of the sentence or put and between room and I) I took the box with the lock over to my bed. Out of curiosity I turned the box over. On the bottom was a key and a note, they were taped there. I took the tape off read the note.

Dear Riley,

If you are reading this letter, you have found the key. The key goes to that old box you got. don’t let that key leave your sight, it could be the worst think you could do.



Love Grandma Lee

P.S. Happy Birthday

I picked the key up it was a silver color and had a silver chain connected to it. I put the key into the lock to unlock it. After unlocking the lock I put the silver chain with the key on it around my neck. Then removed the lock from the box. I slowly opened the box. A bright light shined from inside the box. I leaned over it then everything went black.

I sat up in my warm bed. I struggled for a few seconds to keep my eyes open. I looked down at Aaron. His green eyes shined as he looked up at me. I looked around my room. It was dark except for the light that came through the linen curtains. I got up and separated the curtains so more light could shine in my dark room. The sun was low in the sky. I walked back over to my bed and sat on the edge. I yawned and looked over at the digital clock. The red numbers read eight o’clock.

"Riley, Riley wake up!" Aaron shouted.

" Ugh, why should I?"

"Because, its your thirteenth birthday!"

wolfpaws wrote:Ive been working on this but its not that good. its only a small part of the story but i hope someone likes it.

Riley, Riley wake up. Ugh, why should I Aaron? Because Riley its your thirteenth birthday. Should be:
"Riley. Riley wake up!"
"Why should I?" I groaned.
"Because! It's your thirteenth birthday."[/color[color=#FF0000]]I sat up in my warm bed.I struggled for a few seconds to keep my eyes open. I looked down at Aaron. His green eyes shined as he looked up at me. I looked around my room. It was dark except for the light that came through the linen curtains. I VERY repetetive. got up and separated the curtains so more light could shine in my dark room. The sun was low in the sky. I walked back over to my bed and sat on the edge. I yawned and looked over at the digital clock. The red numbers read eight o’clock. I questioned my younger brother.Why did you wake me up so early Aaron? Because its your thirteenth birthday Riley. Come on now Aaron that cant be the only reason. Well mommy told me to come get you Riley. I yawned again. Were is mommy Aaron? She’s in the other room. Okay Aaron thank you but now I need you to go out of my room. Why? Because. Why? Because I need to change into the cloths I’m going to be wearing today, now out! He then left my room. Should be:
"Why did you wake me up so early, Aaron?"
"Becaue it's your thirteenth birthday, Riley."
"Come on now Aaron, that can't be the only reason."
"Well, mommy told me to come get you."
I yawned again, "Where is mommy, Aaron?"
"She's in the other room."
"Okay Aaron, thank-you, but I need you to get out of my room now."
"Why?"
"Because."
"Why"
"Because I need to get dressed! Now get out!" See? Better.
I closed my door and turned the light on. I walked over to my closet and got my favorite dark green shirt out and a pair of blue denim jeans. I put the shirt and jeans on with haste then went downstairs to ask my mom why she asked Aaron to get me.
She was sitting on the couch watching some TV show with dad. I stood in the entryway to the living room. What did you need mom? I asked her. Hey honey, your awake and she walked over and gave me a hug. My dad looked toward me from were he was sitting. He smiled, I could sense he didn’t want to be up this early on a Saturday either. Wait just a second Riley let me go get your gifts. She smiled then left the room. I went over and sat over by dad. Happy birthday Riley. Thanks dad I said. We had a few minutes to talk before mom came back carrying two packages, one was slightly bigger than the other. Open this one first honey, its from me and your father. I tore the blue wrapping paper off leaving a white and orange box with a picture of a camera on it. Thanks mom and dad, I’ve always wanted a camera! I’m glad you like it Riley. Said my dad. Then my mom handed me the other gift which was the slightly bigger one. I opened it. Inside was a old wooden box. The box had a padlock on it that required a key. I looked around me but no key was in sight. I shrug. Oh well I thought to myself. Even with out the key. It had beautiful carvings of flowers and animals carved onto the box. That box is from Grandma Lee Riley. My mom said as I admired the box. Mom, dad thanks you for the nice camera! I said as I stood up. I’m going to take these things back up to my room. Okay honey ill fix a nice breakfast for your birthday.
I got to my room I set my camera on my desk. I took the box with the lock over to my bed. Out of curiosity I turned the box over. On the bottom was a key and a note, they were taped there. I took the tape off read the note.
Dear Riley,

If you are reading this letter, you have found the key. The key goes to that old box you got. don’t let that key leave your sight, it could be the worst think you could do.

Love Grandma Lee
P.S. Happy Birthday
I picked the key up it was a silver color and had a silver chain connected to it. I put the key into the lock to unlock it. After unlocking the lock I put the silver chain with the key on it around my neck. Then removed the lock from the box. I slowly opened the box. A bright light shined from inside the box. I leaned over it then everything went black.

"Riley. Riley, wake up!"
"Why should I?" I groaned...

Blah blah blah
Skip a line
Dear Riley,

If you are reading this letter, you have found the key. The key goes to that old box you got. don’t let that key leave your sight, it could be the worst think you could do.

Love Grandma Lee
P.S. Happy Birthday
Skip a line
Blah blah blah