Clueless

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 45
Clueless

For The Greater Good


The chilly night breeze whipped through Arthur’s poorly made clothes. His bare feet froze on the icy cobbled street. But what made it worse were the threatening black clouds that hung in the pitch black sky. Although, putting aside the unfortunate weather. Arthur couldn’t have I wished for a better night than this to do it. The shadows were his closest ally, and the ghostly moon provided just enough light to see the way. Thieving houses was fly by if you knew what you were doing, but it could get messy when the patrolling guards decided to stick there nose in. Arthur made another quick take around, checking for any stray guards or citizens. When he was satisfied he crouched down, and snuck into a back alley. The overwhelming stench of urine and other foul things always hit him hard, but after years of sneaking around in dark dingy alleys, he learnt to live with it and get on with his little sneaky errands. He wasn’t a bad person at that, but a little cheeky though. He always resorted to thieving in desperate times; usually it was to provide for his family: his mum Elizabeth, and his little sister Mary. His mum Elizabeth was ill and too weak to work and of course his little sister was too young. He never knew his father, Elizabeth had said when he was older enough that one day his father was there then the next he was gone. She reckoned it was Guards doing, but was too afraid to confront them. They could be nasty at times, and when you questioned them, with a click of there fingers they could lock you up and throw away the key. Arthur hesitated in the dark alley, then soon he carried on jogging towards the end of the alley and came to a sudden halt when he reached an old wooden door, that’s hinges were town off-probably due to the dangerous winds that often howled in stormy nights. This wasn’t his original plan, but it was an easy target and was a small house so it would be easy to navigate. He wouldn’t be long it was quick job, just in, grab something and back out again. Arthur cautiously entered through the back door. He studied his surroundings. He saw a dirty sink in the far corner, and in front of him was a large round oak table, ‘It must have cost a lot’ Arthur thought to himself.
He tiptoed towards a door at far very far north east corner. His hand carefully closed around the wooden door knob. He began to turn it, but froze on the spot; beads of sweat suddenly began to steam down his face. The thundering sound of heavy boots got louder by the second. Panicking Arthur forgot about silence and sprinted for the exit. He lunged for the wooden knob, and pulled as hard as he could but it wouldn’t budge the slightest. It was locked. He was trapped. He turned around in horror, as the door knob twisted, and the door creaked open.


Arthur frowned. The door was open, but nothing was there. Puzzled by this Arthur took a cautious step towards the wide open door. His foot barely touched the ground, when a gust of violent wind whipped up from nowhere-forcing him to stumble backwards. He regained his balance, and thought for a minute. He glanced around for a solid object, to throw. His eyes rested on a piece of wood, which had been ripped of from the backdoor hinges. He almost silently picked it up, if it wasn’t for metal oblong that lay inches from his feet. A loud clanging noise screeched out as his foot collided with the metal shape. He grabbed the piece of wood and quickly jumped backwards. He sensed that there definitely was something there-metres away from him. He raised his skinny arms and launched the wood straight at the open door, and as expected, something happened.

“Ha ha ha. Do you honestly think I’m that daft you silly little brat. How old are you Arthur, fourteen next week isn’t it.” Mocked a cheeky voice.

“How do you know my name, and who are you. Show yourself Demon.”

“Demon. I am no Demon. Ha ha ha, don’t you know who I am child. Well I don’t like to spoil things, so you will find out soon enough. Anyhow I have a job for you. Accept and you shall be rewarded enough gold to feed your family for a week.”

Arthur’s eyes suddenly lit up, money, now he was interested. Sensing that Arthur still wasn’t convinced, the mysterious voice revealed it’s true from. Arthur’s eyes widened as he stared at the young man. In his late teens, black haired and clothed in nothing. His bare skin, hidden in the darkness but close up you could tell he wore absolutely nothing. Arthur considered the losses, and broke into a large grin.

“Firstly get some threads, and secondly. What do I have to do?”
Last edited by Extraterrestial on Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:49 pm, edited 4 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3965
Reviews 152
"thin peasant clothes"
hmm, maybe just "threadbare" or "poorly made". "peasant" is a little too much of a contrived exposition.

"froze under the icy cobbled "
are his feet actually under the icy cobbles? perhaps "on" is more appropriate

"made it worse, were the threatening "
lose the comma

"Although, putting aside the unfortunate weather. Arthur couldn’t have I wished for a better night than this to do it"
Although, putting aside the unfortunate weather, Arthur couldn't have wished for a better night to do this.

"guards decide to stick there nose in."
guards decided to stick their noses in."

"Arthur made another quick glance around"
hmmm, ou dont really make a glance, I would think it's something you 'take'

"and sneaked into a back ally"
grrrr, snuck, snuck, snuck. oh and 'alley' not ally.

"The smell of urine and other foul "
I'd go for something a little more evocative here..., try 'stench', 'overwhelmin stench' even, go nuts.

"but a little cheeky though"
probably shouldnt have but and though, one or t'other


"his mum Elizabeth, and his little sister Mary. His mum was ill, and was too weak to work. He never knew his father, Elizabeth"
ok the bit about their names can go in its own sentence. I'd start the next sentence "Elizabeth was ill", and then the one after, "His mother had never told him who his father was"


"She reckoned it was Guards doing"
'the' guards?

"with a click of there fingers "
click of 'their' fingers

"in the dark ally"
alley

Overall i love the way you build up the suspense, as well as telling us a bit about Arthur as you go.
I would advise you to work on your comma use, but punctuation and grammar was otherwise fine

Cheerio, Rubric
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1544
Reviews 169
Man, Rubric beat me to grammar. Anyway, the only problem I had was the paragraphs. If you haven't noticed YWS does not include the indents to you want to space inbetween paragraphs. Otherwise it was a good story. I would like to find out who comes through the door. Keep writing.

*pawprint*
Lethero the Werewolf
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 45
Hey i would just like to say, thanks for the great comments and tips on how to improve on my mistakes.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 20
yeh, this was a great start! I really liked your language and the way you use words, although you do jumble them up, like:

Arthur couldn’t have I wished for a better night than this to do it

Ditch the I, but anyway this was a great start and i cant wait to hear chapter 2, who is this mysterious teenager.

Great Start!

Shreksurmum




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 7
I loved the beginning, a abit dark and mysterious :twisted:

And I won't bother with grammars and such, because I still understand what you're telling me with this so... thumbs up! :wink:
"A photo with big happy smiles."



You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling