Flash Fic- Phoenix Lament

The torrents of rain knifed at the warriors, who slowly straightened up. The wind blew leaves prematurely from the trees, whipping the long hair of Locke across her face.

“It’s the end…” she murmured, tears filling her eyes as she sank to her knees among the dead bodies of her comrades.

“…all of our efforts…” continued Cadmus, though he could not hear her from across the field of blood.

“…in vain…” whispered Sisily, tears cutting through the blood and mud on her face.

“…our glorious dream…” mumbled Omni, letting his sword fall into the mud.

“…has come to an end…” gasped Paren, clutching at a deep gash in his side.

“…all our efforts…” sighed Jarde through the blood welling into his throat.

“…wasted.” finished Simi, grip white on her quarterstaff. The seven friends stared up at the gathering tempest, the moon glowing maniacally through the cloud cover.

A long, low howl was voiced across the moor. The werewolves were creeping from their hiding places in the bloodied heather, looking even more terrifying then before; their fangs inches long, fur dripping with blood mingled with rain, eyes bloodshot, tortured by the approaching doom. They ignored the seven warriors, instead converging inside the loose circle of the Paladins, whining in pain, drawn to the site by ancient, cursed Magic.

A weeping howl wrent the night as Tide and Artemis began circling each other above the werewolves’ heads, crying the Phoenix Lament that Sisily had foretold, their broken wings bleeding dew across the wretched skulls of the man-wolves.

Mooncalves came skittering across the field, stopping with the werewolves and bawling piteously, their cries mixing with that of the phoenix’ and creating a melody that touched the souls of the remaining warriors.

The moon broke through the clouds, and a roaring sound filled the air, blocking out everything but the Phoenix Lament.

“Damn you, Crypha.” murmured Locke, Sisily, Simi, Jarde, Paren, Omni, Cadmus, closing their eyes to their fate.
_____
:Sweatdrop: Yeah....uh....this is just something I was "doodling" on. Not connected to any of my other stories. Based off Dark Cloud 2, Dream Spiral, and the last episode of Princess Nine (the scattered dialogue part).
Comments, reviews, critiques, all welcomed.

~Sumi Inkheart

I didn't read it. Sorry. But just looking at it: there is no reason to use ellipses (...) so much.

"The wind blew leaves prematurely from the trees" - that sounds like a line from a poem.

"It’s the end…” - no ellipsis needed, she is not interrupted, a full-stop would do fine.

"the moon glowing maniacally" - for some reason I don't like that.

"looking even more terrifying then before" - "than".

"more terrifying then before; their fangs inches long, fur dripping with blood mingled with rain, eyes bloodshot, tortured by the approaching doom." - colon, not semi-colon.

"A weeping howl wrent the night " - I think it's "rent".

Very good, I like the absence of background, it keeps it interesting. Keep going with it.

:sweatdrop: This was just a writing doodle when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with "Geezer's Property". But, uh, yeah, I might do something with it later.
Thanks for the review, Ofour!
To Claudette: I think it adds to the effect. And I'm happy with the finished product, the scattered dialogue makes it feel more...prophecy-d.
Arigato again!

~Sumi

The ellipses are so annoying. How can all the characters know the one sentence started by a fellow warrior[?] and they all say "Damn" at the end too?

Something you need to work on is:

The werewolves were creeping from their hiding places in the bloodied heather, looking even more terrifying then before; their fangs inches long, fur dripping with blood mingled with rain, eyes bloodshot, tortured by the approaching doom.

Notice the repetition of 'blood'.

I don't know what to comment on really so I won't say anymore.

Yeah, the ellipses were quite annoying. Also, as you probably know, your title is the exact same as a Harry Potter chapter title.

A long, low howl was voiced across the moor.

"Was voiced" seems like rather odd phrasing to me. I usually think of it in the context of "voice an opinion".

A weeping howl wrent

Wrent? That's not a word... I think you mean rent or rended.

“Damn you, Crypha.” murmured Locke, Sisily, Simi, Jarde, Paren, Omni, Cadmus, closing their eyes to their fate.

The period before the quotation mark should be a comma.

I find it rather odd your seven characters don't really have anything individual to say. First they all take turns saying a single sentence, and then they manage to say "Damn you" all at the same time? Especially when they seem to be dying... It's unrealistic, to say the least.

Having said that, it does look as if this could be part of quite an interesting story... I'm intrigued by the Mooncalves, and what happened to lead up to this scene...

I thought that this was good, and I liked the dot-dot-dot (...) Its adds to the effect.

Looking forward to reading more of this. Now, where have I heard of mooncalves before? I can't remember.

Never mind, write the next chapter!

-ShadowTwit

AAAAAAAAAACK! :coughcough: Let me clear up some stuff on this little piece of words.
1: THIS IS A FLASH FIC. This means that it is under 500 words and is not connected to any other stories, unless the author feels like doing more writing.
2: Yes, I like my (...) thing. I like it that way. And there's no way I'm gonna change it.
3: Yes, I like the way the warriors begin and end the sentence. :coughcough: someone said, "How could they know what the other was saying?" Well, my polite reply to that is, "how could there be Mooncalves or werewolves or phoenixes?" it's all part of the magical thing called "plot".
4:I do know that there is a chapter in "HBP" called "The Phoenix Lament". I chose the title knowing that. JKR can't sue me.

To Shadow: Mooncalves are mentioned in the harry potter book "Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them" which I own a copy of.

Thank you, one and all, for reviewing.

~Sumi

So, okay, no more chapters. It was good just standing by itself.

-ShadowTwit

O-h...flash fic=under 500 words. *dockets information in brain-pigeonhole "Things to remember when wandering through YWS"*

No, it wasn't Harry Potter (I don't do HP), but someplace else. I think it was in a Gerard Durrell book? Alice through the Looking Glass? Maybe.

-ShadowTwit