Untitled - Part 1 & 2 • Young Writers Society

Untitled - Part 1 & 2

Help! I am a little ant and I'm drowning in a glass of water! Me ahogo! xP No. Seriously, I need help. You see, I'm writing this novel about peasants and city people, and I need someone to slap me and/or tell me how to improve this before I expierence a breakdown. Tell me anything: "You need to do -this- and -that-!" "This lacks -something-" "Work on -this-" "Your English is weird/-adjective-" "Trash" "Quit writing!". <-- *is obviously desperate* I need some guidance, please...

P.S. I know the Parts are short... There's a rational reason behind that.

Part 1

The compelling sound of a trot was wayfaring through the pastureland as Andre's body bounced on the saddle. They carried on, and then followed a vaguely-straight road of dust trapped between green beauty and strong looking trunks. When the pond was before Presumida's horseshoes, Andre gave the water a satisfactory smile and placed his feet on the ground. Then he patted Presumida's neck gratefully, and unbuttoned his shirt. The place was what he described as paradise many times; the birds whispered from the tree tops, and the wind wandered around offering a refreshing touch, the sun was about to sink into the sea, and the pond's water was warm enough. He took his boots off, looking as free-spirited as a man could ever look; it was as natural as the very last piece of a puzzle fitting into its place. He walked towards the pond and left his shirt behind him when he let it fall to the floor. His entrance into the water seemed somehow abrupt, even when knowing that it was in his plans. But that was Andre for you, unpredictable and obvious at the same time. He sank his body fully under water, and remained under the surface for a while. There was no way he could die for lack of oxygen, and everyone in town knew it, for they already knew Andre had the lungs of a fish and the soul of a real peasant.

Part 2

The owner of the land, also known as Coronado, was having a walk with Mr. Cowell, a friend from the city; he had just taken a flight with his wife and daughter to spend time in the countryside. Even though he was somewhat tired, he still was enchanted enough to ask Coronado to show him the place. However, his Capitalist soul reflected that it was not the beauty of the place what got him to wear that sneaky unpleasant grin under his nose.

Mr. Cowell had a funny looking appearance (especially when he was walking); he was short and chubby, and his skin's complexion got people to wonder if he had ever stepped under the sun light. His facial hair could've been counted in less than sixty seconds, and as if that wasn't amusing enough, it would only grow right on his pointy chin. His fancy clothing made him look out of place in the wild looks of nature, and his gestures gave the impression of arrogancy sometimes.

Although, to his left stood a man that was hard working, but a joke-lover. Coronado had the whitest teeth, and the greenest dark eyes. For some reason I cannot describe, he wasn't that good looking, but he was so sympathetic and he made socializing such an easy and natural thing that after spending a few hours with him, no one was able to say he was ugly. Even arrogant Mr. Cowell respected him for who he was.

When the pond was before their eyes, they were able to see Andre's mare and the messy track of his belongings laying on the grass. When Coronado saw the tormented crystal waters of the pond, he figured Andre was somewhere underneath it, and he stopped walking. Mr. Cowell's pupils grew smaller out of concernment and with his eyes wide opened, he put his left hand over his friend's shoulder, involuntarily.

"There is someone drowning there!" He burst out in a whisper; making his statement sound dubiously confident.

Without even looking at him, Coronado chuckled and leaned down to get a pebble from the floor. "Nah!" He replied. "That's just my boy. If it wasn't cause I've raised him, I'd say he's a fish," he said and then laughed.

"Your son?" asked Mr, Cowell with suspicious intentions. Coronado didn't pay much attention, he barely looked at him with the corner of his eye. "Yeah," he replied vaguely. Deftly, he started playing with the pebble on his fingers as he waited for something to happen while he stared into the water; like a feline waiting to attack.

Less than a second passed by when Andre's head hit the air and the water slipped down his shoulders. When Coronado saw the back of his head, he didn't hesitate to throw the pebble his way; it kindly ricocheted over the water until it drowned right next to the boy. Andre looked at it, indifferently. When he turned around and saw Coronado his smile seemed pleased, and he started making his way out of the water.

Comments

Points: 2795
Reviews: 48

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 9:48 pm

Mardehoward wrote a review...

Hey, Sol! Happy review day!!!

I'm here because I have nothing else to do and wanted to review your "Trash"! I'm joking! XD i don't think this novel is either trash or slightly bad, in fact, this story is great!

For starters, I really need you to concentrate on updating because I wanna know the rest!!!! Then I have to tell you that I love your precision on describing the characters. Sometimes I need inspiration on how to come up with the correct words to say, only to describe MY characters or the settings of the story. But you do that very well!

I think that you should dedicate a paragraph on describing "Andre" and his horse "Presumida". So I can imagine what type of horse she is and how (what appears to be the main character) Looks like. I got transported into the story but I'm still lacking of that information.

The first chapter is short, and is really good, but I'm sure and aware that you are capable of much more! You really need to update this story because I'm intrigued and amused!!!

Keep up the good work!

~Marde!

Points: 17265
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Mon Feb 04, 2013 3:18 pm

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Alpha wrote a review...

Heyaz
Silly ant, couldn't you get your own glass?

So, I'm here to chain you, dress you in a wig, make you juggle, and laugh at you. Kidding. Let's start:

The compelling sound of a trot was wayfaring through the pastureland as Andre's body bounced on the saddle.

Problem: For some inexplicable reason, the word 'body' seems kinda wrong there. Reason: It's out-of-place. Solution: Delete it OR add an adjective to describe Andre. We want to know how the dude looks like as quickly and as subtly as possible, so why pass the chance?

The place was what he described as paradise many times;

Described as paradise by who? And where -exactly- is this pond?

He walked towards the pond and left his shirt behind him when he let it fall to the floor.

It will flow better without the 'left his shirt behind him' part. Like: He walked towards the pond after letting his shirt fall to the floor. (Or anyway you like.)

There was no way he could die for lack of oxygen, and everyone in town knew it, for they already knew Andre had the lungs of a fish and the soul of a real peasant.

Using knew twice in the same sentence is awkward, mayhaps you could change the second one?
So that's all for part one.

<3 Mr. Cowell's description.

Although, to his left stood a man that was hard working, but a joke-lover.

Two things wrong here: Unnecessary 'although'; Which man the worker was standing next to? Not quite clearly.

"There is someone drowning there!" He burst out in a whisper;

Punk-tshew-aaaaay-shn

The 'H' in 'He' should be lowercase-ed. The same mistake occurs two sentences later but the rest of the dialogue is right, punctuation-wise.

If it wasn't cause I've raised him, I'd say he's a fish,

You must mean: If I haven't raised him, I'd say he's a fish.

I'd put a comma after Coronado in the last sentence. I had to read it twice to get it.

So my over-all impression: DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH A PEN! EVER! (Just kidding.) Your short story is interesting and intriguing, I think I'll continue reading more

The underwater-breathing part gave it some bllling element (dude, don't we ALL just wanna breath underwater?), and I'd like o know just what Mr. Cowell's true intention is.
So, yeah. That's all. If anything's unclear, or if you post the next parts, drop me a line on my wall

Cheers!
Alpha

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Mon Feb 04, 2013 2:59 pm

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PenguinAttack wrote a review...

Hey Prettyface!

So you do have some really awkward phrasing going on here, but it doesn't hold your story back too strongly. The characters are already clear and we have a good idea of Mr Cowell's greed and even his intentions (marriage on the horizon!). I like Coronado's indifference toward Mr Cowell, as well, he seems like a solid character. Comments follow!

Part 1

The compelling sound of a trot was wayfaring through the pastureland as Andre's body bounced on the saddle. They carried on, and then followed a vaguely-straight road of dust trapped between green beauty and strong looking trunks. When the pond was before Presumida's horseshoes, Andre gave the water a satisfactory smile and placed his feet on the ground. Then he patted Presumida's neck gratefully, and unbuttoned his shirt.

Compelling probably isn’t the word you want here, I don’t think? It could make sense but compelling means basically convincing? Or enticing? But a trot is neither. Wayfaring is travelling but it’s a super odd word to use, and it looks way weird. I’ll give you pastureland if you want, but that’s another awkward one. Maybe “pastures” xD “satisfactory smile” is weird because of how clinical it sounds, why not satisfied?

He walked towards the pond and left his shirt behind him when he let it fall to the floor.

The leaving his shirt is really redundant. I think you can probably skip this whole line and just have him dive in.

But that was Andre for you, unpredictable and obvious at the same time.

I feel like this is a really odd line. You’re telling us this thing about Andre but it’s clear he does this kind of thing all the time, so it’s not at all unpredictable, I was confused by it because I just said “He doesn’t seem like either of these things, from this line” I might consider losing it, but others might get it better than me.

Part 2

The owner of the land, also known as Coronado, was having a walk with Mr. Cowell, a friend from the city; he had just taken a flight with his wife and daughter to spend time in the countryside.

Lose the first also. Consider re-wording this paragraph, I feel like it’s major awkward. I think that it suggests the one who took the flight was Coronado?

His fancy clothing made him look out of place in the wild looks of nature, and his gestures gave the impression of arrogancy sometimes.

Here I think you need to simplify. “His fancy clothing made him look out of place, and his gestures were sometimes arrogant” would be much easier to understand.

Although, to his left stood a man that was hard working, but a joke-lover. Coronado had the whitest teeth, and the greenest dark eyes. For some reason I cannot describe,

Lose “Although” and who is speaking? This is the first introduction of a fourth-wall breaking narrator. Will we meet him later or is this an error in typing?

Mr. Cowell's pupils grew smaller out of concernment and with his eyes wide opened, he put his left hand over his friend's shoulder, involuntarily.

Run with “concern” and “open” for ease of understanding

Deftly, he started playing with the pebble on his fingers as he waited for something to happen while he stared into the water; like a feline waiting to attack.

The “while” here feels really odd. Maybe instead say “while staring into...” rather than he stared? I’m not sure! But it is awkward!

I really like this, Prettyface, it’s interesting and your characters are immediately described and visual. I look forward to reading more! There are only a couple comments up there. The content is good so far, we don’t know much but I totally don’t trust Mr Cowell!

Write more, haha!

~ <3

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Mon Feb 04, 2013 2:59 pm

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Hannah wrote a review...

Solvy, let's see if I can help:

The compelling sound of a trot was wayfaring through the pastureland as Andre's body bounced on the saddle.

Are you purposefully distant from your words? The sound is wayfaring and the body is bouncing. It's not Andre bouncing, but his body. It's not the horse that's wayfaring, not even the trot, but the sound of the trot. I think you should stick with the instinct to evoke the sound, as it can help build the space, but how does the trot sound through the pastureland? How would it echo? How would the reader hear this sound? And why on earth is it compelling? What does it compel us to do? I think I get the feeling you're going for, but you're using the word incorrectly. c: I think you need to get your hands dirty with the words and not sit so far back, too!

satisfactory smile

To whom? Who deems it satisfactory? Do you mean satisfied? c:

The place was what he described as paradise many times;

To whom? Who did he describe it to?

birds whispered from the tree tops, and the wind wandered around offering a refreshing touch,

Why would they whisper? And the wind wandering around gives me the image of some dude wandering at a party. It's not very elegant. You might say meandered, touching refreshingly. Or something. Be careful! c:

looking as free-spirited as a man could ever look;

What's that look like? I think the problem with you writing such short parts, though I understand your reasoning, is that you don't give enough time to anything. You are rushing even though you make the action go so slowly.

I am also confused by his description of being abrupt and obvious at the same time, BUT I am very, very, pleasingly intrigued by this lungs of a fish and soul of real peasant sort of thing. What's that mean? That's the most necessary part of the whole intro for me. c:

The owner of the land, also known as Coronado,

Is he known as "the owner of the land"? "Also known" is used when you've used a name first and another name second. It seems to me like "the owner of the land" is his title, something you can use to refer to him to. His function, but no one calls him that. So I'd just say, "Coronado, the owner of the land..."

However, his Capitalist soul reflected that it was not the beauty of the place what got him to wear that sneaky unpleasant grin under his nose.

Hmmm. What's this mean? I don't know what image you're trying to go for with this. It might work in a movie, where we're like, "Look at that guy's evil smile that the protagonist doesn't see", but here it seems awkward and meaningless? Maybe if you described the look more and to WHOM it reflected his ulterior motives, we'd get it better. c:

Mr. Cowell had a funny looking appearance (especially when he was walking);

I LOVE your voice here.

him look out of place in the wild looks of nature, and his gestures gave the impression of arrogancy sometimes.

The close repetition of the word "look" is awkward, and what do you mean that his gestures made him look arrogant? What gestures does he do? Describe them? Do you mean the whole walking around with his hands clasped behind his back, chin up, that prison wardens do? Something like that? Be specific and we'll get to know him specifically. c:

Although, to his left stood a man that was hard working,

Does this mean Coronado?

For some reason I cannot describe, he wasn't that good looking,

The description of this man is very good. You give specifics of how people communicate with him, so I feel like I know him better. But suddenly breaking in here with your personal voice when it's not present in any other part breaks the mood of the piece. I think it might be better if you could find the reason he wasn't good looking? Maybe? See if that works for you, otherwise just take yourself out of this sentence. c:

Mr. Cowell's pupils grew smaller out of concernment and with his eyes wide opened, he put his left hand over his friend's shoulder, involuntarily.

First, this is a comma splice~ Check the article. Second, concernment is that weird thing where people double up the noun-ness of a noun. You can just use "concern". c: It's a noun of its own.

from the floor.

From the ground?

Less than a second passed by when Andre's head hit the air

How could it be less than a second? hehe. Also, "this much time passed by before" works better. c:

it kindly ricocheted over the water until it drowned right next to the boy

Hehe, how can a pebble be kind and drown? I understand trying to get that emotion into the throw, but that relies on the attitude of the thrower, not the pebble. c:

Okay, as for overall impressions, I want to know why this boy is special already. Maybe I'm too impatient, but this seems like a lot of aimless wandering and I don't know when I'm going to have direction. Giving a reader direction right from the get go makes them want to keep reading. Right now all I know is there's a strange boy and some men at his house. xD

What else can you give me?

I will admit I'm interested just from the behavior of this boy, though. I want to know why he can stay under water and what action that will result in! c: So keep writing, please. I'd love to read the next part.

Gimme a PM or wall post if you need my help w/ questions or something, okay?

Good luck!

Alpha says...

Ha, and there I was, typing away, thinking I was the first comment-er. :s

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Untitled - Part 1 & 2

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